A Fate Worse Than Death
by Riannamation
Summary: AU. SeiferSquall. Shounen-ai yaoi. No Sorceresses- Poor Squall has got enough on his hands, being forced to stay within 5 feet of Seifer on pain of a miscast Doom spell. (R for Sex, Blood, Language, SquallAngst and Seifer Being a Pervert) {COMPLETE}
1. Scarlet Rain

**Title****: A Fate Worse Than Death******

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**Author****: Legowen******

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**Genre****: Romance**

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**Pairing****: Seifer/Squall**

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**Note**: This is **shounen-ai, **which means **yaoi, slash,**** homosexual pairings,** gay people** (or bi) or **whatever else you want to call it**. DO NOT READ THIS IF YOU ARE HOMOPHOBIC. Thank you. This is also my first attempt at anything yaoi. Wish me luck. There will also be POV changes (they should be obvious), and, naturally, I only own a copy of Final Fantasy VIII, and the soundtrack, but nothing in the way of rights or anything. So yeah. No me suey. This is AU, the whole Sorceress thing never happened here. This is sort of a 'what if'. Obviously.**

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**Dedication**: The authoress Firemoon, who inspired me to write this with her fic Love or Hate: What's the Difference?, (go read it now!) and also for not killing me for using the whole 'close proximity requirement' (or whatever you want to call it) idea.

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**A Fate Worse Than Death**

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Squall

Fading sunlight glinted off a silver blade, and I caught a glimpse of storm clouds reflected back at me like some twisted omen as the sword descended. In one brief, lightning-illuminated moment, I saw for the last time my unscarred face, staring out at me with wide blue-grey eyes from the flat of the gunblade. Then everything went black, and when I opened my eyes, I saw only red.

3rd Person

Thunder rumbled overhead, drowning out the soft whistle of hewn air, and it began to rain. The droplets cascaded silently down upon the two men, alone among the boulders, and ran through dark hair and over darkened eyes to drip crimson on the ground.

Blood cast monstrous shadows on his face, disfiguring the too-pretty features and dripping from his lips, creating an all-too-believable impression that he was a vampire when combined with his icy glare.

"Bastard," Squall whispered, staring up through ragged bangs at his opponent as he struggled to climb to his feet. The older man simply smirked, and offered a half-bow in mocking apology, lips pulled tight in a feral grin.

            "So sorry, dear heart," His voice was lilting as he watched his rival, and his eyes danced with a sort of primal glee. "You may consider it a souvenir of time spent getting your ass well-kicked." The blonde man paused, and a gloved hand reached forward in a fine imitation of help, had Squall not known better.

"Here's another, from my vacation in Esthar." The hand curled, and darkened, and the voice grew deeper as well, stumbling unsurely over the arcane incantation.

Thunder rumbled ominously again, rain running in rivulets over the younger man's face, drawn into the creases formed by his worried frown. That was no regulation spell. Fury boiled within the young brunette; at the Fire spell that stunned him, the wound on his face, the blood in his eyes, and now the arrogance of his longtime rival, Seifer Almasy.

Squall looked down at his Revolver, his reflection on the blade blurred by red rain. _An eye for an eye, and he smiled slightly, blade swinging up in a silver arc to kiss his sparring partner's forehead, just as the spell was released._

For the second time in fifteen minutes, Squall had the sickening sensation of being knocked out, but this time it lasted considerably longer.

"Humph." Seifer peeled off his leather gloves, dropping it to the ground, heedless of the rain that still poured from the sky. He dragged his bare hand across his forehead, wincing as dirt worked its way into the open wound, almost identical to the one that Squall now sported. He narrowed sea-green eyes at the figure that lay limp among the rocks, nudging it with the toe of his boot.

Squall didn't move, didn't make a sound, and Seifer dropped to his knees with a sigh, digging in his blood-spattered overcoat for a Potion. Once he found it, he rolled Squall over, prying open his jaws and none-too-gently shoving half the contents of the vial of cool liquid down his throat, taking the rest himself. There was a slight gurgling sound before Squall unconsciously swallowed, and Seifer watched in satisfaction as the cut on his forehead sluggishly healed, turning the angry red of an aggravated scar.

Putting the cap back on the glass tube, he dropped it next to his rival and walked towards Garden, boots crunching on the wet stone. 

He'd only made it a few feet before an insistent tug pulled at the back of his mind, telling him he's forgotten something. 

_My glove,_ he sighed mentally, and walked back to retrieve it, shoving it into his pocket so as not to get blood on it. With a small backward glance at Squall, Seifer resumed his walk back to Balamb, ignoring the insistent tug that still pulled at him.

Seifer

            "Totally irresponsible! You're lucky to still _be_ here, I can't see _why_ the Headmaster allowed to you stay on the Discipline Committee after an act like that! Honestly, Seifer, I thought you were _mature_, I mean, everyone has to grow up eventually, but Hyne! And all you've got to say for yourself is; 'I lost control over my temper.' Like some 4 year-old _child, and …."_

            That was what I'd been listening to for the last two hours. I had actually listened for the first fifteen minutes, honestly, but then she started to repeat herself, and I've got better things to do than listen to little Quisty mope over the current state of her not-so-secret crush. At least it wasn't a secret to me. Squall probably didn't even realize it, probably walked around with that ado-_annoying 'I hate the world' sulk thing he always had going on, oblivious to everything else as __always.  _

            "-used an _illegal spell, as well! And just left him out there in the _rain_ after casting a _doom_ spell with a __head wound! __Seifer are you listening to me?!"_

            Hyne, she was annoying sometimes. I sighed, and leaned back in the chair, giving her my best 'shut up because Seifer is speaking now' look.

            "Look, Quisty-" 

            "_Instructor.__ Trepe." She said firmly, lips crushed into a white line. I decided to give her this one._

            "Instructor Trepe," I began again, flashing a smile that would melt the heart of Shiva herself. "First; I used a potion on him, second; he agreed to the spar, third; I sent someone out to get him, and fourth; well, okay, so I used a Fire spell, but the other spell I cast was a spell that doesn't exist-" Quistis narrowed her eyes, crossing her arms against her chest. 

            "You _said the wrong words, Seifer. You screwed up an already existing spell, with Hyne knows __what results, and the only way we will know for sure that Squall isn't permanently damaged would be if he ever wakes up-"_

"Question:" I interjected, earning a glare that sent even my junctions running for cover. I never was one for tact, though, "How would you be able to _tell if something _were_ wrong with our dear Squally-boy? It's not like everything isn't wrong with him already."_

The blonde just took a deep breath, and continued her sentence where she had left off;

"-which he _has yet to do!" Her arms, still crossed over her chest, tightened with anger, coming dangerously close to a push-up bra effect, and I gulped._

            _Don't look at her boobs, don't look at her boobs…c'mon, Seifer, focus on the face....It was a losing battle, perhaps one of the few I _could_ lose, and I knew it. Luckily, just as my will crumbled, she relaxed and I held back a sigh of relief, able to listen again._

            "-just go apologize to him, a _formal_ apology, mind you, and help Dr. Kadowaki with whatever she needs to help him, _in addition to your punishment." She was now massaging her temples with a pained expression on her face, and I took this as my cue to leave._

Yep, the ol' Almasy Charm never fails!

3rd Person:

The electronic doors of the clinic slid open with a soft _whirr_, revealing a somewhat less-than-happy Seifer. _I've really got better things to do with my time than play nurse to our resident Ice Prince, he brooded, settling down into one of the blindingly white and thoroughly sterile waiting room chairs. A tall blonde with pretty blue eyes and a somewhat vacant expression traipsed by, flashing him a shiny smile._

_Her__, for instance, a smirk settled itself onto his face, falling easily in place due to long practice, and the girl giggled, almost running into a young man with what appeared to be a broken arm on her way out of the door. Fortunately for himself, the brunette jumped out of the way, panic and pain written in deep lines on his face._

_Maybe him, too, if he'd loosen up a bit. Seifer pondered, leering suggestively at the young man, who turned away with an even more panicked look on his face. _Or perhaps not.__

Dr. Kadowaki, a short Asian woman[1] in a white coat, stepped out of one of the far rooms, door opening and closing with a soft hiss of pressurized air. Silent due to years in the battlefield, she managed to stand behind Seifer for a full minute before he realized she was there, and eliciting a small start of surprise when he _did_ notice.

Neither one chose to comment on it.

"I assume you came to see Squall," She said cheerfully, and Seifer pushed himself up from his chair, groaning.

"Not like it's by choice," He muttered, shoving his hands in his pocket and trying to ignore the tug in the back of his mind that seemed to have resurfaced. The dark-haired woman smiled, and led him to the door she had just emerged from.

"Well, it's not like it matters either way. Mister Leonhart is still unconscious, and you're here until he's better, which may be awhile by the way he's breathing, so you might as well talk to him for a bit. It can't hurt." She paused then, opening the door and letting Seifer walk in.

"I am quite disappointed in you, Mister Almasy. You of all people should know that Squall here would rather just fade into the background, but you have to go and single him out. He has enough trouble just dealing with life, from the look of things. It isn't really my place, but I'd like to ask you to leave him be for awhile." Seifer just stared at her, unused to this new Dr. Kadowaki, so different from the ever-cheerful woman everyone knew. She looked almost…depressed.

But it was over in a heartbeat, and then she was smiling her maddening smile again, and she put her hand on the outside door lock.

"I'll leave you two alone now," She said with a grin, and the door slid quickly shut with a hiss and a thud, followed by the click of a lock.

"Oh, wonderful!" Seifer told the door, "Because we all know I've always wanted _alone time with Squall __fucking Leonhart!" Luckily, the door didn't answer, and Seifer hissed with annoyance at the world as he turned to face He Who Might as Well Be Dead on the cot._

He stayed a safe distance of ten feet away from the bed, watching the erratic rise and fall of its occupant's chest. His eyes strayed to the scar, smirking in satisfaction at the angry red that he knew mirrored his own, and then to the strange silver-brown hair, blackened by fire at the tips, and the soft pink lips, smudged with blood. Squall really was kind of pretty.

_Too bad he's such an ass._ Seifer hypo-criticized, and sat in the nearest chair. The small room was eerily quiet but for the rasp of uneasy breathing and the occasional breathless cough coming from the cot, and Seifer began to speak to try to cover the unsettling noise.

"Well, since you're unconscious, I might as well apologize, so that I don't actually have to do it to you. Because, personally, I see no reason to apologize. Just the damn instructors insisting all the little boys and girls play nice and don't get in fights." He laughed, then, more to cover up the fact that Squall was emitting small choking sobs than anything else. 

"What do they know? We've been fighting long as I can remember, and no one else seems to be able to get _any sort of response out of your stupid 'don't talk to me, I'm brooding' personality. If not for me, no one would even know you exist!" The blonde stood up from the chair, taking a step towards the small bed and its occupant._

"You _owe me!" Seifer hissed angrily. Another step. "I don't need to apologize to _you._" Another step. He was only about five feet from the bed now, and the room seemed suddenly quiet. Seifer's voice grew frantic._

            "You." Another step. "Are _nothing." Another step. "Without me!" One last step, and he was practically on the bed, staring down at Squall with fiery emerald eyes. The silence stretched on, and it was then that Seifer realized the smaller brunette had stopped wheezing, and actually seemed to be breathing better. Weird._

Leaning forward a bit, he stared hard at the younger man, wondering if his ears and eyes had joined forced to deceive him. He was a mere two feet away from Squall's face when the cot's occupant sat bolt upright, blue eyes wide and unseeing as he gasped for breath.

Seifer fainted.

**End Chapter 1**

[1] Dear lord, I hope Dr. Kadowaki was a woman.

Wee-ha! That was fun. It may or may not be awhile before I update, I'm usually quite inconsistent with these things. This will probably get lime-y, maybe even a dash of lemon, God help us all.

Read? Review! 


	2. Must Be the Drugs

See first page for details.

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**A Fate Worse Than Death**

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**Chapter 2**

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Squall:

"_WHAT?!" My voice grated harshly in my throat, remembering hours of coughing that I did not. The condition of my vocal cords was my least concern, however. Seifer…Seifer __fucking Almasy sat not three feet to my right, far closer than I liked anyone; especially him. He had his arms stretched over the back of the couch, making me nervous each time he moved them, and he knew it, too. _

He stopped making fake lunges with it as soon as I screamed. In fact, he stopped moving altogether, just staring at me and making me even more uncomfortable than I already was. Which was pretty damn uncomfortable.

"Mister Leonhart, there is no need to scream. This is only a temporary arrangement, it should take no more than three months undo it." Dr. Kadowaki reached forward to pat my arm, in what she thought was reassurance, but I jerked away, giving her the full effect of my glare. Beside me, I heard Seifer smother what sounded like a laugh. I ignored him, focusing on the problem at hand.

Three months spent within five feet of Seifer at all times? Did they have any idea what that would _do to me? I'd rather die. I really would. And I told this to Dr. Kadowaki. She didn't seem to believe me._

"Now, Squall, you're being unreasonable. Three months will be over before you know it. We've already had special arrangements for a room made, and we have a counselor just down the hall, in case either of you need it, due to this…unusual…situation."

Suddenly I couldn't breathe, and the walls seemed to be closing in around me. White lights swam lazily across my vision, and my throat closed off, making tears spring to my eyes. I could barely make out the form of Quistis, next to Dr. Kadowaki. She was yelling something, but I couldn't hear; my heart was thudding in my ears, it was so loud…

The floor spun, twisted, trying to throw me off of it, and I clutched at my throat, clawing at invisible fingers. Something grabbed me, clamping my arms to my side, and I felt my skin crawl with repulsion. My legs dropped out from under me, and I braced myself for the hit with the hard tile floor, but it never came. 

Gradually, the black receded, fading out in small spots, and I heard someone yelling.

"Seifer! _What were you thinking, walking off like that! We _told_ you what would happen, and don't say you aren't getting anything out of this! You have no choice! This is _your_ fault, after all!" The hands were still clamped on my arms, and I fought their gentile grip. Quistis should know better than to try and restrain me, especially when screaming in my ear like that._

I blinked, fighting nausea. Dr. Kadowaki was still in front of me, and Quistis was over to my left, hands fisted as she screamed at Seifer, who was…

"Calm down, Quisty. I _forgot. Hyne, I just wanted a drink of water. Look on the bright side; at least now he knows this isn't some really bad joke." Seifer was attached to the hands that held my arms against my sides. _

He was right, though. I could breathe again. _Please_, I closed my eyes, jerking out of Seifer's hold and reaching blindly for the couch, _please, let this be another bad dream. When I opened my eyes, I was not in my room, waking up. I was in the infirmary, staring at a very pissed off Seifer, who somehow managed to look like an arrogant bastard at the same time. Taking a deep breath, I sat up straight, ignoring Seifer and looking at Dr. Kadowaki._

I was fighting for emptiness, for calm, for the apathy I knew was in easy reach. Seifer, on the couch once more, moved his arm, grinning when I jumped, and I shut him out, closing my eyes and locking imaginary doors of brick and iron, until I met a real wall. This one was made of ice, lights dancing upon its smooth surface, and I felt a small smile creep onto my lips as, in my mind, I placed a palm upon its surface, to be mirrored by a slender blue hand swirled with diamonds.

Shiva smiled, cold and calm and beautiful, the familiar chill settled into my body, and I opened my eyes, looking directly at Dr. Kadowaki, in control of my body and mind once more. Nothing mattered, now. There would always be this; this detached bliss I could fall back upon when things went wrong. I took a deep breath.

"Why?" I asked the small Asian woman, and she frowned slightly, most likely at my change in behavior, and then reached behind her. I looked at Quistis, but she didn't seem to notice anything unusual about me. I nodded to myself; I was back to normal. All I had to do was survive three months with Seifer. No problem.

"Well," Dr. Kadowaki pulled a few sheets of notebook paper off of her desk, looking through them carefully, "All right. So far, using Seifer's account of the story," She cast an unfriendly look to my long time rival. I out of the corner of my eye I saw him move, and fought the urge to jump. I turned and glared at him as well, and he frowned, staring at my eyes. I looked back to the doctor.

"We discovered that he attempted to cast a Doom spell, which I am inclined to remind you, is _against the rules here at Balamb. But we won't get into that." Seifer snorted._

"Are you sure you don't want to hit me over the head with it one more time, just for good measure? I'm not completely sure I understand if what I did was against the rules or not." I didn't even bother looking at him; he only did this for attention. Quistis rolled her eyes, and Dr. Kadowaki hid a smile.

"Quite," she said pertly, and continued, "As I was saying he was clearly not ready for this level of spell-" Here I smiled, ignoring a weak attempt at a death glare from Seifer-"and he got the incantation wrong. Instead of timing the number of _attacks the user performs, as it is supposed to, it somehow measures distance from the spell caster, and when you go beyond that distance, you'll die." _

I blinked. Was everyone really this stupid? I could get up right now, die, and then be revived! It wasn't as if we didn't have enough Phoenix Downs lying around. You'd think a doctor would realize-

"Out _loud, Squall. We aren't psychic." Seifer sighed, his tone bored, and I unconsciously narrowed my eyes into my perpetual glare._

"I'll go K.O." I told Quistis and Kadowaki, "Just use a Phoenix Down. That's how Doom is said to work. No Esuna, no dispel, you can only proof, K.O., or kill the cause." Everyone's eyes flickered towards Seifer, and I had the distinct pleasure of seeing him look incredibly nervous.

"Er…hold on, now," he began, but Dr. Kadowaki help up a small hand.

"That…won't work." She said quietly, and I swallowed. Something was wrong here. Being knocked out always worked. It was the cure for everything but petrifaction.

"Wh-" My voice didn't work at first, and I glanced helplessly at Quistis and Seifer. Quistis sighed, and Seifer looked at the door, away from me. "Why not?" I asked quietly, confusion beating despair on my features.

"Well, there are certain…complications." Dr. Kadowaki said evasively, and I felt a headache coming on. I never was good with patience. My hand unconsciously came up to trace my new scar, a raised welt that slanted between my eyes.

"What do you mean?" I wanted to leave, now. 

"Well, when we performed a test, we found a trace of your magical aura mixed into his, and vice versa." I blinked and considered asking a question, but I didn't have to.

"The aura is in the blood, Squally. When you hit me with Revolver, your blood was on it, and when I gave…my blood was everywhere." Seifer finished awkwardly, and I stared at him. He was going to say something important, or at least interesting. I felt my mouth crease into a familiar frown.

"Don't call me Squally," I told him quietly, and focused on Kadowaki, trying to get her to continue without having to talk. Luckily, she got the message.

"Anyway, because of that, killing Seifer would result in nothing, as due to the nature of the spell, it would only result in you carrying around his dead body, and if we were to kill you, the part of his blood in you would 'remember' the spell, and reinfect you. It is quite fascinating, really. This would not have happened had the spell and the first blood not been mixed at exactly the same moment. Really quite extraordinary." 

I felt sick; angrier than I had been in awhile. Extraordinary? _Fascinating? I was forced to spend three months with Seifer, or three months in agonizing pain, and she found this __fascinating? I suddenly wished I had my gunblade. I wanted to kill Seifer. I wanted to maim him beyond recognition. I wanted to hurt him more than I had ever wanted to hurt anyone in my entire life. My hands balled into fists, joints popping with the strain. Quistis was staring._

"I'd rather die." I whispered quietly, "I never asked for this. I only wanted to be unnoticed. I'd rather _die."_

Seifer:

            I sighed, sinking into the couch and watching Squall glare at his hands, hidden behind a veil of silver-brown hair. I could tell he was gone, long gone, frolicking off in Squall World where I'm sure he was completely alone, where no one would threaten to touch him or make him talk. Really, Squall. Get over yourself.

            "I'd rather die." He voice was soft, and I had to strain to hear it. His head lifted up, and his eyes were oddly cold, frozen with a lack of emotion that masked the fiery hate I usually saw within them. "I never asked for this. I only wanted to be unnoticed. I'd rather _die_."

            Too bad. Waste of a pretty face, that would be, but no matter. His choice was his choice.

            "All right, then," I announced, standing up and stretching. Quistis stared at me, aghast, and Dr. Kadowaki averted her eyes, refusing to look at me. Right. Guilt trip. Those involve a conscience, which I, luckily, lack.

            "Nice knowing you, Squall. You were one of the few people actually able to hit me every once in awhile," I told him, and began to walk for the door. Quistis leapt up, eyes blazing, and strode towards me, almost making me want to cower, but just before I was about to give in, there was a choking noise from behind us. 

Squall was keeling on all fours on the floor, limbs shaking with the effort of holding himself up. His face was rapidly changing color, and Quistis ran for him, wrapping her arms around him and attempting to pull Leonhart towards me.

I almost laughed when I saw that he was fighting her, throwing himself backwards onto the couch he had recently fallen from, his breaths coming in ragged gasps. Quistis was fighting tears, and Dr. Kadowaki suddenly appeared, syringe in hand, causing me to wince in pity from my view at the door. 

The needle sunk in smoothly, and immediately Squall stopped struggling, and went limp, allowing Quistis to drag him over to me. His color rapidly returned, and he began to breathe again, but he was still shaking, his sleeping form curling in on itself in an extreme version of the fetal position.

Dr. Kadowaki walked over after disposing of the tranquilizer, patting her hair back into place.

"He must really dislike you, Seifer." She concluded, her voice flat and worried as she glanced down at him. "I almost can't trust him with you, but this is the only way. And you'll take care of him, too. Or you'll be thrown out of Balamb altogether." A sigh escaped her lips, and I knelt down to pick up Sleeping Squally.

I almost rolled my eyes, but decided against it. I was already facing expulsion and exile if I caused his death through any neglect to this 'special condition' on my part, the last thing I really needed to do was provoke a lady who had just knocked out the Balamb Lion.

"I'll take care of Squall, provided he doesn't piss me off," I assured her, shifting said boy in my arms and wishing I was gone already, "And the fact that he hates me is only an addition to the problem. I think having to spend that much time in close proximity with _anyone would drive Balamb's little hermit more insane than he already is."_

Dr. Kadowaki glanced at the brunette currently trying to roll out of my grip, and a frown creased her lips.

"Just keep a close eye on him, alright?" She asked, concern overpowering disapproval of me, "Get me, fast, if he pulls another…stunt, like the one before." With that she turned around, heading back to her desk, and I groaned, steadying Squall as I made my way towards the dorm. 

"What the hell did she mean, Leonhart?" I asked my rival, "'another stunt like that one'," I glanced down at the uneven haircut that was Squall's head, casting a flirtatious smile at a group of nearby girls, all of whom smiled back.

"Something I should know about you?" I inquired, turning my attention back to my passenger, but his only response was to curl into an even smaller ball, thus causing me to scramble not to drop him, and wonder if he would roll if he fell.

Then he stirred again, craning his head to look up at me, a very rare smile coupled with a strange liquid warmth that emanated from his eyes causing me to stop in the middle of a staircase and stare down at him.

Must be the drugs.

**End of Chapter 2**

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Well, there we go. Chapter two.


	3. White Lights

See first page for details.

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**A Fate Worse Than Death**

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**Chapter 3**

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Seifer:

            Turned out I was right about the drugs. As soon as Squall had smiled, I almost dropped him, but it was nothing compared to what came next. He blinked sleepily a few times, and I felt something curl around my waist. 

Instinct kicked in, trained by long fights against Grats, and I spun around to face…nothing.

            _Creepy._ The pressure around my waist still remained, though, and I looked down, feeling sick.

            Squall's arms were wrapped tightly around my waist, and he was burying his head in my stomach, squeezing tight enough to cause my breath to hitch. Then I started freaking out.

            "Leonhart, just what the _fuck_ do you think you're doing?" No answer, and I began to walk to our (Hyne, I hated that word) new dorm. "Leonhart!" I tried to shake him loose, casting panicked looks around myself to make sure no one was around. The _last_ thing I needed was Raj and Fuj to think I was dating Ice Prince. My reputation as having standards would be shot.

            I rounded a corner, relieved to find that no one was in sight, and sprinted the last few yards, punching in my access code and falling through the door. Breathing as if _I_ was the one with the Doom spell on me, I leaned back against the metal panel as soon and it slid silently shut.

            "Sis," Squall's voice was soft and happy as his arms tightened, and I wheezed. The idiot didn't know his own strength. Wait…_'Sis'_? That explained it, then. I felt immediately relieved, and a bit disappointed for loss of blackmail, and started to walk towards the bed. Pressure around my waist disappeared, and suddenly I was carrying dead weight. I dropped the Lion in shock. 

            I wasn't surprised when, like any cat, he landed on his feet. His eyes were that weird blue again, colder than the normal blue-grey, and the air felt significantly colder. I shivered. 

            "What in Shiva's name do you think you're _doing_, Almasy?" He spat, "I can walk by _myself_." I blinked. Only Squall would swear to Shiva, his personal favorite GF. I remembered the instructors talking the day we all tested for junctions; talking about the boy Squall Leonhart and how the Ice Queen, the Guardian who was so picky she hadn't been ever been junctioned as far as anyone could recall, had settled into his mind with such complete compatibility that she couldn't be removed. I'd thought it was perfectly fitting; Ice Queen to guard the Ice Prince. Squall was glaring at me, though, and I was shaken out of my depressingly Leonhart-like silence, returning his glare look for look. He seemed unfazed. Bastard.

            "What is it with you and Shiva?" I asked him, ignoring his own question. He scowled, and started to walk off before he remembered the spell, stopping exactly five feet away from me and turning so that I stared at his back. I smirked; _two could play that game, and took a step back. The small tug pulled at my mind again, but it was nothing compared to Squall's reaction._

            He immediately choked, and his hands flew to his throat, before he was thrown off balance and took a step back, putting himself once more within range.

I took another step back, and his reaction was faster this time; only a slight hiccup before he turned to face me, taking a step forward. 

Squall:

            I hated him. Hated him more than anything. He took another step back, that infuriatingly arrogant grin on his face, and I once again briefly considered dying right there, and getting him in serious trouble. But the pain wasn't worth it, and resurrection would be impossible, resulting in this exact same situation, but worse. Seifer would hate me more. 

            I sighed inwardly, bowing my head so that I didn't have to look at him, and took another step forward. I could breathe again. 

            It only lasted a moment, though, before Seifer, in all his fucking ass-hole-ness, took another step back. My throat closed. Another step forward. It only took me a few minutes to get into the rhythm, and I let memory take over, stepping at the exact moment he did, my eyes on the floor. 

            Shiva smiled at me through the crystalline wall, ice-cold and deadly beautiful. Both hands were resting against mine, now, and she spoke. I couldn't hear her, not in a physical way, but somehow I got the impression of words and images, and she always managed to convey her thoughts.

            _Little Lion, like a blast of freezing air, like wind howling and icicles cracking and the small crystal bells of winter, _I am here. I will always be here. I cannot allow myself to leave; not when one needs me so. _I bristled in my mind, hands curling on the ice._

            _I do not need __anyone. I told her, _I can survive by myself, if I have to. I have always been alone. _She sighed like wind through frozen trees, lips curling in a soft blue smile._

            I took a step forward.

            _You need me, she insisted, __like you need him.__ We remind you to live. We balance you, give you peace and emotion, strength and ambition. We are all that keep you in this world. You will never be without us. We are always here, when you fall. I blinked at her, head falling forward to rest against the ice._

            _I hate him. I would rather die than be near him. I love you, though. You remind me of…of Sis. I may need you, but not him. I want to kill him. It didn't help to scream at Shiva. I'd done it before, and she had walked away, hidden in my mind for days. It was then that I'd first met Dr. Kadowaki, and she had become my own personal counselor, someone I could talk to on the rare occasion that I had to talk._

            Another step, mirroring Seifer, who didn't seem to notice I was no longer paying attention to him.

            _You need him, Shiva assured me, __he makes you feel. He is the reason you care about anything. You hate him, are driven to beat him. He keeps you going when you fall. You don't want to lose to him. If you did kill him, what would you do? And then she was gone, before I could agree or disagree, and I opened my eyes._

            Seifer was less than a foot from my nose, looking at me strangely. I took a step back, frown returning to my lips. 

            "What is _with you, Leonhart?" He demanded, "I stopped moving about three minutes ago, but you just kept walking as if I hadn't. I never thought I'd admit it, but even I'm not __that attractive." I snorted, sitting down on the couch that was nearby and hoping Seifer was done being stupid._

            "Well, what's with _you_? Do you always have to be so immature?" I couldn't help it then, and words just tumbled out of my mouth, despite my best wishes to just ignore Seifer and live through this.

            "Don't you think this is hard _enough_ on me without you acting like a fucking _bastard_ all the time?" I could feel my voice escalating against my will, "I never _asked for this, I only wanted to be left alone, but you just had to go and _push_ me, and now I have to spend _three months_ within five feet of you! Like I don't have _enough_ problems, as it is!" As soon as I had stopped screaming, I closed my eyes tightly, covering my mouth with both hands and trying to forget Seifer existed. _

3rd Person:

            "Wow," Seifer remarked, "he has emotion after all! Really, Squall, get _over yourself. Did you ever think that maybe I'd rather being doing something else, too? I mean, Hyne! __Three months without sex! The only way I'm gonna get any is if I do _you_, and even if you _are_ pretty, I would really rather not. Besides, that scar you have is kind of a turn off." His lips curled in a cruel smile, the kind that usually melted the hearts of all passer-by, but Squall was unaffected, his heart encased in a self-wrought shell of ice._

            "I hate you," the brunette whispered brokenly, dropping his head to rest in his hands, and for a moment Seifer's smile wavered. An unfamiliar feeling washed over him, and he narrowed his eyes, looking down at Squall.

            _Was that guilt? The blonde asked himself, shocked. _Weird._ Shaking his head, he took and deep breath, and forgot ever feeling it. His smile returned full force, and he plopped down next to the younger man, throwing an arm around his shoulders._

            "Aww…c'mon Squall. I'm just messing with you. But look on the bright side! Even though you have to spend _three months_ with me, you get to spend three months…with _me!_ I'm practically the most popular person _in_ this place, and if that doesn't boost your status among our lovely peers, I don't know _what_ will!" Squall felt his skin crawl, muscles surging to rid themselves of the sensation of being touched. He twisted his back out from under Seifer's fingers, feeling burnt where they made contact.

            "Don't touch me," he said quietly, and turned his head to look out of the window. _Why me? The window didn't answer, and Squall closed his eyes. He could practically feel Seifer smirking, and then the offending hand was gone, and the couch shifted as the taller man moved, leaning back and watching the small brunette out of the corner of his eye._

            "Tell you what, Squally-boy. I'll cut you some slack, just because I'm feeling nice." Cracking his knuckles casually, Seifer continued; "I promise, that so long as you don't pull any stupid stunts like that one in the infirmary, don't ignore me when I talk to you, and do what I ask you to, I won't be 'immature' and screw with your breathing, nor will I shake you out of Squall World whenever you feel like going, and I'll follow you around _sometimes_ if what you have to do is _important._"

            There was a brief silence, then, and Squall turned around to face his rival, face unreadable.

            "You won't touch me either," He said firmly, and Seifer laughed.

            "Oh, _damn it, Squall, and here I could barely restrain myself from jumping you right here," He scoffed, "I may be bi, but I'm not_ that_ desperate." This elicited a frown from the brunette, but he chose not to comment on it, instead standing up and clearing his throat._

            "You promise?" He asked doubtfully, and the blonde nodded.

            "I promise. I don't break my promises, either." Squall frowned, and opened his mouth to speak.

            "That didn't count. How was I supposed to know squid are considered flammable?" Seifer demanded.

 "And I didn't know it was still alive," he added after a few seconds. That was followed by a moment's consideration; and Squall closed his mouth and nodded, apparently convinced. It was quiet for a second, and then he spoke again.

            "I have to go get my stuff. Since we're here now." He said quietly, and Seifer blinked.

            "Oh, yeah," The older man remembered, "I forgot about that. Guess I should go inform Raj that I'm movin' out." With that he stood up, stepped around Squall, and made his way for the door.

            "My dorm first," he told the scowling teen, "You're going to have to carry some stuff for me." There was a pause, in which Squall looked at him expectantly, arms crossed over his chest, and Seifer frowned.

            "Please," he added reluctantly, and the brunette nodded once, and followed him out of the door.

Seifer:

            Not for the first time, I regretted this morning. Not that it was completely my fault, mind you. Squall _did_ bleed on his sword, after all, but leave it up to everyone to forget that. Figures.

            I took about five minutes to reach my old room, on the other side of the dormitory, mostly because I was walking slow in order to make sure Squall was following. He was eerily quiet, the only reassurance that he was following was the _click_ of his combat boots on the floor, and the fact that I couldn't hear anyone choking to death.

            I stopped when I reached the door, and he stepped beside me, eyebrows drawn together in an unconscious frown. Funny how he did that. I stared at him for about thirty seconds, and I just couldn't help myself.

            "What do you think of, when you go into Squall World?" The question was out before I knew it, and I almost wished I hadn't said anything. Almost. But the urge to know what just too great. 

            My long-time rival glanced at me with ice-blue eyes, the familiar chill settling into the air around him. I _really_ wanted to know how he did that. As I watched, his eyes faded back to the regular grey-blue, the chill went away, and I immediately ignored all of this, filing it under 'way too creepy to touch' for a rainy day ten thousand years from now when I'd have time to think about it.

            Squall frowned, and I couldn't help but smile at his obvious reluctance to talk. Seeing my smile, his frown deepened, and my smile grew. 

The silence stretched on for a few second, and then a small smile appeared on his lips. I frowned.

"What's funny?" I asked.

"Shiva said something about you," He said simply, and I immediately burned with curiosity. I didn't like it when people talked about me when I wasn't around to hear it.

"What did-" I began, and then froze. "Wait a minute…" I help up a hand, demanding silence so that I could think, more out of habit than the actual need to shut Squall up. "_Shiva said something? To you?" Squall blinked, and I tried to convince myself I had misheard._

"Yes." He said, and turned around to face the door again, effectively ending the conversation. I scowled. I didn't like it when other people did that. I sighed, punched in the door code, and walked in. Squall followed after a moment, obviously uncomfortable being in someone else's room, and stayed far closer to me than I ever thought he would voluntarily get. I stopped suddenly, testing him, and he almost ran into me before pulling up short about three inches before collision. I pretended not to notice.

Looking around the room, I noticed a faint smell of fish, along with a spicy scent I couldn't identify. My roommate, Raijin, had always liked to cook. 

Apparently having heard us come in, he leaned around the small division between the kitchen and the living room.

"Hey, Seif! I'm cookin' fish, ya know. You want-" His eyes widened, looking behind me, and I smirked. He'd apparently caught sight of Squall, who was currently trying to pretend we didn't exist while simultaneously doing his best to get me in between himself and Raijin's gaze. 

            "Whoa…please tell me this ain't what I think it is, man," He said, running a hand through his short black hair. I laughed before I could help it.

            "Oh, please, Raj. You know me better than that! Do you _really think I'd do _Leonhart_?" I asked, and beside me Squall put a gloved hand to his forehead, radiating an obvious desire to be somewhere else. Raijin snorted._

            "Well, ya know, you always said-" I held up a hand, cutting him off before he went too far with _that_ particular thought, and he obediently shut his mouth. 

            "Well, anyway," I said once I had his attention again, "Something went wrong with our little spar this morning, and we sorta…have to live together now, or Squall dies, and I get expelled." That sounded stupid as soon as I got it out, and Raijin just sort of stared at me.

            "You're jokin', ya?" He asked, staring hard at Squall, who glared back. I shook my head. I would really rather that I was joking, the words 'no sex' dancing around in my head. 

            "Just watch," I sighed, and took a few steps to my right, before I almost fell over and someone grabbed my trench coat.

            "Don't even think about it," Squall growled, black gloves fisted in the soft grey material, and I smiled in the way I knew was most annoying.

            "Aww, c'mon Leonhart," I wheedled, "Would you rather he think I was moving in to sleep with you?" Blue eyes narrowed, and I mentally congratulated myself on knowing exactly which buttons to push. My trench coat was hastily released, and Squall took three steps back.

Squall:

            I knew what was going to happen. How could I not? As soon as I was over five feet away, my stomach dropped again, and my throat collapsed in on itself. The white lights returned, my breath caught, and I watched it all from my usual place by the wall of ice. Shiva stared at me from her side, frosty blue eyes unreadable.

            _You're just as proud as he is, she said absently as we both watch the ground rush up to meet us, _letting him push your buttons like that. Why do you put your body through this? It may kill you one day._ _

            Pain flared in our side, and I turned to face the Ice Queen. _My body can take it. I just hope Seifer will get over himself one day and leave me alone. I hate him for making me do this. Laughter rang like crystal bells in my head, and Shiva turned to leave, disappearing as she walked towards blurry shadows of forgotten memories that she kept on her side of the wall._

            _He didn't make you do anything, Little Lion. You chose this. Then she was gone, and I scowled, looking up into Seifer and Raijin's faces._

            "That was just creepy, ya know?" I found his accent really annoying, but I didn't say anything, "Just; _wham!_ Fell straight over!" Seifer reached down and grabbed my arm, pulling me upright as he listened to Raijin. As soon as I was standing, I jerked out of his grasp, glaring at him, and he rolled his eyes. 

            "-it got really cold all of a sudden, too, ya know. Just fucking _creepy, man." The brunette was saying. I crossed my arms, and waited for Seifer to say we could leave._

Seifer:

            Squall had gone all quiet again, like he usually did, but I left him alone this time, remembering my promise. Raijin had seemed convinced by the little display, and not the least bit upset that I was going, which was a bit annoying. I assumed it meant less subtlety was required for bringing Fujin over.

            Raijin was still talking, but I didn't really care what he was saying anymore, so I cleared my throat. He stopped talking then, used to my interruptions, and waited for me to speak.

            "You wanna help us get my stuff? I'm gonna be out a few months, with pretty limited mobility, so I need most everything." I told him, and Raj nodded.

            "Sure man. You gonna help, too, Squall?" He asked my shadow, but Leonhart just glared and looked at me, apparently waiting for me to tell him what I needed to take. Raijin shrugged.

            "All right," I said, breaking the sudden silence, and walked to my small bedroom. Squall followed closely behind, with Raijin behind. 

            "Hey, man, you don't gotta be so rude, ya know?" I heard my friend mutter to Squall, and I grimaced for my poor friend's stupidity. But there was no spell incantation, no scream, and Leonhart just scoffed.

            "I don't _like people," He said pointedly, his voice ice, and Raijin snorted._

            "Then it's a good thing you aren't one, ya?" He teased, and I bit back a laugh, opening my door and letting them into my room.

            It was weird at first, because no one started stripping, and then it was weird because I wondered why that came to mind. 

            "Man, I ain't never been in here," Raijin said, looking around, "I didn't think you let anyone but girls and…er…ya know…in here." I blinked. Oh, that was why.

            "I don't," I said matter-of-factly, "But since this is no longer my room, I guess it'll be ok." Squall sat down on the floor, leaning against the wall. He looked up at me through his bangs, eyes shadowed and almost hidden.

            "Just tell me what to pick up when you decide." He said, and taking his cue from Squall, Raj sat in my computer chair, nodding his assent.

            I moved around the room, piling things on the bed and making a mental checklist. Hmm…Hyperion in gunblade case, gunblade cleaning kit, ammunition, pillow, clothes, toothbrush, toothpaste, hair gel, shampoo, soap, brush, comb, bedside table with all of my…unmentionables…in it, Bad Luck[1] posters, my computer chair, my laptop (rooms came with a desk), Cd player, Cds, razor blade, shaving cream…

            I paused for a moment, making sure I hadn't forgotten anything, and then waved the other two over. 

            "All right," I told them, trying to convince myself that Squall would not drop my things on purpose, "This is it. Raj, you get the computer chair and pile all of this into it," I pointed to everything but the clothes, bathroom items, laptop, gunblade, and bedside table. He started on that, and I shoved everything but my gunblade, laptop, and bedside table into two bags.

            "Leonhart, this is for you," I told him, handing him the bags, and he raised an eyebrow. 

            "…Thanks," he said sarcastically, but took them nonetheless, and seemed to resist whatever destructive urges he was feeling. I then put my gunblade case on top of the small bedside table, and my laptop on top of Hyperion, and picked it up.

            "Be careful with this stuff," I told them, and made for the door. 

            As soon as we walked out of the door people moved out of the way, most probably wondering what the hell was going on, and I led Raj and Leonhart to my new dorm. Most of the things made it there all right, except for the posters, which rolled off of the chair every so often, and Squall punched in his code, opening the door. 

            "Man, this is nice," Raijin said as soon as he walked in, and I had to agree. Due to Squall's…special needs…one of the larger officer rooms had been assigned to us. The door opened into a living room, and the kitchen was to the left, with an open entryway that made it look like an actual separate room between us and it. The bathroom was next to the kitchen, and the bedroom took up the entire back of the room. It was a one-person room, and yet it was bigger than most of the two-person dorms. That was kind of depressing. 

            As soon as the three months was over, or whenever it was that they got a cure, I was going to become an officer. 

            "Right," I told them, "In here." I opened the door to the bedroom, carefully placing my gunblade and laptop on the bed parallel to the near wall, and setting the bedside table next to it. The two beds were parallel to each other, and only three feet apart. My bed was separated from the bathroom by only about three inches of wall, so Squall didn't have to wake me up for anything. 

            I, on the other, would have to either ignore it or wake the sleeping Lion, and neither option was particularly appealing, but then this _was all my fault. Hyne, Quisty was annoying sometimes._

            Squall dropped the first bag he was carrying next to me.

            "This is for the closet. I'm putting this in the bathroom. Don't move." He said, lifting the other bag, and then he disappeared around the corner, and I heard the opening and closing of cabinets. Curious, I followed him, watching from the doorway as he put shampoo and soap into the small indentations in the shower, toothbrush and toothpaste in designated holders, and then opened the mirror.

            He picked up the hair gel, comb, and brush, setting them carefully on the left of the first level, and then on the right he put the shaving cream. He picked up my razor, staring at it for a moment, and I cleared my throat, making him jump.

            "Why'd you do all that?" I asked him, indicating to the shower and then the mirror. He put my razor on the far right of the top shelf, next to the shaving cream, closed the mirror, and then turned to face me.

            "Neat freak," he said simply, and then pointed to the top shelf, "You're taller." I scoffed.

"By like…" I trailed off, realizing for the first time that Squall was actually kind of…short. Compared to me, anyway. The top of his head only reached my nose. "Oh." I finished tactfully, and Squall shrugged, running a hand through his silver-brown hair, before walking out of the door and around the corner. 

I didn't follow for a second, waiting to see if I felt the tug, but I didn't. A brief hope came over me, before I rounded the corner myself and saw the Squall was sitting on my bed, as close to the wall as possible. So much for _that_.

Raijin came over then, indicating to the desk in the corner of the room.

"I set up your stuff, ya know? I'm gonna go now. See ya around, Seif." He said, and, true to his word, left. I walked over to the desk, followed by Squall, and cast a critical eye over my computer and CD player. He didn't seem to have broken anything, and it was all pretty much how I liked it, so I turned to face my new roommate. 

"Your turn." I said, waiting for him to lead the way.

~*~*~

The walk to his dorm was pretty much the same as the first one, which drove me insane. I hated it when people pretended I didn't exist. Squall, on the other hand, didn't seem to have a problem with it; he just went off into Squall World.

I stopped abruptly, almost hoping Squall wouldn't realize it, but he did, and turned to face me. I didn't say anything for a moment, and he just stared at me expectantly.

"You never told me what you're always thinking about when you go off like that." He just crossed his arms, staring at me for a moment. Then he sighed.

"I talk to Shiva." It was quiet, so quiet I almost didn't hear it. He looked up at me, waiting to be called insane, to be insulted like I'm sure he had been so many times before, whether concerning this or not. I realized that in this moment, I had the chance to be quite possibly the only friend this boy had, if only I said the right thing.

"What?"

Okay, so not the best thing I could've said, but at least it wasn't 'Hyne, Squall, you're psychotic!' or something along those lines. Squall didn't say anything for a few seconds, and then a few minutes, and I lost whatever patience I had.

"Out _loud, Squall." I told him, not for the first time that day, and he glanced up at me, startled._

"Who is your GF?" He asked suddenly, and I frowned, surprised by his question. 

"Ifrit," the fire demon. Squall smiled, but not at me.

"Don't you ever talk to him?" I decided not to comment on questioning the obvious.

"No." 

"Have you ever tried to?" I didn't say anything.

"Well, then." Squall said, his tone insistent.

_'Well, then' indeed, _I thought as my eyes closed, searching for something in my mind. 

Fire; fire all around me, light dancing and shifting and forming a wall, rushing to obscure a feral grin and amber eyes lit from within. Immense horns curled from fiery fur, pierced with gold that glowed in the flames. Claws shifted; pacing behind the wall. Was it time?

It wasn't spoken, it was understood. An agreement made so long ago that there was no _why, no question of anything but time. Yet, unlike before, I was not here to cross the flames. I stayed on my side, staring through the yellow-orange curtain and wondering._

The great beast shook his head, jewelry ringing softly over the roar of the flames. No. 

_No?_ I ventured a question, and suddenly the flames stopped, freezing in place as the lion-beast leant towards the wall, fangs bared in an unsettling grin. His eyes were large, a glowing liquid gold, melted by the heat within. Both giant paws rested upon the glowing barrier, and he studied me with those great eyes.

_We are not all like Shiva,_ His voice was like the roaring flames, echoing heavily in my mind, _speech does not come easily to us, not with you humans. She talks because she has to. _

There was a pause, and the flames started to dance again, obscuring the shape behind them. _Each of us gives something to our chosen, something to help them. A friend was not your gift; seek me only when your own fire is not enough._

Then he was gone, and I opened my eyes. Squall was closer now, staring at me intently, and sweat beaded on his forehead. 

"Don't worry," I assured him, "I have that effect on everyone." He rolled his eyes.

"It got hot all of a sudden," He stated, running a hand through his damp hair, "it was coming from you. And your eyes are yellow." I blinked.

"They are?"

"Not anymore. They were until a second ago, though. And the heat left, too." He seemed more comfortable now, which was understandable, considering he was all in black leather, and wearing a jacket.

"Do you always wear all that?" The question was out before I knew it, and Squall looked at me sharply, not bothering to answer.

"You talked to Ifrit," He told me, "Like I do Shiva. Raijin said it got cold around me. Is that why you call me Ice Prince?" I hadn't ever heard him talk so much, and I hurried to answer, for fear that he'd space out again.

"Nah, that isn't why we call you that. You don't show emotion. It's this," I tapped my chest, above my heart, "all ice."

Squall didn't say anything, and I couldn't tell what he was thinking, eyes unreadable behind a pale mask. 

"He doesn't like to talk. Ifrit, I mean. He said they weren't all like Shiva, and something about a gift." I paused. "Would you consider Shiva your friend?"

Squall laughed a little, and it was a moment before I realized what it was, considering how often he laughs.

"She is my only true friend. Everyone else just wants something." Maybe he did know about Quistis's crush. I couldn't think of anything worth saying to _that_, so I just waited, and h jingle His, andhhhhhhhhhhhhe stood there for a moment, then turned around and led me to a door. 

Fingers moved over the key panel, and the door slid open, revealing the familiar layout of a dorm room. It was pretty much the same as my old one, except cleaner, and my roommate walked over to the far door, opening it to reveal the single most boring room I'd ever seen.

There were no posters, no furniture except for the bed and bedside table, and but for a small Discman and a Cd book on the rather empty desk, the only ornament was his gunblade.

"Wow," was all I said, before scooping up the Cds and handheld, and then his pillow, piling on the bedside table as Squall carefully got his gunblade in order and opened his closet. I gaped.

Squall had a grand total of seven articles of clothing; His SeeD uniform, his formal wear, three white shirts, and two pairs of leather pants. All was neatly folded, and he scooped it up, piling it on top of the gunblade case and heading towards the bathroom, leaving me to follow behind, trying to balance the small dresser and the Cds.

His bathroom wasn't much better. He grabbed a toothbrush, toothpaste, shampoo, soap, and a small plastic grey box from below the sink, stuffing it all into the stack of clothes.

"No razor?" He opened his mouth, and then closed it, looking startled.

"Don't have to," he stated bitterly after a moment, and I felt my eyebrows rise.

"Really?" I leaned forward before I could stop myself, stopping inches away from marble skin stretched over high cheekbones, studying it carefully. Squall froze, staring dead ahead and not breathing, as if hoping I'd forget he was there if he didn't move. His skin was perfectly clear of the shadow of hair, smooth and soft and…whoa Seifer.

I gulped, jerked away, and took a step back, careful to stay within the limit, watching as Squall immediately relaxed.

"You really are a girl, aren't you?" I asked, and Leonhart took up his customary scowl. 

"Thanks," he said tersely, beginning to walk for the door, and before I realized it I was scrambling to catch up, though I didn't know why. _He_ should be the one worrying about the damn spell, not me.

"Aren't you gonna say 'bye' to your roommate?" I asked, only then realizing that I still didn't know who it was.

"Zell isn't in much, and he knows about this whole situation. He brought me back."

"Oh." Ever the eloquent one, I followed Squall out of the door, and as soon as I was out he turned around again, to press the 'close' button, and then froze. The air went cold, but nothing else happened for a full thirty seconds, his hand just hovering over the keypad, until I got bored and nudged him with my shoulder.

"The big red one, Squall; can't miss it," I told him, and he frowned, pressed the button, and turned around, looking up at me through ragged bangs.

"Don't touch me," His voice was flat.

"You _really need to get laid," I informed him, and it was in that moment, staring down at stormy blue-grey eyes through a fringe of uneven brown hair, that I decided I would be the one to do it._

**End Chapter 3**

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[1] Whee! Gravitation plug!

Augh! That took _forever! My poor fingers!_

I've been typing that on and off since 3 am, and it is almost 3 pm. That thing was long.

I'm actually trying to get in development, instead of a Balamb Garden Sex Free-For-All, so there won't be any _serious yaoi for about two or three chapters, knowing Squall and his aversion to touch._

Living People: Actually, I just have a thesaurus ;)

Read? Review!


	4. Gravity of Love

See first page for details

I fixed chapter three, and rewrote some parts. My computer was totally flipping out, and I replaced the content about 80 times, but it just didn't take. Argh. -_-'

**A Fate Worse Than Death**

****

**Chapter 4**

****

3rd Person:

Night was falling over Garden, lights clicking on one by one as the sun finally died, the overall effect looking much like fireflies. Soft laughter sounded from the Training Center; a girl and her boyfriend, aglow in the neon lights.

Seifer sighed, watching their shadowy forms from his window, and remembered sex. It had been almost two _days, and he was starting to get jumpy. The silhouettes suddenly disappeared, drawn down by the gravity of love, two fading shadows against a brightly colored background.[1]_

His chair creaked as he rolled back the few inches to his desk, scrolling aimlessly across gunblade web pages, keeping an eye out for any mention of the Hyperion model.

Squall sat on the floor by his feet, arms wrapped around his knees, which were drawn tightly against his chest, upon which he rested his head. His breathing was slow and steady, and not for the first time Seifer wondered what he was doing. Frowning, he looked back to the computer screen, but his eyes wouldn't focus, so he looked back to Squall. Then back to the computer screen. Back to Squall. Computer screen. Squall. Computer screen.

"Squall, what are you doing?" The blonde sighed, giving in to curiosity. His rival sat bolt upright, hair disheveled and eyes wide in surprise.

"Sleeping!" the answer came out loud and rushed, as if caught doing something wrong. Seifer just stared.

"Are you tired?" 

The brunette blinked, relaxing, and nodded a little, head drooping to rest on his knees again.

"Why didn't you tell me?" He was only a little annoyed when Squall didn't answer, and he nudged the other man with his boot.

"Leonhart?" 

No answer. He was asleep again. Sighing, Seifer shut off his computer, and reached down to pick up his roommate, trying his very best not to think bad thoughts about carrying someone to bed. He almost expected Squall to wake up and demand to be put down, but he didn't, and only continued sleeping.

Nearing the bed, Seifer paused, an odd thought occurring to him. He _liked_ carrying Squall, whether it was because he looked like a girl, or that he was just a very attractive guy, Seifer was unsure; he just didn't want to put him down. It was strange to admit, but the brunette was nice to be around when he was asleep, and not being an ass. So Seifer just stood for a moment, savoring the not-too-heavy, yet not-too-light weight, the soft sound of breathing, and the head of silver-brown hair resting against his chest that was Squall.

But then his rival stirred, and Seifer hastily placed him on his bed, eyes lingering on the combat boots, mentally debating whether to take them off. 

His eyes traveled back up to Squall's face, back down to his boots, and again once more, before shrugging and turning back to his own bed, barely three feet away. 

His nightclothes, shiny grey silk pajama pants, lay haphazardly on the quilt, and he picked them up, shrugging first out of his trench coat, and then the rest of his clothes, before stepping into the cool silk. 

Behind him, bedsprings creaked, and Seifer turned quickly, but it was only Squall, shifting in his sleep so as to face the window. Green eyes traveled down the smooth curves of the leather-clad body, resting on the unnervingly shapely hips and long legs, and it was almost too much to not flip the younger man over and straddle him right there.

Seifer frowned, _since when have I been so attracted to Leonhart? And he sighed again and climbed under the covers, falling almost instantly asleep._

~*~*~

His dreams were erratic and nonsensical, broken up into little fragments of memories and fantasy. The only one he remembered was the last:

_Squall stood on a barren plain, hair ruffled by an unseen wind. There were no plants, no people; only dark grey cement as far as the eye could see. Suddenly ice began to twine up his legs, and he brought his arms, previously hidden behind his back, forward; wrists up._

_Blood flowed in rivers from long white scars, streaming down his pale skin to drip onto the floor, forming small red puddles in which danced unfamiliar faces._

_"Help me," Squall whispered, just as the ice overtook his face, and there was a sound like a drum._

Blue-green eyes shot open, and Seifer sat upright. Something was wrong. 

Fumbling for the light switch, he squinted as the room was flooded with light, blinking rapidly to adjust his eyes.

His gaze fell immediately to Squall's bed; empty, and then he noticed the tugging sensation in the back of his mind. Throwing back the covers, Seifer bolted out of bed, into the living room. 

Wheezing caught his attention, along with the occasional strangled cough, and his eyes searched the darkness for the source. It was then that he saw it.

Squall was leaning heavily on the kitchen doorframe, clinging to it with shaking limbs, his breath coming in shallow gasps. In the space of a heartbeat Seifer had appeared by his side, keeping him upright with one arm and holding Squall's arms above his head to aid in breathing with the other.

As soon as the other man's breathing had evened out, he was spun around, and found himself caught full-force by a glare. 

"What did we agree, about stunts like this?" Seifer hissed, "Are you _suicidal_, or something?" When there was no answer, he shook Squall a little.

"Hey! Focus. I ask you something, and you…?" the question hung in the air as the blonde waited for an answer.

"Hate this." Soft. Said more to the floor than his face.

"What?"

"I _hate this!" Squall yelled, pushing away from Seifer and turning quickly, slamming his fist into the wall with such force that it left a dent. The other man just stared for a moment, watching as the brunette didn't move from the position; one hand half-embedded in the wall, the other flat against it, steadying himself. His breath was coming hard and fast again, but not from a spell._

As Seifer watched, Squall's open hand curled into a fist, and he slid down the wall, regaining his composure.

"I hate having to talk, having to do everything you want to. I hate it that I can't get away not even for a second, that I'm weak, that I have to spend three months with an _asshole." _

He paused, took a deep breath, and Seifer ignored the last remark.

"I hate that I can't go to the training center unless _you_ want to, that I can't sit in the library and do nothing any more because it annoys _you, I hate the pity I get from some people, and the confusion from others, when all I want is to just be invisible. I hate that you're still being nice to me, when you hated me before." _

Seifer almost thought he was done and took a step forward, before he heard the next words, so soft that, had he been breathing, he would have missed them.

"I hate that I depend on you. But most of all…" There was a pause, as if he didn't want to finish.

"Most of all I hate that my skin doesn't crawl when you touch me, anymore." Squall sighed, turning so as to lean sideways against the wall.

"I just want everything to be back to normal." He said at last, and, steeling himself, Seifer moved to sit beside him. There was a slight shift sideways, a last-ditch attempt at avoidance, but then Squall was still, resting his chin on his knees and watching the other man warily out of the corner of his eye.

"So why'd you get up in the first place?"

The question was clearly unexpected, and nothing was said for a while. 

"I was hungry." Squall said finally. 

"Why didn't you just wake me up?" 

Squall frowned, looking away. 

"I thought I could make it if I held my breath,"

"Didn't work, huh?" 

"Apparently not." The sarcasm was evident, and suddenly Seifer stood, beckoning for Squall to follow.

A few steps into the kitchen, and the blonde pointed to a chair, in which Squall promptly sat, unconsciously scowling. There were a few _clinks_ of metal on glass, the small _hiss_ of a refrigerator door, and a sandwich was dropped onto a plate in front of the startled brunette, before Seifer moved to occupy the chair opposite him. 

The younger man frowned, glancing up at his rival with a questioning look in his eyes, but Seifer just smirked.

"You know, you're talking a lot more lately, Squally," 

"I hate it," Squall said flatly, before picking up the sandwich, "and _don't_ call me 'Squally'."

Seifer couldn't help but laugh.

~*~*~

"That's _it!" Another dent appeared in the wall, made by a different hand. Seifer was on a rampage, but Squall just stared at him blankly, his eyes the familiar ice-blue._

"Squall, you can't just ignore me all the time! I'm getting really sick of watching you just space out whenever you don't want to talk, cutting yourself off from everything. I'm getting _bored!"_

The only reply was a further drop in the room temperature, and Seifer's eyes widened as Squall flickered; just once, before turning unseeing eyes on his rival.

"Why not? Why should I talk to you? You only mock me and pry at my thoughts. I see no reason to tell you something just because you _want to know." There was a strangled scream from Seifer._

"Because you have to talk _sometime_. You're completely _out_ _of it, Squall! I've been trying to be nicer to you, which is really, _really_ hard, so the least you could do is not shut me out! You're the only person __around most of the time; it's not like I have any other options!"_

Neither one of them remembered when they'd started arguing, or why, but as Seifer's voice escalated along with the number of dented walls, Squall receded further and further into his mind, so deep in the wall of ice that he was almost Summoning.

The fight had been going on for the better part of an hour, Seifer accusing Squall of being suicidal, of trying to get him kicked out, of doing this _just_ to piss him off, of being emotionally retarded, and insane. Squall had called him an asshole and promptly shut up, the temperature in the room dropping drastically with each continued rant, until Seifer's breath came in white clouds and even under his layers of clothing and natural resilience to cold Squall began to feel the bite of arctic air.

Squall:

            It was like staring at a storm from underwater. Seifer, in all his fury, raged on outside my body, but he looked so far away, and blurred, as I watched from deep within.

            I was pressed up against the ice wall, so close that I could feel diamond dust on my fingertips, and from over my shoulder Shiva watched all that went on with frosty blue eyes.

            _He is right Lion, just as I have told you so many times before. I scowled as she said this, her voice unusually cold and biting, howling like a snowstorm in my head, __You need friends in the real world, friends not stuck inside your head. I do my best to help you when you need it, but you have taken it too far, relied on me instead of your own strength. Talk to him. Apologize._

            I bristled at her tone, resenting being told what to do, but didn't comment on it.

            _I want to be left alone, I told her, __I don't want friends. I don't want love or like or even kindness. I just want to disappear.  _

The Guardian shook her head, silver earrings tinkling like icicles.

_You said you love me. I am your friend. Is that because I _can_ make you disappear? Do you resent my kindness?_

Her voice was neither sad nor angry, but a small amused tone that burned like a touch, scalding my skin.

_No, _I admitted softly. _No. I am sorry. You are ever my friend, Shiva. Sometimes I just don't think before I speak._

_I noticed. _Came the wry reply, and I frowned, sighing mentally.

_Everyone I ever loved just…left. I am alone because of _them_. You have my memories, do you deny this? Why should I love, when that is all it is; heartbreak and disappointment? Why should I make friends?_

Shiva smiled her mysterious smile, reaching through the barrier to place an icy kiss on my forehead. As soon as the barrier had broken, I felt the odd pull that was usually followed by the Rift, where I would bask in long-lost memories before returning to the real world to face mangled bodies, forgetting them again.

This time, however, was different. The small flash, and then solid ground returned, and I felt my body blink.        

_Now talk to him, he will never leave you_, the pale beauty demanded, and my forehead creased in a frown.

_I wasn't talking about _him_ before, _I told her, wondering why she thought he even _had_ the ability to break my heart. She just smiled again.

_Yes you were. _Shiva insisted, but I just shook my head, and had she not been so dignified, I'm fairly sure she would have put her hands on her hips. Instead, she frowned, and I had the strangest sensation of being shoved.

Before I knew it, I was listening to Seifer, trying to get back to the ice wall. 

But I was blocked.

"Are you _listening to me?!" Seifer knuckles were bleeding now, his breath coming in pants as he towered over me._

"No," I assured him absently, throwing myself against the barrier in my mind. Nothing happened, and I fought back panic, taking a deep breath. This was not the first time Shiva had disappeared. She would come back. I just had to wait.

Unfortunately, I wasn't given much time to do so. I was now quite literally caught in the open, and Seifer knew it, too. His green eyes were glittering maliciously, and he walked the few feet over to where I sat, placing both hands deliberately on my shoulders. For the first time in a while I felt my skin crawl at the unwanted contact, skin burning and shoulders heaving to rid themselves of the threat.

"Don't touch me." I told him, struggling to keep my voice flat, but it didn't seem to work. The grip tightened, and I winced, jerking backwards desperately. He didn't budge. 

I felt the blind panic seeping over me now, and I grappled with the table, seeking to use it as leverage, but Seifer's weight and strength kept me rooted to the spot. Against my wishes, I felt tears prick at my eyes, and my shoulders grinded painfully in their sockets, moving of their own will to rid themselves of the threat.

"Don't _touch me!" My voice cracked with desperation, and suddenly the pressure was gone, Seifer holding out his hands in apology, a look closely akin to regret on his face._

For a few seconds we did nothing but stare at each other, my breathing near that of hyperventilation, and Seifer's eyes narrowed.

"Sorry," He said awkwardly, his pride allowing him nothing more, and I nodded quickly, not wanting a repeat of the last few seconds.

"Counselor," He said, "This isn't working," and I nodded my assent again, trying to gather my thoughts and get under control again. It took a few seconds, and then, not saying anything, we both walked for the door, though I stayed as far away from him as the spell would allow, hoping against hope that Shiva had been wrong.

**End Chapter 4**

[1] That was just corny. But I _had to work in 'gravity of love'._

_Ok_, I tried to fix the millions of screw-ups in the last chapter. Sorry about that; my computer was totally freaking, and then ff.n was having issues with replacing content. Thanks for all the lovely reviews, guys! I'm not sure if this is romance/humor, or romance/angst, so you're just gonna have to bear with me. ^_^

This was originally going to be longer, but I have to figure out how I'm gonna do the next chapter, so I'm just going to post this now. Like a cookie! *stuffs reader's mouths with cookies*


	5. Gentile Kisses of Touch

See first chapter for details

Note: I mentioned a counselor very briefly in the second chapter, but even if I hadn't, Garden is sort of a school, so they should have counselors, anyway, what with Squall being there and all. ^_^

**A Fate Worse Than Death**

**Chapter 5**

****

Seifer:

            I was _such a fucking idiot. _

            I'd made it my goal to get into bed with Squall; set about to try and make him able to function as a relatively normal member of society, and what's the first thing I do?

            Scare him out of his mind. Or, more likely, even deeper _into his mind. Not that it was completely my fault or anything, considering that he was being an ass, but somehow I doubted he saw my side of the argument. This was gonna get pinned on me, just like this whole mess was, because no one thinks Squall is capable of wrongdoing. _

Though, now that I think of it, that is actually perfectly reasonable. The man is barely capable of _speech; the very thought of him doing something _wrong_ is pretty much absurd._

I sighed. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Squall's head jerk up, startled. He eyed me warily, almost exactly five feet away; behind me and to the left, body tensed as if to run. 

A frown formed on his lips, waiting for me to move, and I fought the brief urge to hop forward and catch him by surprise, enacting a little revenge for our argument a few minutes earlier. The very argument that was responsible for us being in the hallway, walking towards the promised counselor, whom I hoped would be able to convince Squall to talk every once in awhile.

Another sigh, then I made a point of shifting my weight forward- showing him I was going to move again- and we continued our trek through Garden.

Squall:

            Seifer was very obviously pissed off. 

            Whether he knew it or not, he was glaring at his feet as he walked, shaking his head and muttering under his breath. For some inane reason, I hoped he wasn't mad at me.

            Suddenly he stopped, and sighed, and I abruptly ended my movements as well, unsure as of what he was stopping for. My shoulder burned where he had grabbed me, making me alert to any movement he might make. I frowned.

            Why did I care whether it was me he was mad at or not? _He was the one who was so obsessed with getting me to talk, __he who had completely ignored my obvious wish for quiet. _

It was _he who got angry at stupid things, __he who flaunted emotions like they were something to be proud of; __he who confused me beyond belief with his capricious moods, and then got angry when I drew inside myself to escape the uncertainty of it all. My scowl deepened. __Seifer was the one who had touched me, crushing my shoulders when __he lost control._

But then I wasn't so sure he _had lost control. The egotistical bastard seemed to have an obsession with causing me as much discomfort as possible. My entire childhood was proof of that, as was the scar on my face, and the pain in my shoulders, and the chaos of emotions inside me; torn between the Seifer of last night and the Seifer of this morning._

He was staring at me. I shifted uncertainly, not liking the intensity of his gaze, and my body tensed, all set to run. I stifled a weak laugh.

Run? Where to? Behind me lead to death, forward led to Seifer. Had this morning not happened, the choice would have been obvious, but now…

_…Now,_ death was very slowly becoming an option. Seifer sighed again, almost as if in response to my decision, and turned, beginning to walk again. I felt my muscles relax, and I followed at a safe distance, resuming once again to try to break the barrier in my mind that kept me from the wall of ice.

3rd Person:

            "All right," The counselor, a cheery brunette in what looked to be her late twenties pulled two files from a sizeable cabinet, flipping through them with long red nails as she walked back to her wooden desk. Seifer's eyes followed her every move, drawn to long legs bared by a crimson miniskirt that matched her nails.

            _Three days, he thought mournfully, __three days. __I'm never going to survive this. Either Squall is going to stop hiding behind those unreasonable belts, or he is just going to have to deal with me having sex while he's in the room. Though he probably wouldn't admit it to anyone but himself, Seifer preferred the former to the latter. Something about making Squall moan was very appealing._

            His thoughts were interrupted by the _clunk_ of a moving chair, and he looked up as the counselor settled into her seat, files still in hand.

            "Well," Her voice, despite her appearance, was rather no-nonsense, stern and articulated, "I must admit, you're the first students I've seen in quite a while. What with the standards and the encouragement of duels, most students work their problems out by themselves, or simply aren't here." A pause.

            "_But, taking into consideration your __particular situation, one could see how a duel would just…complicate things further. Therefore, I am to try and aid you two in any way possible. You may call me Miss Lenne, or just Lenne will be fine." [1]_

            There was silence as Squall just stared out the window, trying to ignore the fact that he and Seifer sat side-by-side on the stereotypical 'psychiatrist' couch. The blonde had his arms crossed, leaning against the backboard with a nonchalant air, but he watched Squall out of the corner of his eye, seeming to focus on the brunette's excessive amount of belts. The smaller man shifted uncomfortably, crossing his arms in an unintentional mimic of Seifer. At her desk, Lenne smiled slightly, scribbling something on a notepad along with a few other notes and observations she had made about the two. The sound caught Squall's attention immediately, and his head turned sharply.

            "What are you writing?" He demanded, obviously suspicious. Seifer sat up a bit, interested as well.

            "Just observations," came the calm assurance.

            "Can we see it?" Seifer this time, arms uncrossed as he pushed himself up completely. The movement startled Squall out of his semi-relaxed state, and he moved slightly further along the couch, hands coming down to grip the edges of the scarlet material. Seifer frowned at him.

            "Why are you so jumpy?"

            There was no answer, Squall only scowled and looked back to Lenne, still writing notes.

            "I'll show tell you after the session," She replied, in answer to Seifer's question, and then picked up the first file, a rather thick one, and flipped through the loose sheets of paper, stopping every once in awhile to read a bit. About halfway through, she stopped, and pulled out a small paper clipped stack, her eyes following the text quickly. A thoughtful frown tugged at her lips.

            Seifer grimaced. _Probably mine._

Chocolate eyes looked up to study each of the boys. She looked over them for a few seconds, then went back to reading, flipping to the second and then the third page, eyes widening. Seifer squirmed; Squall continued to stare at nothing in particular. Finally she read to the end of the last page, putting the sheets back in the file and clasping her hands on the desk. Her suddenly bright eyes settled on the sulking brunette.

            "I assume you're Squall Leonhart?" 

            Seifer just gaped. That had been Squall's file? _Squall's_?_ _

            The teen next to him sighed, which Seifer understood as a 'yes', but Lenne didn't seem to get it. The silence stretched for a moment as she waited for an answer. Finally a low 'yes' was heard as the staring made Squall increasingly uncomfortable. He brought his arms back up, crossing them over his chest and leaning back, not meeting anyone's gaze.

            "I see,"

            Silence for a few seconds. Seifer's curiosity burned. A crimson nail tapped the top of the file.

            "And before…? I don't remember you. Who filed the report?" 

            "Dr. Kadowaki."

            "She acted as a counselor as well?"

            Another brief silence.

            "Yes."

            "And Dr. Kadowaki again, after that?"

            "Yes." Squall was squirming uncomfortably now, hiding his face behind his hair. Seifer fought the urge to put an arm around him with the urge to beat them both senseless for not telling him what was going on. There was a rustling of papers and Lenne looked over the reports again.

            "This third time, it only mentions the event, not anything afterwards. No counselor?" Squall shook his head.

            "Why not, if I may ask?"

            "I don't _like talking," Squall said pointedly, "it was a waste of my time."_

            Lenne nodded absently, scribbling something down in the notebook. Seifer resisted the impulse to jump up and grab it from her. When she was finished, she gave the brunette a sharp look.

            "It only works if you _let_ it," She said, just as pointedly, and then she closed the file and picked up another one. There were only two sheets of paper in it. Seifer blinked.

            "…and you're Seifer." It wasn't a question. The counselor picked up a sheet in each hand, looking first at one, then the other. She raised an eyebrow.

            "This says something about squid, a Fira spell, and having to move into a different dorm." Beside him, Squall coughed, covering up a laugh, and Seifer glared.

            "I didn't _know squid were flammable." He asserted softly, "I was hungry, and Raijin didn't tell me it was still alive." Something strongly resembling a giggle escaped Squall's throat, but when the other two people looked at him, he was scowling and looking away. Lenne tsked._

            "And after promising not to burn anything else down, too." She scolded, tapping the files on the desk straighten them before returning them to the cabinet. It was the work of a second, and she was soon back at her desk.

            "All right," her voice was bright, "What seems to be the problem between you two?"

Seifer:

            _I don't think Leonhart will let me screw him, My mind immediately supplied, followed shortly by __I probably won't get laid for three months! And then __I don't see how Squall could not want me! The thought that he may be straight never occurred to me. Not when __I was concerned._

            "...Seifer thinks I'm too introspective." Squally said finally, surprising everyone, even himself, by the look on his face. I snorted.

            "That's an understatement." Lenne glanced at me, and then her gaze settled on Squall again.

            "Do _you think you're too introspective?" Her voice was soft._

            A creak of leather as he shrugged, wrapping both arms around a knee, and resting his chin on it. His eyes went unfocused, staring in the general direction of the desk. I resisted the urge to pull him into my arms and squeeze him. He looked so lonely…so…_lost._

The lady-shrink glanced at me; I glanced at her breasts, then quickly up to her face, hoping she didn't notice. She narrowed her eyes again, writing something down. Fuck.

            "Well, given the situation, you will have to adjust some aspects of your life. You may have to talk to Seifer more than you'd like, because, even thought it is through no fault of your own-" I winced. Wouldn't they _drop that? "-he is going to be a part of your life for the next few months, or whenever it is the scientists in Esthar finally get around to creating a cure, or someone finds one during their travels." She paused, tapping pale purple lips with red nails. _

            "Seifer?" The question was so sudden that I jumped, "Anything you want to add?"

            _Will you have sex with me? Right now? On the desk?_

"Not really."

            "Are you sure? Any thoughts? Feelings? Anything you walk to ask Squall? This is the time for it." She insisted.

            _Will you__ have sex with me? Right now? On the couch?_

"Why bother? He isn't going to answer me." Squall shot me a glare, which I returned. Lenne sighed.

            "All right, then. I guess I'll just ask you some questions." She turned to a different page in the notebook.

            "Squall," he scowled at his name, "Is there any specific reason you don't want to talk to Seifer? Anything he does to annoy you?"

            "Everything," came the immediate answer. I rolled my eyes. Lenne scribbled something in the notebook.

            "Anything more _specific_?" Lenne pressed. 

            Squall got quiet for a second, looking at his hands.

            "I hate being touched." He announced, finally. I winced. As if I weren't sorry enough about this morning. Lenne frowned, wrote something down in her notebook, and crossed it out. She stared at the page for a second, and then wrote something else. 

            "Anything else?" Lenne asked after a moment. Squall frowned, his discomfort painfully obvious.

            "He calls it Squall World," came the soft reply, "where I 'go' when I space out. I…it's been brought to my attention before that maybe I am too detached, spend too much time in here," he tapped one gloved finger against his head, "and not enough in the real world. I like being alone, though. I like being detached. I don't want to have to make friends with people and smile and be happy. I _like_ Squall World." A pause.

            "But when I think about it more, I just don't know. I hate people, but there are a few that are alright sometimes. I'm just not sure what I should do." He sighed, glanced at me, an unreadable expression on his face. There was the sound of pencil on paper from the desk.

            "But I hate being touched. And Seifer doesn't help by being an asshole." Leonhart finished, and I groaned. Metal clicked as he shifted his weight and put both feet back on the floor, propping his elbows on his forelegs and resting his head in his hands. Lenne put her pencil down.

            "Why do you hate being touched, Squall?" She inquired gently. There was no reply. After about a minute of silence, I answered instead.

            "I think he's done talking."

            "Squall?" Lenne called again. Leonhart didn't even acknowledge her. Sighing, the woman flipped to a new page, turning to me instead.

            "Okay, Mr. Almasy. Let's talk about you." I grinned.

            "My favorite subject." 

            "Why did you come here today?" Ouch. Right to the point. Not even a 'how are you, want to have sex?'

            "Well," I began, "Squall was pretty much being an asshole all morning, wouldn't even talked to me, just _completely_ ignoring the small but unforgettable fact that I do, indeed, exist. Figuring he just wasn't a morning person, I sat there for the better part of an hour, waiting to see what he would do."

            Scribble, scribble, scribble.

            "He did absolutely nothing. And, as you may recall, we are required to stay within five feet of each other or Squally-boy there has a conniption and starts choking on his lungs. I was bored. He wouldn't talk to me, or move, and I was too nice to just get up and risk his life, so I started trying to get a response. _Any_ response." Squall was glaring at me from under his curtain of hair.

            "Long story short, he called me a bastard, the room temperature dropped about forty degrees, and then I started wasting the walls with my fists. That went on for another fifteen minutes, and I finally got fed up and grabbed him by his shoulders, upon which Squall went into hysterics and-" I bowed slightly, "-here we are."

            Lenne looked at me sharply.

            "Did you know he doesn't like being touched?" 

            "He's only told me fifty or so times," But hell if I was gonna stand around bloodying _my knuckles instead of his nose. Leonhart really had to get over himself._

            "I see. You mentioned the room temperature dropping. What did you mean?" Her voice was preoccupied as she jotted down another few words in the notebook. That thing was gonna drive me insane. 

            I glanced sideways to see Squall glaring daggers at me, and I smirked. His scowl deepened.

            "Well," the glare intensified, "whenever Squally gets pissed-" I was cut off as something hit me in the side, knocking me off of the couch and onto the floor. Squall stood over me, shaking with barely concealed rage. 

            "I _told you not to call me that." He hissed dangerously, and had I been wiser, I would have apologized right there. But that's what is so great about me; I saw straight through his lame excuse, and couldn't help but wonder why he would tell _me_ about Shiva, and not the psychiatrist chick. I grinned, climbing to my feet._

            I distantly heard Lenne writing something in her notebook as I advanced on Leonhart, what I knew was an infuriating smile pulling at my lips. As soon as I got within a foot, Squall took an automatic step back, but his glare only intensified.

            "Where's Shiva?" I kept my voice quiet, mocking, so only he could hear, "Why hasn't the room frozen over by now?" I couldn't help myself, "Have you pissed her off, too?"

            Blue-grey eyes narrowed to slits.

            "Asshole!" black leather gloves reached for a gunblade that wasn't there as he rushed forward, slamming into me head-on. I snorted as I stumbled back a few steps; as if he could knock _me_ over. I retaliated, smashing into his side in a rush almost identical to his, but he only fell to his knees, and then lunged at me.

            "I fucking _hate you!" His voice was hoarse, "you can't just leave me _alone_, can you? You always have to be the center of fucking _attention_!" His shoulder hit me in the stomach, driven forward by his entire body's weight. I bent double, gasped for breath._

            Hands curling in on themselves, he stood in front of me, a thundercloud with all the storms on the earth inside him. 

            "You could never just let me live in peace! You always have to come in and screw with everything as I know it!" His voice had dropped back to an angry whisper, forced out of heaving lungs. But hell if I'd let him have the last hit. 

            I launched myself at him, leg muscles screaming from the strain. The move caught him by surprise, and he threw himself backwards, but I misjudged and rammed into his side, aiding his short flight across the room.

            Suddenly I remembered the spell, forgotten in the heat of battle, and there was a strangled cough from Squall.

            "Oh, _fuck, Squall!" I cursed, and rushed to where he had fallen._

Squall:

I couldn't move. Couldn't breathe. Couldn't think. Everything hurt from the furious, if short, fistfight, and my head was spinning as the familiar white lights danced in front of my eyes, spinning lazily across the growing black like shooting stars.

I closed my eyes, feeling sick for lack of breath and the terrible hurt in my stomach from where Seifer hit me, and my back from where I had fallen.

My breath wouldn't come; I was choking on air, suffocated by it.

My lungs were petrified, my head was split in two, my back was crushed, and I had been impaled by Ifrit's own twisted horns.

I was going to die. 

And then, quite suddenly, I could breathe again, and the pain disappeared. I opened my eyes, and saw Seifer, leaning over me with the afterglow of Cure on his fingers and a concerned look on his face, replaced quickly by his usual smirk when he saw me move.

I tried to breathe, inhaled too much air, and coughed violently as tears sprung to my eyes.

"Easy, Squally," came the gentile voice, and I tried to glare at Seifer, the effect considerably diminished by my wheezing and watery eyes. Hands clamped tightly around my arms, starting to pull me to my feet. Memory surfaced, strong hands crushing my shoulders, squeezing and not letting go. My skin burned at the touch, itching under leather, and I fought the gentile grip.

"Freeze." Lenne's voice rang out, sharp and commanding, and Seifer stopped lifting. I, however, ignored her, skin blistering beneath touch, muscles surging desperately, but I couldn't breathe yet, couldn't get my feet under me.

"I said 'freeze', Squall," but Seifer's hands were still on my arms, I couldn't hold still, I _had to get free, I was trapped! I threw myself against the barrier in my mind, seeking the emotionless calm of ice and the comfort of blue skin, but to no avail._

"_Don't make me cast Stop, Mr. Leonhart. Just hold still a moment. Try to relax. Breathe. Seifer isn't going to kill you." I __was breathing! I was breathing so hard I couldn't focus! Relax?! I stopped thinking before panic set in. I slammed complete and utter silence into my brain, and my body went stiff and rigid, staring mindlessly at the floor. _

"Now," came the cursed voice again, "What do you feel? Why are you scared?" I whimpered inside my mind, buried too deep under the need to _not panic_ to answer. My mind wasn't working right. I was trapped.

Then something shifted. 

Seifer was moving.

The hands on my arms began to move in soft circles, slowly down to my elbow. I shuddered, fell from my half-risen position back to my knees as the circles reached my forearms, gently working the panic from my brain. 

            Calm flooded through me, sent out in waves from the hands, and I felt my lashes flutter shut over unseeing eyes. 

The circles were halfway to my wrists, now, gentile kisses of touch on the skin. I still felt the burn it elicited, even through my thick jacket, but it wasn't frightening now, it was relaxing, intoxicating, and I felt myself fall forward, forehead hitting soft fabric that smelled of cool water and sweat.

"Nnhg." I said intelligently as the circles reached my hands, and something rumbled softly under my brow. Gloves were peeled off, but I was too swept up in lethargy to complain. The fingers were pulling slightly now, working over a web of bone and muscle, kneading callused skin until my fingers curled down in complete relaxation, and I heard my joints pop deliciously as the tugging continued over each digit.

I was completely mindless, now, a giant mass of boneless Squall, and I didn't even remember falling asleep.

Seifer:

            I knew I should have just let him go, just ignored Lenne's command and spared Squall the blind panic I knew was going to come. But a small part of me was curious, and another didn't _want_ to let go, and the rest was too focused on sex to think straight, so freeze I did.

            I almost felt horrible, watching him tug futilely against my grip, eyes wide and panicked. He obviously didn't see me, his eyes open but empty, and with each word Lenne said he got worse. Even I wasn't so cruel as to just ignore that.

            So I did the first thing that came to mind. I started to massage his arms, using techniques perfected on countless lovers, guaranteed to melt whoever had the good fortune of catching my eye.

            It worked almost as well as the Almasy Charm; in seconds he had stopped tugging, and within a minute he fell to his knees, and I did the same, holding up his seemingly boneless body as I worked my way down to his wrists.

            I saw him swaying, eyelashes fluttering against marble skin, and then he fell forward, head coming to rest on my shoulder. I chuckled, enjoying the comforting weight on my shoulder and the knowledge that Squall was helpless to resist me. And then I reached his hands. I had always liked his hands, almost as much as his ass, but they were always covered in the black gloves.

            Using his extreme state of lethargy to my advantage, I slowly peeled off his gloves, dropping them on the floor next to me. 

            Squall's hands were callused and scarred from countless battles, and I could see why he might want to hide them, but I thought they were beautiful, just like the rest of him. 

I slowly set to work on the muscles and joints, feeling them turn to mush beneath my hands.

            "Nnhg," Though it was muffled by my shoulder, I still heard what I knew to be a complete sign of surrender, and couldn't help but grin. It was only seconds before he was completely limp, leaning heavily against me, and I figured he'd _have to have sex with me after this._

            Then he started to slip sideways, and I caught him before he could bash his head on the floor, slowing the fall and gently letting him come to rest on the carpet.

            Squall had fallen asleep. 

            I grinned again, and as I watched he curled tightly into a ball, becoming nothing but a blob of black with a mess of brown hair. Then I remembered where we were.

            Looking up, I saw Lenne writing in the notebook again, and then she ripped out a page handed it to me, and snapped the notebook closed.

            I didn't even glance at the paper, just shoved it into my pocket and stretched.

            "Not even curious?" a smile glimmered on her lips, and I shook my head, smiling slightly.

            "Not at the moment. I'll look at it later. Though I could've sworn you wrote more than a page." 

            "The rest is for Squall only, if he wants to see it. I'm going to give him the notebook, too. He seems in need of a way to organize his thoughts and feelings." She nodded to the sleeping figure.

            "Wake him up, if you will. We aren't done." I frowned, feeling an odd surge of protectiveness.

            "Don't you think he's had enough trauma for one day?" I asked, only half joking. Lenne smiled.

            "No more trauma." She promised, "I'm just going to instigate a little question and answer between you two, so you both can get more into the swing of communicating with each other." 

            "You make us sound like we're in a relationship," _I_ only wanted to fuck him.

            "You are in far more of a relationship than most people. You two are going to be forced to spend a lot of time in a close proximity. You're going to have to learn to communicate without having a fistfight every time." She grinned mischievously, far from what I expected of a professional.

"Although I must admit, it was pretty sweet of you, the way you stopped it." I was about to deny it, then stopped.

She was right. 

What gives? I'd usually just hit him over the head and be done with it. Looks like I was getting soft.

"Don't read too much into it," I scowled at her bright smile, "Me and Squall, we go way back…" Pause. I scratched my head.

"I _think. I can't really remember. The GFs screw with our memory, you know?" Lenne nodded; she understood._

"Anyway, he's my rival. I can't stand to see him flipping out; pins a bad image on me." Well, it sort of made sense. Time for a subject change.

"Have you got a Guardian?" Lenne smiled, and I knew she knew what I was doing, but she nodded anyway.

"Siren," she told me, "all echoes and wings and ocean waves. I wouldn't give her up for all the memories in the world. Especially not mine." I briefly wondered what she meant. Bad childhood? Death of a lover?[2] I knew better than to ask, though. Not about that, at least.

"What did she give you?" Brown eyes just stared at me for a moment, and then a soft smile appeared on pale purple lips, and I barely heard her when she spoke.

"Song," she whispered, "she gave me song, and a voice to sing with. So I can sing to _him when I get lonely, and I know they reach him, even across ages." There was a long silence, and I looked over my shoulder at Squall, still asleep._

"I don't know what Ifrit gave me," I admitted, "Shiva gave Squall solace, to heal his mind; Quetzalcoatl gave Zell endless energy, to obtain his goals; Leviathan gave Quisty determination and courage for her job; Selphie got buoyant happiness from Carbunkle to fall back on in hard times; the Siren gave you song, to connect you with your lover, and Ifrit…" I frowned, thinking hard. After a moment I shrugged.

Lenne began to laugh, and I shot her a glare.

"Weren't you here three minutes ago? Did you see how quickly he melted? Really, Mister Almasy. Ifrit gave you charm; deadly, seductive charm with a heart of fire to match." I scoffed.

"I _had that! Long before Ifrit." The woman giggled at that, hiding a smile behind her hands, and gestured towards Squall._

"Just wake him up. This will only take fifteen minutes." I stared at her, aghast.

"What? And have Squall kill me? No thanks. _You _wake him up. He gets pissy when you bother him." The counselor shook her head firmly. 

"This is part of the session. Wake him up." Oh, I'm sure. Well, it was nice living.

Leaning down, I gently shook Squall's shoulders. 

"Hey," I told him when he cracked open a grey-blue eye to glare at me, "Up!" 

"Leave me alone," he muttered into his jacket, and I rolled my eyes.

"Get _up, Leonhart. You're on the floor of the counselor's office." He sat bolt upright, blinking rapidly._

"What am I doing here?" He asked no one in particular, and then looked at his hands, and winced, "And where are my gloves?" 

I pointed, and he grabbed them, strapping them on with the ease of long practice.

"Why?" He glanced at me out of the corner of his eye, and I shrugged.

"Took 'em off while you were busy moaning my name," I winked, smirking when he rolled his eyes and shoved his other hand into the second glove.

"I'm too tired to punch you, Almasy," he informed me, and then looked at Lenne, who beckoned for both of us to sit on the couch. I sat down closer to Squall than we had been previously, watching carefully for his reaction. There was only a slight flicker of his eye and a noncommittal shift of his weight away from me, but he was still watching carefully. I mentally nodded, satisfied.

~*~*~

3rd Person:

"Alright, Leonhart. Favorite color?" Seifer studied his nails casually, lounging against the back of the couch. After much persuasion by Lenne, they had started a question and answer game, Squall starting off with 'why are you such a bastard?' to which Seifer retaliated with 'why are you such an ass?' 

After the first five minutes, they stopped insulting each other and settled on asking non-threatening questions such as favorite food and color. 

"Black" came the immediate reply.

"Black isn't a color," Seifer asserted, just to be annoying, "It's the absence of all colors." Squall glared at him, and then shrugged.

"White, then." The blonde shook his head, smirking.

"Strike two," He tried to keep from smiling as Squall held a hand to his forehead in obvious annoyance, "White is the presense of all colors. Really, Leonhart, don't you pay attention in art?"

"No." he affirmed, fingers tracing the scar on his brow, "Cyan, then. Dark cyan."

"What the fuck is cyan?"

Squall didn't say anything; the answer came from Lenne. "It's kind of an aquamarine, only greener," Seifer gave her a blank look.

"Oh…uhm…" She searched the room, eyes coming back to rest on Seifer. "Oh!" She exclaimed happily, "like your eyes. Exactly like your eyes."

Squall wondered which gods hated him, and why. 

Luckily, before his rival could comment, a small timer went off, and Lenne stood up.

"Well," She shuffled through her desk, pulling out the notebook and handing it to Squall, who looked at it as if it were a dead rodent.

"It's for you," Lenne told him, pushing it into his hands, "To organize your thoughts, and write something down if you need to express emotion. It should help. And some of the notes I took are in there; mostly about you, so they shouldn't really surprise you." His fingers closed uncertainly around the spiral as Lenne pushed them both out of the room.

"Well, I'll always be here if you need me, but try not to come back for a few days at least," She joked. Seifer smiled and waved as he walked out the door, and Squall just stared at her incredulously before turning to catch up.

When they were a safe distance away, Squall opened the notebook, reading the notes from their session. 

Seifer stopped walking when he heard a strange gurgling sound from Squall, frowning with worry.

"What is it?" he asked, and Squall shook his head, snapping the book shut, his eyes wide in a pale face.

"Nothing," he muttered, before starting forward again.

Seifer didn't believe him.

**End Chapter 5**

[1] I can't help it. Lenne was just _cool. _

[2] I am such a cornball _ (Shuyin! Lenne! NOOO!)

Argh. Up since about 1 or 2 am typing that beast, and it is 10:14. That's, what? Eight hours? I really have to go work on my art project.

Read? Review!


	6. Love is Just a Blood Sport

See first chapter for details.

Yes, I do have what the counselor was writing on my computer. I'm going to try to work it into the story, but if I can't I'll just post it as a separate chapter. School starts up soon, so chapters after this may be a bit slower.

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**A Fate Worse Than Death**

**Chapter 6**

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3rd Person:

            The notebook lay on the table, light reflected in a dull shine across its black surface. It was closed; had been ever since the first time Squall looked at it, choking in disbelief at the neat handwriting inside.

            _'The two seem attracted to each other…'_

He could still see the page in his mind, and of all the notes, that one stuck with him, despite the absurd or disturbing natures of the rest. 

            _Attracted? To Seifer? He glanced to his left, where said man watched him from under half-lidded eyes from his place on the couch. Squall shifted anxiously, gaze drawn back to the harmless little book, confusion hidden beneath its thin black cover. _

            '_Squall displays extreme anxiety when being touched, but Seifer is able to calm him, more evidence against claims of antagonistic rivalry.'_

Squall frowned. _No, his hand came up to his forehead, a reflection of uncertainty. Seifer leaned forward, almost as if to touch him, and then paused. With a sigh, he returned to his original position._

            _…No…that's wrong. We are__ rivals. We hate each other. The brunette dropped his hand to the table, staring at old wounds covered by black gloves._

_She was wrong. Seifer hates me, just as I hate him. That, _his fingers curled, remembering soft circles and gentile tugs, _was a fluke. Nothing more. _He could still feel the hands, though, and the pleasure never before brought by touch. His palms were still in ecstasy, kept only from melting by thick leather and binding scars.

_Just a fluke. _

But his fingers weren't so sure.

Squall sighed. With slow determination, he reached for the darkness, pulling it into his lap and turning back the cover. He read, and re-read the words; all of them, and then turned to a blank page.

"Finally," Seifer remarked, and then he yawned, "All this watching is making me tired. I'm going to sleep," Squall didn't say anything, only watched him with emotionless gunmetal eyes.

"Wake me up when you're done," and then he stretched out on the couch, hands behind his head and face to the ceiling as he closed his eyes, breath slowing until it was only a distant sound in Squall's ears.

He stared at the blonde man for a few seconds, and then nodded in acknowledgement of the request, more out of courtesy than any real need.

Another sigh, and he pulled the pencil from the silver coils, staring at the blank page and wondering what he was supposed to write.

Squall:

            I don't think I did anything for several hours. I had wanted to, honestly, but the words wouldn't come, and I decided instead to savor the unusual silence. It lasted a little longer than I expected it to.

            It was when I almost drifted off that I realized I should probably start doing something, so I placed the notebook on the small coffee table, staring at the crisp white sheet and wondering how this was supposed to help me accomplish something that, in all honesty, I wasn't even sure I wanted to accomplish. 

            _Oh, well I decided, and did the first thing that came to mind. I drew._

            It wasn't anything in particular, just boxes and random shapes that grew in silver lines across the page, until I was able to make out words among their ensnared forms.

            _My name is Squall Leonhart, they told me, voices like soft scratchings and hisses, __I am 5'8", with brown hair and blue-grey eyes. I am a SeeD; my weapon is a gunblade, a Revolver. My best friend is my Guardian Force, Shiva, the Ice Queen, but she won't talk to me right now,_

Squall paused, threw himself against the barrier again, but it still held. In the distance he saw ice glimmering, calling to him with a voice he was unable to answer.

            _She says I rely on her too much, so she left me alone with an asshole called Seifer Almasy. _

The silver lines stopped growing, and he re-read what they had just written. The brunette frowned, _that wasn't right, and a few of the marks disappeared. He brushed off the page, and continued reading._

            _…so she left me alone with Seifer Almasy. I'm stuck with him for three months, because he messed up a Doom spell and our auras mixed and now I can't go further than five feet away from him. That's why I got this notebook; to write in. I don't like talking, and they said it would help. I really doubt it, but I'm going to do this anyway, just in case. _

Fingers ran through silver-brown hair, Squall stared down at the page, then glanced at Seifer, and looked back at the notebook.

            _I don't usually like people. They make me uncomfortable, and won't leave me alone. They always want to touch me. I really wish I were just invisible, or didn't exist; that people would just let me talk to Shiva and deal with the fact that I don't care about them. But they won't._

The page turned, and the silver shapes started anew.

            _I usually just ignore people. Eventually they get the hint, and leave me alone, and if I'm lucky they don't talk to me again, and avoid me. If I'm not, they insult me and try to fight me, but even those give up and go away._

_            I only have a few people who are nice to me and talk to me even though I want them to go away. I guess you'd call them friends. Sometimes it's nice, so I'll talk to them, and they usually smile. They seem to think it makes them special, that I like them. They never realize that it was they own determination that made it that way. I guess I feel bad or something if I ignore the people that are nice to me for no reason._

_            There are four of them._

_            First is Quistis Trepe. She is an instructor, so I sort of have to talk to her. She is the youngest one in a long time, and she is pretty serious and very determined, but kind of insecure. I think she has a crush on me, is convinced that this is all some weird act to hide something great. But it's not. I don't know how to get her to realize that. She is blonde, and really pretty. She should go for someone else and quit wasting her time on me._

_            Zell is next. He was my roommate before this whole…thing. He makes me laugh sometimes, even though I don't really want to; it just encourages people. He is really hyper, and is a martial artist. It's interesting dueling him, because he somehow dodges lightning. Sometimes it seems like the lightening doesn't want to hit him. He won't tell me how he does it, but I've never asked, so that may be it. _

_            Selphie Tilmitt is like a female Zell, but with brown hair and green eyes, instead of blonde and blue. She never shuts up, and completely ignores the fact that I ignore her, but she is almost fun to be around sometimes, unless she decides I've been quiet too long and hits me with her nunchaku._

_            Seifer Almasy is last. The reason I'm having to write in this. He is usually an all-around asshole, and I pretty much hate him for getting me into this. He never leaves me alone, and it usually results in a fist fight. He is sleeping on the couch._

_            The psychiatrist thinks we're attracted to each other. I don't know why. I didn't like her, so I didn't say a whole lot, and I'm pretty sure Seifer just flirted, because he's a pervert. I can't hate him, though. It only lasts a few minutes whenever I try, and I think it is because Shiva said I need him, and she is usually right. I guess that's why I haven't gone insane with her absence, because I suppose I deserve it. She should come back as soon as I realize what I did, though if I lose patience she'll come back anyway, but then I feel bad because she almost seems hurt. I hate that she makes me feel._

_            I also hate that I think she is usually right, because that means that I need Seifer. I don't want to need anyone. As soon as I do, they leave. I don't remember much of my family, but Shiva once told me that she saw a man and a woman in my long forgotten memories, but that their image was blurred. _

_            That meant I was crying. That mean they were leaving. _

_            Then there was Matron. She was like my mother, only she didn't leave. I did, and she let me go, which was just as bad. _

_And then there was Sis. She was the last person I bothered to love, until she left, too. That was the last time I cried, standing on the porch, in the rain, telling her shadow that I would be strong. _

_I haven't cried since then, not really. When I get really upset, I'll start to feel tears, but I won't let them come. I'm done with crying, just like I'm done with love; done with people leaving me as soon as they realize I'm not worth it. Better to just not talk, not make friends, not love, and not get left alone to wonder if maybe I didn't love them enough in return._

_Yet I need Seifer. Shiva said he'll never leave, but that's impossible; isn't it? Everyone leaves, eventually._

_Maybe she meant something else. I sort of hope so, because it might be nice to love, to be loved, and not have it fall apart when I screw up. _

_Though I don't see how that applies to Seifer. He certainly doesn't love me, and I don't love him._

_But still. Maybe if someone loved me, I could stand to be touched._

_Maybe… if I loved someone, I could be worth it._

The words kept going after that, flooding silver across the page, but Squall didn't read them.[1]  He was too preoccupied with the previous words to be interested in the rest, so he politely waited for them to finish before dropping the pencil and closing the notebook with a decisive _snap that woke Seifer up._

"Done?" he asked sleepily, stretching towards the ceiling with a small riot of popping joints. Squall stared at him; hands clamped around the book, and watched the shirt ride up to reveal golden skin over rippling muscles.

_I'm straight_, he reminded himself, but his eyes were unconvinced, and it was only after Seifer stared at him for a few seconds that he looked away. Squall stood up.

"Take that as a yes," Seifer's smiled. Scowling, the brunette jerked his head towards the bathroom, and his rival laughed, nodding.

"All right, and after that we're gonna go do something. I'm bored out of my skull here." He followed Squall to the bathroom, leaning against the wall as the brunette went inside.

Seifer:

            I hadn't actually fallen asleep until Squall started writing, lulled by the soft scratching sound. For the first hour or so I just watched him, trying to not to smile as he attempted to stare down the notebook. 

            I could tell he was reading whatever Lenne had written, and I felt the familiar whisper of curiosity, followed by the urge to get up and read over his shoulder. 

            I knew that as soon as I stood up, however, Squall would shut the notebook and never look at it again, so I waited. 

            It was still on the table in the living room. I could see it; dull black cover pulling irresistibly at my eyes, but I couldn't go. To do so would result in the possible death of the Ice Prince, so I just sighed and waited for a time when he would fall asleep within easy reach of the little book.

            The sound of running water came through the door, and it clicked open to reveal Squall, looking pissed off at nothing in particular as usual. He turned, looked at me, and crossed his arms, asking what it was I expected him to follow me around for. 

            I didn't answer him immediately, and he didn't rush me, though I think it was more out of an unwillingness to talk than anything else. I looked at him a moment, taking in the leather and white fabric and frustrating belts, the combat boots and silver necklace with a lion head and almost too-long silver-brown locks.

            "Don't you ever cut your hair?" So much for being nice. Squall didn't glare, though, only shrugged.

            "Just when it starts to get in the way," he said, and I blinked. That was the first time I'd ever heard _anyone_ take such a careless attitude with their hair. That's probably why I liked Squall; it meant less time with him obsessing over his looks, less compliments I would have to pay, and we could both focus on me.

            _Not that I ever planned on being in the sort of relationship where we'd get into that. I was just __saying._

            "With what? Craft scissors?" I really had to start paying attention to what I was saying. My luck was amazing, though, and Squall just sighed and shifted his weight, apparently bored with the conversation. He never _did _strike me as the type of person who cared what he looks like. 

            "I usually just use a knife or something. It's not like it matters. Can we go now?" I chose not to comment on that, knowing that my brain would probably implode if I thought about cutting hair with a knife for too long. A fucking _knife_. Jesus. I wonder what would happen if he actually cared about his looks.

            …

            I'd probably jump him as soon as I saw him. He was just about the sexiest person, besides myself, I'd ever seen. I supposed his uncaring attitude towards his appearance was nature's way of keeping him safe from sexual molestation.

            I couldn't help but wonder what he'd look like if he put on eyeliner, maybe a little lip gloss, and I was pretty sure he'd look awesome in a collar or something, and a mesh shirt. Tight pants, too…_really_ tight pants…and…

Holy fuck…I _had to stop thinking about that. Had to stop thinking about Leonhart tied up on the bed, moaning my name and looking at me with stormy, lust-filled eyes; his pale skin glowing on dark silk…_

"…nnngh!" I whimpered, hands clutching at the empty air between me and Squall. As soon as I moved he took a hasty step back, eyes narrowed as he looked me up and down.

"Are you okay?" he asked doubtfully, and I cleared my throat, running a hand through my hair and turning quickly for the door.

"Fine," I assured him, my voice a little higher than usual, "Let's go to the Training Center." I heard the squeak of leather as she shrugged, and began to follow me out the door, stopping to stuff the notebook under one arm.

I didn't think I could last much longer without sex.

~*~*~

3rd Person:

            Footsteps were heavy with added weight, metal clashing with an inhuman scream as silver descended on armored skin, and with a blinding flash the air caught fire.

Red clouds of blood and gunpowder blooming like poison flowers, only to disappear in seconds, and the monster collapsed as Squall smiled. 

"Hyne, Leonhart." The voice was breathless; heaving behind him, and an uneven stride was detectable in the thud of Seifer's boots. He bent double, staring at the glazed eyes of the T-Rexaur in amazement.

"Never thought I'd see someone take down one of these monsters single-handed, without even using a GF." He almost clapped a hand on the brunette's back, then reconsidered.

"And you not even a SeeD yet," 

Squall just shrugged.

"You said I couldn't." 

"I'd _meant it. That wasn't a challenge."_

"Oh…well, I can." There was no pride in his voice, no ego or boasting; only a simple statement of fact. Seifer wondered how he did it.

"No shit," he commented, "now come on. We can't have killed all the Grats yet." 

They'd been battling for the better part of an hour, and had the singed scenery and stiff muscles to prove it. At first, Seifer had used Ifrit, but after seeing Squall's complete refusal to summon Shiva, he'd taken it as a challenge. It hadn't slowed them down a bit. 

Even with their limited mobility due to the spell, Grat intestines still littered the ground, along with a few chunks of a strange hybrid that neither of the men had been able to identify the second half of.

The T-Rexaur had smashed through the foliage while they were cleaning off their gunblades; Squall had immediately stood up to face it.

"Nuh-uh," Seifer had said, "You can't beat this one," and so Squall set out to prove him wrong.

It had taken almost an hour, what with Seifer hovering nervously a few feet behind him, unable to help due to his rival's vehement promises of death. Squall wouldn't even let him cast cure, insisting on doing everything himself, and Seifer just hoped he be able to drag the body away in time to save him.

As it turned out, the worry was over nothing. Alternating between blizzard and cure spells, along with the occasional limit break, the T-Rexaur had fallen, causing Seifer to vow never to piss Squall off again.

Which he promptly broke.

Squall had taken a seat next to the most recent carcass, exhaustion beginning to show in the lines of his body. His Revolver lay across his lap, blood and green slime starting to work their way into the intricate designs on the flat of the blade, and the brunette was cleaning it off with a small towel he carried with him for this purpose. 

In front of him, Seifer was leaning on Hyperion, eyes drawn to silhouettes in the Secret Area, and not for the first time he missed associating with people other than the Ice Prince; if that could even be called talking.

"C'mon, Squally," the other didn't appear to hear him, hands working furiously at the blade, "Let's go to the Secret Area. There seems to be a party or something." His companion shifted, glancing up at him through a curtain of his bangs.

"All the more reason to avoid it."

"Oh, come on. This might be my only chance at a relatively normal life for _three months._"

"I'm not going."

"Yes you are."

"No."

"Listen," Seifer told him, "you don't exactly have a choice. It's pretty much follow or die."

Squall's eyes narrowed. _Pretty much die or die. And I'd rather be alone for my death. But he didn't tell that to Seifer. Instead, he sighed, swung Revolver over his shoulder, and gave his rival the coldest glare possible without the aid of Shiva, to which the blonde only grinned._

Given the Training Center's size, it was only a few seconds walk, and then they stepped blinking into the neon lights. Seifer smiled, and Squall automatically stepped closer to him, eyeing the many occupants warily. He hated crowds, even relatively quiet ones such as these, kept so by strict after-hours rules.

"Hey! It's Almasy! Where you been, man?" The speaker was a short teen with black hair, though he was still taller than Squall, and from the expression on his face, Seifer was a bit more than 'just a friend'.

"Nida,"[2] the usual smirk was back in place, and the blonde swung a companionable arm over the newcomer, bringing an unconscious scowl to the other gunblade specialist's lips.

"New boyfriend?" an unusually well-groomed eyebrow was raised, looking Squall over, and eyes lingered on his hips; partially obscured by no less than three belts. The brunette squirmed, beginning to _really_ wish he'd been knocked out by the Rexaur.

Seifer just laughed.

"Leonhart? No way! He's just in love with me; follows me everywhere." The man called Nida sneered.

"_The Squall Leonhart, huh? I've heard a lot about you. Supposedly some wonder boy; winning over the Ice Queen and breaking a few hearts along the way. People call you Ice Prince," He leaned forward, far too close for Squall, who immediately took a step back; scowl deepening as he once again fought the barrier in his mind. To no avail._

"But _I just call you way out of your league." He was pulled back by his collar when the brunette just rolled his eyes, and Seifer captured his lips in a kiss that made Squall look away. He hated public displays of affection._

"Jealous, much?" The blonde's voice was low, but his rival still caught the words directed at Nida.

"Hey, I may not be your boyfriend, but I can still eliminate the competition," came the whispered reply, and Squall, already bored and no little uncomfortable, sat against a wall a few feet away, glaring at his knees and trying the barrier again.

Seifer glanced at him, led Nida to the couch next to Squall, and sat him down with a great show of chivalry. The other man giggled, and the brunette on the floor rolled his eyes.

Squall: 

            This was very definitely the _last_ place I wanted to be, with the possible exception of a drunken rave. Shiva, for whatever reason, still wouldn't let me in, and I knew that I was going slowly insane, driven by stares and whispers and the giggles on the couch beside me. 

            Something sat heavily against my ribcage, and I suddenly remembered the notebook. _It couldn't hurt. _

            I could feel the people drawing closer as I pulled it from my jacket, I could feel them gradually swirling closer, drawn by the arrival of Seifer and the curiosity as to why the _fuck_ I was here. I was certainly wondering that, myself. 

            Something hit my leg; a boot, the owner moving to sit on the couch too near to my head. I tried to shrink into the wall. 

            Someone else almost tripped over me, and I drew my feet up to my chest, pulling the pencil out of the coiled wire and beginning to write.

            Shadows were cast over the page, now, and I looked up into heavy hazel eyes. Something bumped into my exposed side; another girl, this one blonde, her eyes an empty blue. They giggled.

            "Hey, you're cute," another laugh, and the silver spread on the page. "What'cha writing?"

            _Nothing.__ Go away. I shifted away from the weight at my side, too close to the man on the couch. Stone met my back; nowhere to go. My skin burned, itched._

            A frown on red lips.

            "Hey, I was talking to you." Another giggle. _Go away. A blonde head on my shoulder, and the limb heaved, but it didn't move. Blue eyes gazed up at me with false shyness. Stone at my back; nowhere to go. _Go away.__

            Something touched my knee, then. A hand, painted red with blood. My eyes widened, my flesh burned, froze; writhing like a wild animal under my skin. _Go away. I hoped the stone would give. Trapped. I was always trapped, by golden bars and wide blue eyes that glared at me, ate at my soul; advanced like wolves and pressed me into a solid weight on my right, stone at my back._

            "C'mon, let me look!" fangs flashed behind bloody lips, poison eyes looming close. Stone pushed at my back, at my sides. _Go away, _the silver told me, spread across the page. My breath suddenly caught, and I looked up at Seifer, who frowned at me from three feet away. 

            I couldn't breathe; there was only blue and gold and bloody nails. I shrunk back. _Disappear. Please Disappear._ Hands on my shoulders, knees. The barrier held. I screamed in my head.

            _Go away! Go away, go away, go away go away go away go away goaway goaway goawaygoawaygoawaygoawaygoawa-_

Something snapped. The silver lines stopped growing, stopped trying to keep me from insanity and breath that wouldn't reach my lungs even from three feet away, from blood and gold and poison eyes and weights on all sides that crushed me, pulling at Squall and something snapped. 

The pencil had broken. 

Everything went quiet then, but for my lungs failed attempts at breath and the erratic beating of my heart. For one moment there was blissful silence, and then the notebook disappeared along with my sanity, replaced by a mocking voice.

"Oh! What's this? The Ice Prince has a _diary_!" Nida. The book was gone, but words still screamed inside my head, demanding to be released by a broken pencil and paper that wasn't there anymore. 

Gasps from beside me, giggles and weight on my shoulder as blue eyes moved closer. The words pounded in my skull, flashing red across my vision, but I had no where to put them. But then poison eyes were gone, drawn by the voice that read my past and thoughts like a fairy tale. Though there would be no happy ending. I saw it in the letters that pounded in my mind, written in red ink across the barrier and crimson flames across my sight.

"Oh, _dear," The voice hissed and the words built into a storm, raging wildly inside until I saw only them, heard only them, and I had to let them out. Had to set them free._

Golden bars were gone, then, left behind with bloody lips and burning skin and my erratic breath and the beat of my heart. 

I couldn't breathe at all, now, and my heart was steady, pounding like funeral drums in my ears, or was that someone screaming?

I was past caring. Past seeing. Past feeling and thinking and the need for anything but to set the words free. It only took me a second to figure out what my legs already knew; what they were leading me to, and I let them take over, memory guiding where clouded eyes could not.

Then something was grabbing at me; pulling me down into the floor and I fought it with everything I had, my mind screaming with words that couldn't escape and I felt it fall back, and I was free to run again. The world spun, and my darkened vision went black, but my legs didn't care. They ran on, driven by an all-too-familiar madness, and I felt my skin burning again, disintegrating to ash and falling from my bones. 

Muscles surged angrily, defying the ghosts of blue and poison eyes and my breath deserted me, left behind with the Rexaur who stared at me with a hungry grin and empty sight, haunting me from behind the barrier that remained in my mind. Silver lines replaced red, and my memory grew fractured, splitting into a thousand shattered pieces that rang in mocking laughter of a stranger known as Squall.

Fingers moved in front of my blind eyes, and green flashed angrily at me as a great mouth opened, but I was beyond caring. All I could see were the words, swirling and twisting and contorting on the inside of my skull, and very dimly I was aware of something blue and distantly familiar, crying diamond tears and calling to me, begging me not to.

But all that mattered were the words, and the storm inside my mind, and silver lines turning red.

Seifer:

            I knew it was a bad idea as soon as Nida looked at him. I'd never really liked the bastard, but he was a good lay, and I was desperate. Maybe I was trying to make Leonhart jealous, too, just a little.

            It had very dimly occurred to me that I should leave as soon as Squall looked up at me from his place on the ground, eyes pleading for something he had every right to receive. I ignored him, turned back to Nida in my lap and my other 'friends', and told myself that he'd be fine. I didn't look at him again, until heard something snap and mistook it for his sanity. 

            Turned out, it was just the pencil he had been writing with, but from the look on his face, it might as well have been his reason for living. Then Nida, following my gaze, narrowed his eyes, but before I could stop him the little book was in his grasp, and he grinned.

            "Oh! What's this? The Ice Prince has a _diary_!" hidden cruelty beneath his words, and he flipped back the black cover, eyes widening dramatically. 

            "_Apparently our dear Lion is," He paused, gasped, and fluttered his eyelashes, drawing an even bigger crowd and eliciting a few giggles._

            "Oh, _dear," he finished, his voice shocked, and out of the corner of my eye I saw Squall stand up. _

I immediately knew what he was going to do, and stood up, tumbling Nida to the floor, grabbing the book from his hands as Squall suddenly bolted. Cold rage flooded over me as I glared down at the black-haired teen, but any words I would have said were cut off by the familiar choking sound as Leonhart reached the limit, and I rushed after him.

I was surprised when he kept running, though, ignoring his obvious inability to breathe, legs moving mechanically with a speed I was pressed to match.

"Squall!" my voice tore from my throat as I heaved for air, but he ignored me, didn't even slow down as he ran on, oblivious to anything in his path.

"_Squall!" More frantic now, and my legs were failing me, but if anything _he_ sped up. Something was very, very wrong. _

I could hear him choking on his own breath, and he began to weave, tripping over his own feet as he ran. Reaching out my arm, I was barely able to reach him, and in a desperate move, I jumped.

My arms clamped around his waist, but not for long. His gloves latched onto my fingers, tearing at them with frantic fury, and I looked up into his face an immediately let go in shock.

He was crying, but there was something wrong with his eyes. They were wide, his pupils dilated so much that it was almost as if he had no iris; only a thin rim of stormy blue-grey, and I could swear that I saw red letters in their depths.

"_SQUALL!" I pushed myself up from the floor, muscles screaming as I attempted to catch him. Footsteps thudded heavy on the ground, and his breathing was erratic; the only thing that drove him was madness._

Then suddenly our door was in sight, and even in his state he managed to open it, rushing inside. I made it through just before the sliding panel closed, slamming straight into the coffee table as Squall ran into the bathroom.

The door was locked when I reached it.

"Squall?" I fought to keep my voice low, calm, "Squall, open the door."

No answer.

"C'mon man, open up. It's me, Seifer,"

Nothing.

"Listen, I'm sorry. I don't know what's wrong, but I know it's my fault, and I'm sorry." 

Panic.

            "_Squall!_" My voice cracked. I pounded on the door, and to my great surprise; it shattered.

            I immediately felt sick, closed my eyes and wished this wasn't happening. Blood coated the usually white tile, lying in puddles that seemed to gather primarily around a small plastic grey container, open and empty on the floor.

            "Squall," I whispered helplessly, not wanting to look up. But I had to. Had to help him.

            Only, he wasn't there.

            Shiva stood amidst the blood, diamonds glittering on her cheeks.

            _Tears, I realized, and she looked at me._

            "Oh, my poor Little Lion. What have you done? What have _I done?" frost curled in silver vines around her feet, and she looked at me with ice-blue eyes. The room suddenly got very cold, but I didn't care. Didn't care about anything but Squall._

            Diamonds sparkled as they fell to the floor.

            "Why?" She asked me, and in that moment I wished I'd never been born, "he had almost…he was..." I wanted to throw up.

            _'Had'? 'Was'? _

            "Is he…?" Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck fuck fuck. I started crying when she shook her head slowly, a weak smile on blue lips.

            "No," her voice was like wind chimes, frozen in winter, "I made him summon me, but I am fading fast. He will…when…" 

            Diamonds winked at me from within puddles of blood, and Shiva took a deep breath.

            "He will appear when I leave, and you must stop him quickly. Already so much as been lost…" Her gaze was sharp as she looked at me, freezing to the bone. 

            "He must not lose you, too." I wondered briefly what she meant, before remembering the situation, and tried to blink back tears.

"Be ready, it will happen soon." She flickered.

"Cast as many Cures as you can," She told me, "right…_now._" I released the surge of energy, just as she disappeared, to be replaced by a small black body splattered in red, looking up at me with empty blue eyes and an utterly lost expression.

When the spells hit him, Squall dropped a small silver object that bounced once on the blood-washed floor, and his arms, covered in fresh wounds, began to heal.

I managed to catch him just as he collapsed.

**End Chapter 6**

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[1]Don't ask me how he managed to do that. I'm not too sure, myself. 

[2] Yes. Really. I'm short on characters, here. But watch out! He's a bitch!

Yay! And now the updates might be a bit slower, but I really want to write the next chapter, so maybe not. 

Squall is fun to write when he's insane! But I kinda feel bad for him.

I apologize in advance for typos- I'm too tired to fix them at the moment.

Read? 

Review!


	7. Sing to Me

See first chapter for details.

**It is important to read Author's notes. They just might include tomorrow's winning lottery numbers. You never know, you know?**

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There's _almost_ yaoi in here! Finally. Oh, and in the last chapter, when Seifer said 'Jesus', change that to 'Hyne'. Whoops! ^_^;;

Ok, and now it is time for: 'A Fate Worse Than Death: The Musical!'. 

Haha. Actually, Seifer sings! I couldn't help it, I have to torture him. Besides, I needed the obligatory 'songfic chapter.' So just ignore it if it bugs you. Also, strange as it may seem, the song is Squall's point of view. Not Seifer's. Just read the lyrics, and you'll see.

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**A Fate Worse Than Death**

**Chapter 7**

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Seifer:

            I ran.

            I ran like I never had before; like Cerberus, the hound of hell, was on my heels, and my only hope for salvation lay in pounding feet and heaving breath.

            Squall was limp in my arms, blood flowing sluggishly from half-healed wounds, leaving an erratic red trail behind us. I clutched at him desperately as I rounded another corner, barely avoiding a head-on collision with a group of girls.

            No time for smiling and flirting. There would never again be time for that, not after _this, this trail of crimson spots that was all my fault. Just a few more steps…three more…and I was in the infirmary. _

            At her desk, Dr. Kadowaki shot out of her seat in surprise, eyes widening in horror as she rushed over to take Squall from my arms, Curaga flowering brightly on too-pale skin. 

            I was lost then, following the small red-and black body around hopelessly. I wasn't really sure what was going on; I was only aware of more people, sheets of bandage, and the anxiety that Squall would be mad at me for letting so many people near him.

            He was in a hospital bed, rolled up jacket taken off amid the chaos to be replaced by long white sleeves that turned slowly red. Spells exploded brightly before my eyes from my place beside the small bed, and all I could do was try to not clutch Squall's hand too tightly and hope that there would be a tomorrow.

            The next thing I knew, Dr. Kadowaki was tapping me on the shoulder, telling me that he was stabilized but that please, she had to talk to me. I nodded dumbly, swallowing what felt like sand as she pulled up a chair, glancing occasionally at the figure on the bed.

            "Why?"

            The second time I had been asked that in less than fifteen minutes, and I took a shuddering breath, trying to think of everything but death.

            "My fault," I wouldn't cry. That would make it real, "I didn't listen, took him to see…" anger at myself, and others, "my _friends_." The word was bitter, poison on my tongue. I _had_ no friends. There was only Squall.

            "He…something was wrong…people were surrounding him, coming to see me, but so close to him. Two girls had him pressed against a wall. I think they thought he was just shy." There. Now came the hard part.

            "He was writing…I think that was keeping him relatively calm. Writing so much…but then his pencil broke." Wet laughter, hopeless and empty.

            "I thought it was his sanity." Dr. Kadowaki only nodded, glancing at Squall with tears in her eyes. _Don't cry. That makes it real._

            "But…it was the pencil. A-and…and then Nida grabbed the notebook, and started _reading…" Don't cry. __Don't cry. Deep breath. _Seifer Almasy does not cry.__

            "Squall ran. I called to him, but he didn't answer; just kept running. Ignored the fact that he was outside the limit, and couldn't breathe. I caught him once, and he was…" Mad. Insane. Wild with fear and empty eyes.

            "Not himself." 

            "Then he went inside, and I broke down the door, and cast Cure, and now…" I looked at the bed. 

_Hello, my name is Seifer Almasy. I killed the person I loved._

"I'm not going to say this isn't your fault," I didn't blame her. It was obvious…obvious to anyone with eyes.

            "But Squall…well…he made it easier, for this to happen. I'm going to go file this, just stay here with him. Ress should be in to change the bandages in a moment." She paused in the doorway.

            "I gave him something to help him calm down and sleep, so don't worry if he acts a bit…out of it if he wakes up." And then she left.

            I only nodded, staring helplessly at my friend, and trying not to clutch his hand too tightly. I took a deep breath, closed my eyes, and let it out. My head fell forward to rest on cool sheets as the door opened again.

            It was a redhead, short and nondescript, looking no little unsurprised.

            "Leonhart again, huh?" I nodded weakly. It was so soon after the duel, only four days.

            "That makes four times, now. I guess he really wants to die." So impersonal as he pulled a small cart through the entryway. 

I hated him immediately, and then my heart stopped.

            "'Four times, now'?" I asked him, "What do you mean?" I didn't really want to hear the answer. The redhead called Ress just shrugged.

            "Fourth time he's been in here after a suicide attempt. I'm kind of astonished he's lived through them all. Dr. Kadowaki doesn't seem to want to let him go, though, even if _he_ wants her to." A long strip of bandage pulled off of a roll.

            "Seems pretty fucked up, to me."

            "Get out." The words tore out of my throat before I knew what I was saying, and the boy just stared at me incredulously.

            "I have to change the bandages," He said slowly, as if I were a child. I had no time for him.

            "I'll do it. Get out." 

            "But-"

            "_Out._" The boy shrugged, turned for the door.

            "I'll go get Dr. Kadowaki," he told me, but I was already at the cart, pulling out bandage, clips, water and clean towels and antiseptic.

            "_Whatever. Get __out." The door closed behind him._

            I closed my eyes as I leant on the small metal cart, taking a deep breath. It was cool under my skin, sterile and white and shining clean, and I liked it. It had seemed so suffocating four days before, but not now. Now it promised healing and wholeness and blue-grey eyes that looked at me, instead of through.

            I wanted him to look at me again. 

            Bandage was soft and springy under my hands when I picked it up, carrying it to the bed along with everything else. I swallowed when I saw the mottled red-brown color that spotted Squall's current bandages. 

            "Okay," I told him, knowing he probably couldn't hear, but feeling better anyway, "I'm gonna change the bandage, now. I'm sorry if it hurts." 

            He was so quiet. Quieter than usual. All I could hear was soft breathing and the distant murmur of machine in the background. Everything but Squall was white.

            The bandages went entirely up his arm, disappearing into the blood-spotted cotton of his white shirt, and I very slowly began to undo them, taking care to memorize how they were wrapped, and trying very hard not to squeeze his arm as I hissed in sympathy. 

            The self-inflicted cuts were deep; very deep, and smeared with old blood. They were jagged and irregular, twining maliciously from shoulder to wrist on his left arm. I gazed unhappily at them for a moment placing the old bandages in the disposal and dipping the towel in a small bowl of water. 

            It was cool on my skin, making the fabric cling to my fingers, and I gently began to run it over Squall's wounds. Then I stopped.

            "What…?" it was soft; I barely realized I'd said it as I leaned forward, dabbing at the rust-red of dried blood. 

            Words were carved into the smooth alabaster of his skin; red words, written with a razor.

            I felt sick as I read them.

            _Go away stone behind go away go away nothing go away go why gold bars away go away for poison eyes run go away go away go away leave me alone_

The words were everywhere, on front and back, and small; rushing angrily in crimson lines as they curled around him. I bit my lip.

            _I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I didn't have time to hate myself, though. Squall needed to be taken care of, and I was going to do it. I ignored the words as I cleaned off his arm, water in the bowl turning red even as skin returned to white. Then I coated the wounds in antiseptic, smoothing my fingers gently over his shattered flesh before re-wrapping the arm and carefully fastening the bandage. I sighed, put everything back into the cart as I'd found it, and pushed it lightly towards the door, before walking back to Squall._

            I stood over him for a moment, before sitting and very timidly taking the limp him in mine, fingers threading through his before I leaned forward, brushing the ragged bangs back from his forehead. 

            The skin was soft, unwrinkled by a frown as I pressed my lips to his brow. Something stirred, and I felt eyelashes flutter against my chin. I couldn't help but smirk.

            _Just like sleeping beauty, but I didn't move, only stayed in place and smiled as I felt his fingers tighten around mine._

            "What are you doing?" He winced when he tried to adjust his arm, and then froze as if remembering. I ran a hand through silky silver-brown hair.

            "Nothing," A short silence before he made a soft 'mmm' sound. I moved my lips from his forehead, then, to rest it on the pillow beside him. _Don't cry, Seifer._

"I'm sorry," I whispered into the whiteness, "I'm so sorry," fingers tightened further around my own.

            "What for?" The pillow shifted as he turned his head to look at me, uneven locks falling haphazardly into his eyes. I sat back up, pulling the chair closer and brushing the bangs from his face.

            "Everything," I told him softly, "Just…everything." He only looked confused at that, so I sighed and attempted a smile. 

            "Go back to sleep, Squall. I'll be here when you wake up." He nodded; closed his eyes. Fingers curled over my own.

            "And when you're sleeping. And when you're just dozing, and for about two and a half months after that," I added a few moments later. 

            Minutes passed; I watched him sleep.

            "And maybe forever, if you'll let me." 

            Suddenly he stirred, eyes opening slightly to reveal warm blue-grey. 

            Fuck. He wasn't supposed to hear me say that.

            If he _had, though, he certainly wasn't letting on. He just looked up at me for a moment, before turning so that his back faced me, nearly jerking me out of the chair as he took my hand with him. After a moment's deliberation, I stood up, pushed the chair away with my leg, and sat down on the edge of the bed next to his body. _

            "Sing to me?" Came the soft request, and I stared at the back of his head.

            "You act really weird when you're drugged up, Leonhart." I informed him, but he only looked up at me sleepily out of the corner of his eye.

            "Like Matron used to?" I bit my lip.

            "I really doubt that I-"

            "Please?"

            _I owed him this. I had__ to. I swallowed a whimper, wondering why he had to ask _that_._

            "All right, but don't laugh or anything. This is one of the _few things I'm not very good at. I'm only doing it because you're sick." Something that sounded suspiciously like a giggle, and then;_

            "I'm not sick. I tried to kill myself." I grimaced. I hadn't needed to be reminded.

            "Now sing." 

            I took a deep breath, cleared my throat, and sang the first thing that came to mind.

"_Catch your breath,  
hit the wall,  
scream out loud  
as you start to crawl  
back in your cage,  
the only place  
where they will  
leave you alone."_

My voice was harsh and scratchy; too low for normal song. I couldn't blame it, though. 'Sexy' and 'lullaby' just don't go well together, and my tongue's primary uses up to this point had been…a bit different. Regardless of that, Squall had asked me, looked up at me with big blue-grey eyes and squeezed my hand in his own bandaged one, and there was simply no question as to if I would do it or not. I took a breath and continued.

_"Cause the weak will seek the weaker till they've broken them,   
Could you get it back again?  
Would it be the same?  
Fulfillment to their lack of strength at your expense  
left you with no defense;   
they tore it down."_

I cleared my throat, and Squall turned back over on the pillow, pulling my arm more tightly into his grasp. I wondered if he would remember this at all in the morning, and whether I should remind him.

_"Locked inside  
the only place  
where you feel sheltered,  
where you feel safe.  
You lost yourself  
in your search to find  
something else to hide behind."_

I winced, not enjoying the mangled sound of my usually enviable voice. Squall didn't seem to mind, though, and his grip relaxed, breathing becoming slow and deep once more.

_  
"Cause the fearful always preyed upon your confidence;   
didn't they see the consequence?   
They pushed you around.  
The arrogant build kingdoms made of the different ones  
breaking them, till they've become  
just another crown."  
  
_

I only hoped no one would walk through the door right now, or my reputation would be ruined. 

…but screw reputations, this was slightly more important, and I could always rebuild it. It was pretty much impossible to ruin someone like _me_, anyway.

_  
"Refuse to feel  
anything at all,  
refuse to slip,  
refuse to fall.  
Can't be weak,  
can't stand still.  
Watch your back  
cause no one will."_

I could tell he was almost asleep, the hand in mine going lax beneath the bandages until I could barely feel fingertips on my skin. I sighed and tickled his palm, wondering when I had become so soft. 

_"You don't know why they had to go this far;   
traded your worth for these scars,   
for your only company.  
And don't believe the lies that they have told to you;   
not one word was true.  
You're alright._

_You're alright,   
you're alright."_

There. I was done.

3rd Person:

            Seifer didn't see Dr. Kadowaki standing behind him, eyes darting between the two boys as if trying to understand something. Trying not to make a sound, she had listened as he had sung the strange song to the half-asleep Squall, a small smile on her lips at his obvious unwillingness to sing.

            But he had anyway. All it had taken was a word and a look from the brunette, and Seifer Almasy, who as far as anyone knew had never taken an order in his life, had done something he knew he wasn't good at, humiliating himself for another person.

            Another person who just happened to be his rival, whom he hated. Or was supposed to hate.

            In the brief silence that occurred afterwards, Dr. Kadowaki made a decision, and pressed the small green button to her right. Clear glass slid open, accompanied by a soft mechanical whirr, and the small woman smiled when Seifer turned around.

            "How is he doing?" A moment's consideration, and then the usual smirk.

            "Leonhart won't let go of my hand." The blonde's usual manner was not lost on the doctor, nor was the abrupt change from worried hysterics to arrogant calm. Well, for whatever the reason, it was none of her business.

            "Ress said you kicked him out?" Dr. Kadowaki raised an eyebrow, and Seifer went politely pink.

            "He insulted my rival. Only I can insult my rival, it's like a _law or something. Or at least it will be as soon as I arrange the next DC meeting. It's like they think they can be me if they pick fights with Leonhart." He said, trying to ignore the fact that his arm was currently wrapped around said rival. _

            "It gets on my nerves. Plus Squally here is seriously screwed up, the last thing he needs is insults." Seifer seemed to realize he was rambling, and his eyebrows drew together.

            "Did you want something? Or did you just come here to gawk at him?" Dr. Kadowaki hid a smile.

            "Just came in to check up on him, but he seems to be alright. As alright as he can be, anyway. You seem to be doing a good enough job taking care of him." The blonde gave a superior shrug with his free arm [1], smiling.

            "Of course. I, after all, am only the best." 

            "Yes," The urge to mention his previous state of near-tears was overwhelming, but now was not the time for that, "Well, if anything changes, or if he comes to, call me. I need to try to talk to him about…this. Even if it is only a little, he needs to get whatever he was feeling out into the open, or this will happen again." _It might even happen again anyway, poor boy._

            Seifer seemed torn for a moment, before clearing his throat and giving the woman his best 'I don't care' look.

            "I'll do it." He informed her, "I am his roommate after all. I mean, I'm gonna hear it no matter what, because of this whole thing, and knowing Squall, he'll want as little people as possible to know about it." He tried not to look anxious as Dr. Kadowaki considered this.

            "Well…I suppose. I usually make a point of trying to help, but he did refuse last time, and what with the special situation, I guess it makes sense." She straightened.

            "Okay, Seifer, but you're going to have to _listen_ and not rush him. Don't make him feel like he has to answer, though you must find out what he was thinking. I don't know if he can survive this again." The blonde nodded, and then waved her out of the room, not moving from his rather precarious perch on the bed.

            "Don't worry, this is _me_ you're talking to, after all." The small woman couldn't help but grin.

            "_That's what I was worried about," She told him, and then opened door, stepping through it and walking a ways down the hall. She spun around just in time to see Seifer heave what seemed to be a sigh of relief before turning to the small brunette on the bed, free hand absently stroking the wild locks as he watched the sleeping teen carefully. _

            Dr. Kadowaki stood for a moment with a soft smile on her features, simply observing, before she turned, strolling back to her desk and feeling significantly more optimistic than she had in quite a while regarding the boy Squall Leonhart.

**End Chapter 7**

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[1] You know; that thing he always does in the game.

I was gonna write more, but this seemed a good place to stop. Next chapter should be up around this weekend, when I'll have more time to work on it. School really sucks.

Sly:

As for your question- I took the Squall from FF8 (who talked quite a bit, but was still a bit introspective and displayed minor characteristics of not liking to be touched), and the Leon from Kingdom Hearts (who would fall silent randomly and didn't really like or trust people), and combined them. Then I added myself to him, because I've got the same aversion to touch, and I get the same feeling whenever certain people touch me, and I don't really like people, and would usually just rather be by myself, and don't like parties much. So the Squall in my story is how I perceive him added to a more extreme version of me. Plus Shiva. Because I love the idea of Guardian Forces.

As for Seifer, I basically took everything I hated and tried to justify it, adding humor so that I could bear him.

I don't really like this chapter; something seems wrong with it, and I hope the next one is better. I'm thinking that I might end this in a chapter or three, and then write a sequel taking place a month later or so…something like that. And then maybe _another_ sequel after that. But who knows.

The lyrics belong to Lifehouse, by the way. I took out the chorus, though, because Seifer has most definitely _not felt the same. That bastard. ^_~_

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Review!


	8. Thin White Chains

See first chapter for details.

Sorry it took so long to update, I've been watching Gravitation. ^_^ 

**A Fate Worse Than Death**

Chapter 8 Squall: 

The barrier was gone. 

            I could see once again the glimmering ice, light reflected off of its surface like a beacon, like ten thousand diamonds and the ethereal call of heaven. 

            And for the first time in a long, long time, I hesitated. Warmth rested heavily against my side, so different from the cold. It, too, called to me with a voice of its own, a deep voice that echoed with song and stumbling incantations, but I ignored it for now. 

            Blue hands rested against the wall, and distorted by the ice, Shiva smiled.

            _I am so sorry, Little Lion._ Remorse. Regret. Sorrow. Was that all I caused? I frowned.

            _Why? This has nothing to do with you. This is…_ This is poison eyes and bloody lips. This is looming insanity and shattered thoughts. This is memory failing, and blind panic taking over. This is lack of control. 

            _This is _my_ fault. Not yours. _I told her; but she only shook her head sadly, diamonds glittering on her skin. 

            _I am a _Guardian_, _the Ice Queen insisted, _I guard. I guard you from everything that threatens; inside and out. It is true, that you must not rely on me so, but…_

Something shifted against my skin. Warmth pressed closer, and in spite of herself, Shiva smiled.

            _But not like that. I am sorry, my Lion. I did not see…_She sighed like frost across water, gentile and soft and almost undetectable.

            _I did not see the consequences. I thought that maybe this time it would be different. _Her speech was halting, and then she frowned.

            _But _why?_ Why is death the only answer? I do not understand. Others have already hurt you so much; must you hurt yourself as well?_ I could have laughed, would it not have convinced me I was insane. There would never be enough hurt from others, there would always be more pain, no matter what I did. I _hated_ people, hated them so much. My scars were not punishment, they were memories. They were escape from an existence I would rather be without, they were momentary freedom that lasted as long as it took for someone to find me. 

            But Shiva wouldn't understand. It was not within her to comprehend such a thing. I sighed.

            _It is too complicated._ It would only hurt her more, knowing that even she was not enough. Even in all her love, all of her beauty and wisdom, I still sought death. I still went into each battle with a distant hope that maybe it would be my last, I perhaps I would get to be invisible. Maybe I could finally leave loneliness behind, finally rid myself of the worry that everything I knew would fall apart. That was why I was one of Garden's best.

            _No._ Her voice was suddenly stern, and I was shaken out of my thoughts. I blinked. 

            _It is not too complicated. You are afraid. _ I scoffed. 

            _Afraid of what? Death? Pain? I don't fear such things. You should know that._ But she only shook her head.

            _You are afraid of loneliness. You are afraid of being left alone again, of feeling the void that love once filled. You are afraid that if someone gets too close, that if you _care_, they will only leave again. _

            "Squall?"

            Shiva's eyes flickered, watching something with my sight.

            _You are afraid of love. _

            _Am not._

            I mentally slapped myself after that. When had I become so childish? I had no reason to deny it; so what if she was right? I knew I feared loneliness, was afraid that if I loved again they would only leave me, like Sis and Matron and my parents and everyone else I had ever let get close to me. 

            The ice goddess smiled mysteriously, pulling pale fingers back from the wall as she began to disappear among forgotten memories.

            _He is calling you._

Seifer:

            I woke up hours later to find myself on the small bed with Squall, my left arm wrapped around his waist, covered in his own bandaged one.

            The bandages were different; new and clean and wrapped differently than I had done it.

            Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck fuck _fuck._ I would never live this down if that brat Ress told anyone. When had I fallen asleep, anyway? When had I climbed on the _bed_ with him? When had-

            Squall shifted slightly, moving closer to me and giving a soft sigh. I unconsciously tightened my grip.

            Waking up had never felt like this. Before it was just something I did before I got up, leaving whatever lucky person who had joined me behind, lest I experience the dreaded 'after-sex conversation'. But _this…_

            This was nice. 

            Or it was, until it got so cold that I huddled closer to Squall, until I realized he was the source of it. My teeth began to click, and I sat up, pulling my knees up to my chest before I realized what the sudden cold meant.

            "Squall?" His eyes fluttered open, looking at me blankly for a moment.

            "What are you _doing?" _ It would seem he was back to normal, sitting up next to me and pushing his bangs out of his face. I glared.

            "I'm freezing my _ass_ off, is what I'm doing. Can't you turn that thing off?" Grey blue looked at me incredulously.

            "Turn _what_ off?" It was a bit warmer, but not much. I'd forgotten how long this deep-freeze lasted.

            "The _cold_. Hyne, Leonhart, it's like Trabia in here!" He frowned, and I felt myself inch towards the warmth he was once more generating. 

            "No, I-" He noticed, and shifted backwards, watching me warily.

            "Don't touch me."

            "Then give me the blanket." Why the hell were these rooms so well insulated?

            "No." 

            "Look. It's fucking _cold_ in here, and it's your fault, so give me the blanket. It's not like I can just walk out of here, unless you really want to start choking."

            He just scowled, and didn't move. I sighed. I _hated_ it when people didn't listen to what I told them to do. It was _only_ because he was injured that I wasn't wiping that glare off of his face with a few well-placed punches.

            "Why are you in the bed in the first place?" 

            I'd forgotten about that. Great going, Almasy, even _you're_ going to have trouble getting out of this one. Better think fast.

            "I was worried about you." I was also very stupid. Why the _fuck_ did I say that? That was practically _sui-_

My eyes fell to the bandage, innocent and white on the arms that were crossed over his chest. Suicide. 

            Squall squirmed under my gaze, turning to stare at the wall. I expected cold again, but there was nothing. The room temperature stayed normal, and he stared at the wall, but I could see him watching me out of the corner of his eye. 

            Guilt.

            I hated that feeling. Now politeness dictated an apology, but for the first time, this wasn't about being polite. 

            "So-"

            "Don't." He surprised me out of my apology, and I looked up as he turned to face me, arms uncrossing to fall into his lap.

            "Don't apologize. Don't think this is your fault, that if only you had done something, maybe you wouldn't be here. Wouldn't be stuck feeling guilty because I tried to kill myself."

            Did he _really_ think that was what I was thinking? That I was annoyed that I had to be here? Did he really think I was that selfish? Hyne, what had I ever done to make him think…

            Oh, yeah.

            "That's not-" 

            "Because I don't want to make people regret!" He interrupted me again, "I don't want to be a burden. I hate depending on people, so don't apologize. This is my fault. Blame me." 

            What an idiot. 

            "Do you really think that is what I was thinking, Leonhart? I could care less about what I could being doing instead of this!"

            He frowned as he looked at me, confused.

            "I _was_ worried about you, and this is not completely your fault. I mean, okay, so you could be less of an antisocial ass, but that isn't the point. The point _is_ that it was also my fault. And I _am_ sorry," He opened his mouth, but I held up a hand, silencing him.

            "And there is nothing you could say to make me feel otherwise. I don't regret waiting here, I don't regret spending however-many hours in here, and I don't regret singing to you. All I regret," I pointed to the bandage, and Squall stared at me, "Is that."

            There. That wasn't so bad.

            "You sang to me?"

Oh, _fuck._ For the first time in my life I wanted to crawl into a hole somewhere. I resisted the urge to put my hands over my face and cry; instead I looked at the door and wished a T-Rexaur would burst through. Instead I got Dr. Kadowaki, but that was almost as good.

            "Good morning," She greeted us, giving me an odd look. Squall didn't say anything, only looked at me, his face unreadable. I slid off of the edge of the bed, booted feet hitting the clean white tile with a small click, and waited.

            "I ran some tests while you were sleeping," I'm pretty sure I winced, "and well…they seem to be healing fine." She paused, looking at Leonhart with something akin to helplessness written on her features.

Squall only turned away from her, and I saw his arm twitch on the coverlet. He didn't say 

anything, didn't even appear to hear her, just stared at nothing in particular with the familiar scowl on his face. Dr. Kadowaki sighed, and turned to face me. 

            "Seifer, do you remember what we talked about?" I could feel grey-blue eyes on my skin, but I didn't look at him, only nodded slowly as I tried not to look at the bed. The small woman said nothing for a moment; deep in thought.

            "Then I suppose you're free to go." She shook her head, eyes darting to the man to my right.

 "Squall-" she began, but Leonhart only turned his face further from her view, silver-brown hair falling into his eyes, and his frown deepened. Dr. Kadowaki shrugged and turned towards the door, clear glass sliding open with a soft hiss. I sat back on the bed.

Nothing was said for a few moments, and sheets rustled uncertainly in the silence. Then long legs were dropped next to mine as Squall settled on the edge of the bed beside me. I glanced at him, but his eyes were unfocused, his expression blank. He was back in Squall World.

I could still feel soft hair under my fingers, and eyelashes on my skin, and I wondered if he remembered as well. 

He started to shift uneasily under my gaze, leaning away and blowing his hair out of his eyes, watching me like a wild animal. 

No. He didn't remember.

A sigh escaped my lips, and I stood, beckoning for him to do so as well. Leather squeaked as he landed, and then he retrieved his jacket from the bedside table. It was only then that I realized we were still covered in blood. Squall's blood.

Red tile flashed in my mind, glittering with diamond tears and the echoes of 'why?'. Wild eyes and T-Rexaurs, and small black books and breaking pencils; random images behind my eyes, but most of all Squall, small and crying on the bathroom floor, in the rain, in black and white and yellow stripes. Recent past mixed with distant memories I'd thought forgotten, Ice goddesses and ivy frost that twined through blood.

I sat down on the floor, hard. My breath came fast now as the pictures continued, coming always back to Squall. Everything came back to Squall. 

And then he was there, on his knees in front of me, staring at me with blue-grey eyes asking what the hell was wrong with me. I could only laugh.

"You tried to _kill_ yourself, Squall. You could be _dead_ now, bled to death on a bathroom floor, and I'd be alone." I shut my eyelids, effectively blocking out the world.

"How can you ask what is wrong with me, when so much is wrong with you? Why didn't you just talk to me; to anyone? Why do you keep it inside yourself, where it eats away at your mind and into your skin?" I reached out to grab the bandaged arm, careful not to squeeze as I turned it wrist-up, where red had bled through.

"Why do you want to die? Why do you want to leave me?" 

The room went suddenly cold, but I would have none of that.

"Squall!" my voice was sharp, and his eyes immediately flew to mine, room temperature slowly restoring itself.

"Leave?" His asked no one in particular, and he sat down completely on the floor, pulling his arm out of my grip to wrap it around his knees.

"Leave _you?_ But…" his voice was soft.

"But I…I don't…" He cocked it head to the side, looking at me with a shocked expression. I blinked, shifting forward.

"I can't…" deep breath, "I don't know. I can't talk about this…not right now. Can we go home?" _Home._ Home was blood and black notebooks, Shiva and razors and small choking gasps. 

But Squall was okay. He was here, with me, relatively unhurt. I wouldn't let anything happen to him. Not ever again.

"Sure," I told him, and stood up, offering my hand. He looked at me like I'd just offered him a maggot-infested corpse. I sighed.

"Fine. Just trying to be nice."

"I don't need you to be nice," he shot back, and I shrugged, smirking.

"Then I won't," I told him, and started to walk for the door, taking unusual care not to get beyond five feet of Squall. I wouldn't risk anything with him.

Boots thudded on the floor as he surged to his feet, catching up with me and glaring out of the corner of his eye.

"What is with you?" he asked suddenly, and I stopped, turning to face him. I didn't have to say anything to get him to continue.

"You said you sang to me, and then got mad at me for being cold. You said you worried about me, that you didn't want me to leave you alone, and then you pull a stunt like this. I don't get it. What do you want?"

_I want to have sex with you. _

I shrugged, smiling and opening the door. Squall only scowled, and walked out, turning back towards me with his arms crossed over his chest, tan over white wrapped in black leather.

_Or I did. I'm not sure what I want, anymore, though._

"I'll tell you when I figure it out. Now, come on. We may have slept for a while, but I'm still tired." Leonhart yawned, running a hand through his hair.

"Me, too," he admitted, absently scratching his arm. I resisted the urge to grab it, to kiss the shredded flesh and make him promise that never again would it happen. But instead I dug my hands into my trench coat as we walked through glass doors, staying as close to Squall as he would let me.

3rd Person:

            The brunette was lost in his thoughts, neither at the wall of ice nor talking to his companion. His footsteps were heavy and mechanical, echoing on the spotless tile of Garden as they made their way to their dorm.

            Students passed on either side, alone or in groups, and occasionally even the enigmatic Garden Staff would wander past. Everyone cast a glance and the duo, no stranger to their usual state of rivalry, and wondered why they walked so close to each other in what seemed to be a companionable silence.

            Squall's arm was hidden in his jacket, under leather and fur as it normally was. The only unusual parts to his attire were the bloodstains on his shirt; they were neither green nor black as monster blood was inclined to be, but red. Red like humans and a very small amount of other animals that tended to live far away.

            Seifer had just passed another group of whispering girls, ignoring their shy smiles and looking away, when Squall stopped walking. 

            It was so abrupt that the blond almost ran into him, halting inches from the other man. He didn't seem to notice, only fell to his knees as he clutched his arm, breath coming hard and labored.

            "Leonhart?" Seifer's voice was worried, and he dropped to his knees beside the other man. The brunette's eyes were squeezed closed, and he turned away from his rival, knuckles on his hand white with the force of his grip.

            "Don't touch me, I'm fine." The blond rolled his eyes. 

            "And I'm a Sorceress. Come on, I'll carry you." He held out his hands, but Squall only hissed. 

            "I can still _walk_. It's just my arm. Just hold on a second." Not releasing his arm, he slowly worked his feet until they were under him, pushing up slowly and biting his lip. 

            "So what's wrong?" Seifer asked him when he'd gotten to his feet. The brunette hunched over, legs splayed.

            "I moved my arm and they all reopened. Keep walking. People are looking at me." This was answered with a shrug, and the footsteps resumed, one pair slow and steady and the other uneven, betraying a limp and a dragging gait. 

            They'd only made it a few feet when Squall stopped again, but didn't fall. 

            "I'm not weak!" He shouted at Seifer's questioning gaze, "I'm just tired, and it hurts, and I want to go home." He sighed.

            "I didn't say anything," the blond stated, and Squall only glared. 

            "You were thinking it. I'm not weak. I could still kick your ass." The other man narrowed his eyes.

            "Are you ok? What the hell is the matter with you? I never said you were weak, and though I doubt you could _ever_ kick my ass, I never even implied that you might not be up to full strength. Get a grip on yourself, Leonhart. I'm not _always_ a bastard." The brunette shook his head.

            "I just don't know what is going on anymore. Are you my friend? Still my rival? My enemy? What? You're confusing, and you make me think about things that never occurred to me. I'm afraid I'm going to lose myself." Seifer blinked. He'd never really thought about how much he must be confusing poor Leonhart with his actions. All he'd seen was his own confusion as to what he wanted.

            _I'd better decide, and fast._

            Then Squall started to sway, looking around and blinking rapidly.

            "I think the building is moving," he said absently, and Seifer stepped forward, grabbing the other man around the waist before heading towards the dorms in an all-out sprint. 

            He made the trip in record time, skidding to an uneasy halt in front of the door with Squall still in his grasp.

            "Let me go," the brunette's voice was flat, and he glared up at green eyes spitefully. Seifer ignored him, stepping through the doorway and walking to the bedroom, where he froze.

            The small black notebook lay on the desk, dull cover shining innocently. On top of it was a small grey box, next to which was placed a tiny silver object.

            _…and finally a small grey box from beneath the sink, all of which Squall stuffed into the pile of clothes…_

_            …seemed to pool around a small plastic box, open and empty on the floor…_

            Seifer gulped. 

            That box…Squall had kept a razor in that box, for whenever he would need it. He hadn't even wondered what I was.

            He's completely forgotten about the man in his arms, until it was suddenly heavy, and he dropped him. The brunette's gaze followed his own, resting on the notebook and razor blade emotionlessly.

            "I'm going to sleep." He announced finally, and sat on his bed, pulling nightclothes out from a drawer in his bedside table. Seifer only nodded numbly, still staring at the desk. 

            The rustling of clothes caught his attention, then, and he turned, immediately wishing he hadn't. Smooth white skin was stretched over the broad expanse of Squall's back, rippling over wiry muscles as the brunette pulled his shirt off.

            Scars ran like a roadmap over that pale skin, all of them well within reach of equally scarred arms. 

            They looked like chains, like thin white ropes that bound his skin in uneven patterns. Squall froze.

            "Don't look at me," he whispered, pulling the shirt down quickly to cover himself, and Seifer stepped forward. He didn't say anything, only grabbed onto the edge of the bed and pulled.

            "What are you doing!?" the brunette shrank to the far side of the mattress, hanging on with white fingers and watching with wide eyes. There wasn't an answer, only a small pause as Seifer moved the bedside tables to the ends of the bed, and then walked around to the other side and began to push, until the two beds were side-by-side.

            A brief silence, and then the trench court fell to the floor, followed by everything but boxers, and Seifer pulled his pajama pants out of his drawer. Squall gaped, whether at the indignity of it all or the body before him was unsure, and he didn't move until Seifer lay down beside him, and he shifted away.

            "Come here," the other man beckoned, and grey-blue eyes watched him unsurely. When he didn't move, the blonde rolled his eyes.

            "I'm not going to hurt you, just come here," no response.

            "Please?" Squall hesitated, and then lay down as well, his back to the other man as he kept a careful distance. Seifer sighed.

            Arms wrapped around a thin waist, pulling the brunette closer, and blue-grey eyes shot open. One of the arms moved upwards, wrapping up around his shoulder to cradle him gently, and Squall felt warm breath against his skin. He shifted noncommittally.

            "Don't touch me…" the protest was weak, betrayed by the body the pressed almost undetectably closer to Seifer's own, and the blond smiled.

            "I'm not going to try to kill myself again," the words were slow and sleepy, lulled by a warmth and comfort he had not felt in a long while. Laughter rumbled against his back.

            "Sure you aren't," Seifer assured him, and the arms tightened, drawing Squall closer, until the only thing that separated them was a thin barrier of clothing. The brunette sighed, and relaxed, deciding that any questions could wait until morning, when things didn't feel so…right.

**End Chapter 8**

****

Whee? That was interesting…not to mention forever in coming. I've got school tomorrow! Argh!

–runs off to do homework- 

Well, this chapter feels weird, too, but there isn't a whole lot I can do. I think they're getting subsequently more out of character with each chapter, but oh, well. Ill fix that someday, when Squall isn't half dead.

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	9. Let the Rain Fall

See first chapter for details.

I am attempting to fix the OOC and the rather…choppy chapters that have been occurring lately. I liked the flow of the earlier chapters better.

A Fate Worse Than Death 

****

**Chapter 9**

****

3rd Person:

            Morning saw Seifer and Squall at the coffee table, their usual personalities relatively restored. Squall had been silent since they woke up, refusing to speak to Seifer other than the occasional short sentence.

Seifer, on the other hand, was ignoring the fact that Squall was ignoring him, using the time to hold a DC meeting via computer messaging program. 

            Two faces stared out at him from the flickering screen, one a woman with silver hair and a single blood-red eye, the other obscured by an eye patch. She was currently glaring at the screen, but this wasn't unusual. 

            The other face was Raijin, dark-haired and handsome; if you liked blank looks. Seifer sat in front of them, arms crossed, and every few seconds he would cast a glance to where Squall sat three feet away, as if to make sure he hadn't run off. If the two people watching him from the computer screen noticed, they didn't say anything.

            "Anyway," Raijin was the speaker, "Me'n Fuj have been doin' our best, ya know? But these kids ain't got no respect for the DC without you, man. I mean, we do all right, but only if we catch 'em screwin' up. When you was around, they coulda sworn that no matter where they was, you'd see 'em, ya know? We need you back Seif, Leonhart or no." He paused, scratching his neck.

            "Actually, now that I think of it, the Lion's got a pretty mean glare. He could help out, maybe. The DC needs all the help it can get with these _new_ kids runnin' around, ya know?" Seifer frowned. Squall? On the Disciplinary Committee? He glanced at the person in question, and was surprised to see grey-blue eyes staring back at him. 

            Right. _That_ would be the day. He'd swallow Hyperion if Squall ever voluntarily agreed to join the DC, a group notorious for getting further into people's business than anyone really wanted to. Seifer smirked at the brunette, who only glared and resumed staring at the table, as if expecting it to catch fire. Green eyes returned to the computer screen.

            "Somehow, I just don't see that happening, Raj," He crossed his arms again, looking to Fujin.

            "Well?" Seifer prompted, "any opinions on the current state of the DC?" Silver hair was brushed out of a single eye.

            "BAD," the woman stated in her unusual speech pattern, "NEED SEIFER BACK." The blond laughed.

            "Seems this school just can't run without me," he said, and then turned once again to face Squall.

"Sorry, Squally-boy, but it looks like you're going to have to accompany me for the rounds." A pause, but no response came. Seifer leaned back in the chair, balancing on the back legs.

            "Aww, c'mon. Most people would kill for a spot on the DC, and here you'll get to follow us around all day; no murder involved." Squall only lifted his head, giving Seifer an unreadable expression. 

            "Excuse me, while I find a container for my joy," he said finally, his voice flat, and then he resumed staring at the table. The blond leaned back forward, settling the chair on four legs once more.

            "That's the spirit, Leonhart!" he encouraged, and turned to face the small images of his friends that flickered on the screen.

            "FUN," somehow, Fujin managed to convey sarcasm. Raijin shook his head in amazement.

            "I know what you mean, Fuj," he agreed, looking at Seifer, "you've got what? Three months with Leonhart? Must be hell, man."

            Blood on white tile. Frost and diamond tears. Dragging footsteps, choking sobs and blind panic. Squall alone, crying, in the rain and on the floor, on his knees, in front of Seifer. Blue-grey eyes and silver-brown hair, wrapped in pristine bandage and thin white scars.

            "Yeah," his voice was suddenly quiet, "yeah, something like that." Red and brown exchanged worried glances.

            "You all right, man?"

            Heavy weight in his arms. Soft hair on his shoulder, under his fingers. Deep moans and liquid eyes, singing and soft hands. Arms around his in the darkness.

            "I'm fine," Seifer assured them, casting another glance at Squall, who ignored him. 

            "Perfectly fine. I just gotta get out more. This whole…scenario is going to drive me crazy. I mean…" he trailed off.

            _I haven't had sex in a _week_._ Seifer snorted. He didn't know how much longer he could take this. Raijin grinned.

            "Then you should be happy to know that they're expecting you both back in class in two days." He held up a small slip of paper, squinting at it, "apparently it was gonna be sooner, but somethin' came up. It doesn't say what, though, ya know?" At the table a few feet away, Squall froze, looking up at Seifer with wide eyes. The blond merely waved his hand; _don't worry_, and the other man relaxed.

            There was a silence, and then Raijin continued.

            "Anyway, me'n Fuj figured that you could come back to the DC now, and then it would be like a sort of slow intro back to school, ya know? One step at a time, like." A pause.

            "Plus we really just need you back, Seif."

            "ASAP." Fujin added. Seifer just nodded, and Squall, who had been watching, rolled his eyes.

            _As if he needs any more ego,_ the brunette told Shiva, who gave a very undignified giggle. 

            _Isn't that why you like him?_ Her fingertips danced on the ice, diamond-scaled skin glittering in an unknown light source. Squall narrowed his eyes, wisely choosing to say nothing, and instead turned back to stare at the comfortingly silent table.

            _I bet she's not even real,_ he dug his fingers into his hair, closing his eyes, _I bet I'm schizophrenic, and she's my subconscious trying to tell me something I'd rather not admit._

            Squall sighed, and resumed listening to the conversation Seifer was having with his friends.

            "-and Zell keeps getting into fistfights over the hotdogs. It takes both me _an'_ Fuj to get him off of whoever he's attackin', and then it's the same thing the next day, and every fuckin' _hour_ Nida stops by, wantin' to know where you are and if you're mad at him. It's almost like you've _died_, ya know? I think me'n Fuj are the only students who actually know what's goin' on, and-" across from Raijin, the red eye narrowed.

            "NO."

            "What'dya mean, 'NO'? Someone else know?" Fujin turned, and it was then that Seifer realized they were actually sitting next to each other, but at different computers.

            "ME." 

            "I know you know. That's what I said, you'n me-" Raijin looked confused.

            "NO. YOU DIDN'T TELL _ME._" Seifer could've laughed at the expression on his male friend's face. 

            "Oh," It was quiet, and Raijin shifted backwards, almost to the edge of the small picture frame, "Eh…I didn't realize, Fuj." He gave a nervous laugh before casting a panicked glance at Seifer. The blond smirked.

            "Relax, Fu," he told the screen, "it was just a spell mishap thing. I can't get further than five feet from Leonhart or the boy starts choking. Nothing to worry about." The woman frowned.

            "SEIFER NOT HURT?" He held up both hands, as if this were proof of his well-being.

            "Nope, I'm fine. Only thing to worry about is me going insane, which I will if I don't get out soon." Fujin stopped advancing on Raijin to turn back towards the screen. Her frown deepened in uncertainty.

            "OKAY." She said doubtfully, and then gave a curt nod before her image flickered and died. Raijin glanced to his right, where Fujin presumably still was.

            "I'm gonna go now, Seif. Meet us in the Quad [1] in two hours or so, ya know? Don't let Leonhart hold you back; just drag 'im if he don't wanna come." He raised a hand in brief farewell, and then he, too, disappeared, leaving Seifer to stare at a relatively blank computer screen. With a sigh, he reached behind the screen, turning it off, and with a few erratic buzzes the screen went black.

            At the table, Squall turned his head minutely, glancing at Seifer out of the corner of his eye. The blue was shaded; half subdued by steely grey and the shadows of his ragged bangs, but a glimmer was till visible, letting the blonde know that he was being watched. He sighed, running a hand through short, soft hair and the few small strands that always evaded the styling gel before standing and stretching.

            "We don't have to go, if you don't want to," his voice was unusually soft; a tone that few could ever claim to have heard. If Squall noticed, he said nothing; only shifted slightly on the couch, watching the other man with unreadable eyes. Its invitation was not lost on the blonde, who immediately plopped down in the newly vacated seat and stretched his arms over the back of the small couch.

            The smaller man did his best not to shy away.

            _I am not _that_ skittish,_ Squall reprimanded himself. 

Behind him, Shiva's nails ran along the ice wall, eliciting a sound like glass bells that echoed outlandishly in his mind. It was oddly soothing, for all that it was an Ice Goddess's escape from boredom, and Squall closed his eyes, leaning back and stretching his legs.

            He could feel the threatening heat of the arm; so close that his skin itched from the sheer thought of contact. It didn't move, however. The hand stayed a mere increment away, and it didn't jump at him, didn't grasp, didn't restrain; only rested harmlessly behind him. Squall leaned back onto it, testing hesitantly, and felt naught but warm skin and comforting weight. The muscles underneath bunched slightly, and fingers grazed the brunette's shoulder, but nothing more. 

            Blue-grey eyes slowly opened as Squall leaned back forward.

            Seifer was watching him oddly. 

            But that brief moment had prompted his decision, and, very slowly, he stood.

            Or he tried to. His leg was asleep, though, so he sat immediately back down, rubbing at the painfully ticklish muscles with a soft hiss. Eventually the stinging numbness subsided, and Squall looked back at Seifer.

            "Are you okay?" the blonde was frowning, his eyes showing confusion and an obvious doubt of the inevitable answer.

            "Yes,"

            Was it a lie, or a very vague affirmation? Seifer wasn't quite sure, but then again he didn't really care, either. So long as there were no more suicide attempts. He crossed his arms, and waited for whatever it was that Squall had wanted to say. It didn't take long.

            "I'll go," pause; a small frown, "with you, I mean. To the Quad…"

 "…I guess." He added after a moment.

            "You guess?" the brunette gave a soft groan.

            "I'm not looking forward to it, but I'll go anyway. Just don't ask why, and don't expect me to talk."

            "Wouldn't dream of it, Squally." Seifer grinned, rising to his feet and waiting for Squall to do the same. After a moment's glare, he did, running a hand through his hair before crossing his arms. 

            They then made a quick trip to the bedroom in order to retrieve their gunblades, and then the two walked out of the door, the sharp silver of Revolver resting against fur and leather, and the blue hue of Hyperion held like and extension of Seifer's arm before him, glittering in the dim garden light.

Squall:

            I wasn't sure why I decided to go. Stupidity? A death wish? Momentary insanity?

            No, that wasn't right. Any insanity would be far from temporary. Closer to permanent and very extreme, I would think, but that didn't matter. The important thing was staying close to Seifer, and not choking, and not dying. He didn't seem to remember I existed, which was understandable, so it was mostly up to me to make sure I was within range.

            It was strange, how second-nature that was becoming; wait until Seifer was hungry to eat, wait for him to wake up before I could get out of bed, wait for him to agree to go to the library, wait for him to shut up so that I could think. It was scary, horrifying, even; knowing that when the spell was broken it would feel as if a part of my life was missing. 

            Because I had been stuck with him so long. I wouldn't miss him; not in the least. I would be glad when he was gone.

            Wouldn't I?

            A giggle like snowfall in the back of my mind. Shiva.

            _I don't know what you find so funny._ For some reason, I had a feeling I had done something in the infirmary; something I would regret ever knowing if I found out. I knew, though, due to the same intuition, that Shiva remembered what I did not, and that it was very vital that I discover what it was, sooner or later.

            Preferably later. From the looks of things, it wasn't something I'd be proud of, and my last suicide attempt was far too recent to risk another. 

            I sighed. 

            _Suicide._

            I didn't know why it kept happening. I remembered nothing from that day; only running, running and not stopping, and poison green-brown eyes. I could feel the scars underneath the bandage, but I had not looked at them. To look at them would be to admit that I was weak; to admit that my strength came only from Shiva, and that I was merely a child. 

            Yet I loved my scars. They kept me real, kept me bound in my skin, and they would never leave me. Would never fade. They would never leave me alone on a stormy day, tears falling in mockery of the rain; when two Squalls cried their last for the world that hated them so much.

            I was staring at white tile; stationary white tile, and wondering vaguely why I was still breathing. Seifer should have been gone by now. 

            "Squall?" Or perhaps I wasn't invisible after all. I frowned. 

            "Kindness doesn't suit you," and so it didn't. Seifer was arrogance incarnate; he was beauty and strength and sex all rolled into a person who was very aware of this fact. He was the sort of person who would love someone until the end of time, would never leave them; assuming they were good enough for him.

            I laughed a little, and it tore at my throat, unsuited to this alien action.

            _There is no way I'm good enough._

            "Good enough for what?" he asked curiously. 

            _Huh?_

I guess I didn't realize that I'd said that aloud.

            I blinked, watching him through my hair. The uneven strands hung in front of my eyes like they always did; I made no move to brush them aside, instead learning to look around them. Seifer was watching me, hands in the deep pockets of his trench coat. He was smirking.

            I scowled. He was too annoying for his own good. 

            A deep breath, and I started to walk again, hoping he would get the hint. He didn't. Hyne, was this man stupid or something?

            _Let's go,_ I thought impatiently, crossing my arms. The blonde in front me of just mirrored the action, and I felt myself glare. We didn't have time for this. I just wanted to get to the DC meeting, and then get back to our dorm as quickly as possible. But then, Seifer had always been an ass.

            I felt the incredible urge to kill him, mostly caused by the long-unused gunblade in my hand. Bloodlust was an unfamiliar feeling; I was used to the simple acceptance of the fact that to live, others had to die. But _Seifer_…

            Seifer pushed buttons I didn't even know I had. A simple twitch of hips lips could make me hate him, while a mere glance…

            What in Shiva's name was I thinking? 

            "DC meeting," I said, my voice a bit shorter than I'd meant it to be. He frowned, but nodded, and I started to walk again, wondering what had gotten into me, and why Shiva wouldn't stop giggling.

Seifer:

            Squall really _was_ a cat.

            The minute we'd walked up to Fuj and Raj, he had crossed his arms and refused to talk. Fujin just ignored him, and Raijin gave up after several attempts to get him to talk. 

            It had felt good to get back into the swing of the Disciplinary Committee; I hadn't even realized how much I had missed it. In a matter of seconds I was back to stalking the hallways, searching for one of the many 'repeated offenders' that had shown up in my absence. 

            The first were simply a group of new students that were trying to take over the cafeteria. They'd never met me before.

            I smirked.

            And, to be sure, now they wished they'd never had. 

            They hadn't even noticed my Squall-shaped shadow; too preoccupied with the gunblade glittering in my fist. So what if weapons weren't allowed? They break the rules, I break the rules, and at least _I_ was doing it to keep others in line.

            The second offenders were a bit tougher to deal with. It was a group I was very well acquainted with; a certain club of near-graduates who seemed to think that they ran Garden, and I'd had to inform them otherwise many times before.

            Fujin and Raijin had been unable to intimidate them in my absence, and they had grown a bit unruly. It was only a matter of minutes before I whipped them back into shape, leaving all but their leader looking for the nearest exit. 

            Their leader, on the other hand, was staring at Squall, who was trying his best to hide behind me without making it too obvious as to what he was doing. The punk smirked. 

            He _smirked_!

            Who did this guy think he was; me? I narrowed my eyes, stepping forward and effectively blocking Leonhart from the guy's view. I could practically _feel_ my roommate relax. Seriously screwed up, Squall was. The brown eyes of the club leader glittered maliciously.

            "Is that _Leonhart?_"

            _No, it's a life-size replica I carry around for sexual purposes. Hyne, did this guy have nothing better to do than state the obvious?_

            I didn't bother to dignify him with a response, I just rolled my eyes, wondering how he'd even gotten elected as leader. 

            "Why is _he_ following you around, Almasy? Did you need backup to take care of me? Oh, I'm flattered." More like flattened. In approximately .02 seconds, or however long it would take me to swing Hyperion at his throat.

            Whoa, Seifer; deep breath. _Do not kill your fellow students._

            I was pretty sure that was a rule, right? I mean, it _had_ to be. Right?

            Fuck! What if it wasn't? That would be the loophole from heaven. I was smiling now, and the punk backed up. His face didn't betray fear, only confusion. 

            "Listen, Nooj [2]," I told him, idly running a gloved hand down the blue steel of Hyperion, "I don't have time to deal with you and your little card club. I'm getting _really_ bored of kicking your ass every time I see you, so just stop, ok?" _That_ got him riled up. I could practically _see_ the steam coming out of his ears, and he took a faltering step forward. 

            I just hoped he had the stupidity to try and hit me. But he didn't. Or maybe he didn't have the courage; either way, his gaze instead locked onto Raijin and Fujin. 

            "So, you couldn't handle me yourself, and had to get Big Bad Seifer to protect you?" His laughter was weak, and became weaker when Fujin cocked her head innocently, red gaze betraying the expression.

            "YES," She said simply. I saw Nooj's eyes narrow.

            "Fucking pathetic," but he didn't seem so convinced of it. Raijin laughed.

            "Whatever, man. Seifer's the leader for a reason. We always follow him, ya know." I could see the gears working in the punk's head as he turned next to Squall. 

            Leonhart only narrowed his eyes, and I'm pretty sure I was the only one who saw the small shift he made towards me. He was making it really hard not to jump in front of him like some Knight in shining armor, protecting the Ice Prince from unwanted gazes.

            This attraction was becoming ridiculous. Even _Squall_ wasn't _that_ attractive. 

            "And you?" Nooj took a step towards Leonhart, malice written in the lines of his face. To his credit, my roommate didn't move; didn't flinch. He just stood there, a statue of black leather and slate blue eyes, ragged silver-brown hair falling haphazardly over his features, shading ivory skin.

            Okay, so maybe Squall _was_ that attractive. Maybe more than just _that_ attractive. He was beautiful. Completely beautiful. Nevertheless, I was pretty sure he'd hate me forever if I kissed him right there, so I refocused my attention on Nooj. 

            _Nooj_, Seifer. Nooj. Not Squall.

            Right.

            I crossed my arms, realizing that Nooj was now barely three feet from Squall, a look like a wolf hunting its prey on his face.

            "Why are _you_ following him around, Lion? _Everyone_ knows that you're enemies. Rivals. You hate each other." A moment of exaggerated thought, and boots clicked once more on the mosaic that was Balamb's floor. He was only two feet from Squall, yet Leonhart didn't move. 

            Was he _smiling?_

"Perhaps there is something everyone," he indicated to the returning club members, scattered about the halls like wary deer, "should know?" A hand was placed on black leather, and I expected a flinch, at the very least. But there was nothing.

            Jealousy.

            I hated that more than anything. Why should Squall only react negatively to _me?_ Was I that horrible? Was even Nooj allowed to touch him?

            "Maybe," It was a stage whisper now, a mockery of secrecy, "you should all leave right now, before someone," The hand on Leonhart's shoulder tightened threateningly, and I saw dark fingers grasp at the sword that was Nooj's weapon. I wanted to hurt him. Badly.

            "Gets _hurt._" 

            No one saw Squall move, least of all Nooj. There was simply a flicker of black and the squeak of leather, and one of Leonhart's hands was wrapped around the punk's throat. I felt my eyes widen, ad saw Nooj's do the same. Apparently the Lion was fond of Haste.

            Squall tossed his hair back, uncovering his shaded eyes, and his fingers tightened.

            The club leader choked slightly, his own hands coming up to grasp at the leather-clad fist at his throat. 

            It suddenly got very cold, and Squall scowled.

            "Don't threaten me. My reasons are my business. Not yours." Brown eyes bulged in dark skin, and with a small jerk, as if stuck, Leonhart withdrew his hand. I blinked.

            Blue painted Nooj's dark skin, wrapping around his throat in five long bars, the edges tinged with white. It was a handprint.

            No one said anything for a long moment, staring either at the print or at Squall. Gasping breaths echoed eerily in the too-cold halls, clouding like silver mist in front of stricken lips. It was a few minutes before Nooj got his lungs working again.

            "What-" It was halted, punctured with inconsistent breathing. A dark hand flew to the still-blue skin, feeling the frozen flesh tenderly. Green flowered at his fingertips, a small sparkling of emeralds and Phoenix eyes, settling into the skin and leaving a smell of mint and cool water behind. Ice faded, breathing eased.

            "That isn't pos…how?" footsteps skittered backwards, away from Squall, who was hidden beneath his hair again. His arms were crossed, and he turned his head away, scowling. Then Nooj halted, drawing himself upright as he glared at Leonhart. My fist clenched around Hyperion.

            "You'll regret that, Lion. I don't know what's going on here, but I will find out. Whatever your secret…whatever is _wrong_ with you…wrong with your skin, I'll find out." He hissed, low and dangerous and not at al joking. Squall didn't seem impressed.

            "Whatever." He replied, and fell silent again, ignoring the world. 

            Nooj took this opportunity to stalk away, followed by a very surprised card club.

            "Uh," I said observantly, and behind me Raijin snorted.

            "No shit." He agreed, "We could _really_ use Leonhart on the DC." But Squall's frown only deepened.

            "No thanks," He turned away from us all, arms curling tightly into each other. The cold faded from the halls.

            "So who's hungry?" This was all way too fucking weird. Squall? Threatening people? I guess I didn't know him as well as I thought. It had certainly surprised Nooj as well.

            Lions were like that, though; sleeping most of the time, but Hyne save you if you woke one up at the wrong time.

            "ME." Silver hair fluttered in the corner of my eye as Fujin glanced at Squall.

            "Me, also. I'm _dyin'_ of hunger, ya know?" Raijin turned to look at Squall, too. I think that after that, Leonhart would always be considered a member of the Disciplinary Committee, no matter how fervently he denied it.

            He apparently realized this, as well. The slender shoulders shrugged, and his hands fell to his sides as he faced us.

            "Whatever." He confirmed.

3rd Person:

            In less than ten minutes, the four stood in the cafeteria, trays in hand. Raijin had piled his high with strange mixtures of what appeared to be eggs and jello; a special request he had made to the chef. Fujin had a sandwich, her single red eye watching her friend's food wobble warily. Seifer had gotten a rare hotdog.

            Squall had an apple, which he rolled between his hands as they waited. The blonde looked over his shoulder at the other man.

            "You need to eat more," he stated, and the brunette frowned.

            "I don't get very hungry,"

            "I'm surprised you don't faint every two seconds, if _that_ is what you eat. Here." A tray was shoved into reluctant hands, bearing a sandwich, pudding, and a hot dog. The apple was plucked out of Squall's fingers and piled on the tray with everything else. He scowled.

            "I'm not going to eat it," somehow he managed to make it sound completely unchildish, more of a resigned admittance than a blind stubbornness. Seifer turned, glaring down at the shorter man with emerald eyes.

            "Yes, you are." 

            There was no response, at the risk of regressing back to when he was six. Instead, Squall sighed, shifting uneasily on his feet as he looked away.

            _What is he; my mother?_ A sharp pang of memory, faded and forgotten and blurred by tears. Squall had no mother. No family. No one had really ever made sure he had eaten right, leading to his rather thin, if still moderately healthy, frame. The brunette almost smiled, lips twitching slightly in resistance to the foreign movement.

            _Okay. I'll eat it. But just this once._

            It was nice to have someone almost care. Even if it was just Seifer on a power trip, it was better than nothing. 

            The blonde watched indecision play over the younger man's face, before blue-grey eyes swept up from where they stared at the floor, meeting his own.

            "Fine," he said, picking up a water bottle near the end of the line before turning to wait for the others. Seifer blinked in surprise.

            _Had Squall just _obeyed_ him?_

            He just stood there for a second, doing his best not to stare, until he realized he was holding up Fujin. It was never good to delay Fujin.

            So Seifer moved, standing next to Squall until his other friends were done, and then led the way to a table by the window; where he usually sat. The brunette slid into the booth next to him, a bit closer than the size of the seat dictated. He chose not to say anything, instead enjoying the apparent lack of the usual flightiness that was Squall.

~*~*~

            Squall was halfway through the hotdog when the lights went out. 

            Thunder rumbled ominously overhead, lightning flickering in erratic imitations of the power it had stolen from Garden. Rain beat a constant tattoo on the windows, distorting blonde and brunette reflections. 

            Seifer balked at the crashing sound, sighing discontentedly.

            "Just what we need," he grumbled to no one in particular, and sighed. He could see the landscape dark with water through the glass, and in the distance the bolts of white light illuminated a rocky plateau, worn with long battles. 

            Then something tugged at his mind, and he turned to see Squall standing at the edge of the limit, looking at Seifer with something akin to urgency in his eyes. The brunette shifted anxiously, and as soon as he knew the other man was paying attention, he beckoned.

            "I want to go outside," he said softly, and the blonde's eyes widened.

            "In _this?_ Are you fucking insane?"

            Blue eyes narrowed.

            "Maybe."

            Seifer groaned, standing despite his reluctance to leave.

            "I didn't mean it like that-"

            "I know," Squall interrupted, "Can we go?" He was almost…excited. His blue eyes were bright, his skin flushed as he watched the rain. The other man sighed, shrugging.

            "Fine. But if I get sick, I'm blaming you." He stepped grudgingly out of the booth, standing next to Squall.

            "Whatever," the brunette replied, and began to walk quickly towards the door. Seifer hurried to catch up, barely within five feet.

            In a matter of minutes they were outside, climbing up the hillside. Seifer hunched in his trench coat next to Squall, his strides long and hurried in order to keep up.

            "Fucking _worst_ time to get in the mood for a nature walk," he muttered, "In the middle of a damn _rainstorm-_" He stopped when his rival did, looking around. They were at the plateau, the very place where this whole thing had started. Squall stood a few feet away, his face turned up to the sky.

            He was smiling.

            Seifer blinked. 

            Squall.

            Rainstorms.

            Scars, lightening, and thunder.

            It all fit, all ran together like so many memories, front to back and round again. Everything was tied together, everything connected. Seifer gave a low laugh.

            "Looks like we're back at the beginning," he sighed, and next to him, Squall opened his eyes, looking at the landscape.

            The land was shedding every color but grey, washed away by the rain. Everything was dull, everything lifeless, except for Seifer; a god of golden and green, glaring at him through the storm.

            There was a moment of stillness, when even the thunder stopped, and Squall took faltering step forward. The blonde's eyes narrowed.

            "We should go in, Leonhart," Lightning was a distant illumination, highlighting pale yellow hair and emerald eyes. The brunette just stared at him from beneath soaked bangs a look of stricken realization on his features.

            Seifer cocked his head, stepping forward and leaning down a bit, looking into eyes that reflected a storm.

            "Are you okay?" It was quiet, concerned, and Squall opened his mouth as if to answer the older man.

            But, instead, he kissed him.

            It was then, with arms wrapped around broad shoulders, that the brunette realized the truth, the truth about everything that had happened; everything that he remembered, and even some things he didn't. 

            Before he met Seifer, everything had been perfect. He had been nearly invisible; he had been ignored by everyone, and left alone to be alone, as he wanted. But then Sis left, and Seifer appeared, both on the same rainy day.

            He should have hated the rain for that, but he didn't. He loved rainstorms. There was something about the wildness of it all, the complete uncontrollability, that lured him. The same something that Seifer possessed.

            _I guess perfect wasn't really perfect,_ Squall mused, listening to the distant rumble of thunder, and the very close rumble of Seifer's heart. _There was something missing; something wrong. I just never realized it. But Shiva knew it, she knew something didn't fit._

After Seifer came, everything was different. He was in the spotlight, always being picked on. And now, being forced to spend every second with him.

            He had been happy being unseen, but now…now he was happy, too.

            Different wasn't so different, after all.

Squall pushed closer, wanting to _feel_ the thunder of this new heartbeat. His arms tightened around the warm body, frozen inside by ice and rainwater. He was melting, though, slowly melting in the heat of this dream, despite the storm around him.

            Let_ the rain fall,_ he thought, _So long as it doesn't wake me up._

"Squall?"

            _I'll be there in a second, just let me dream for a few more minutes. This is so…nice._

            Breath on his face, close and warm and all too real. Blue-grey eyes shot open, to stare into green.

            He wasn't dreaming.

            _Oh, fuck! What am I _thinking?!

            Squall pushed away, his breath ragged, quick with panic. He stumbled away from Seifer, avoiding the other's gaze.

            What had he done?

            "Squall?" The blonde took a step towards him, hand outstretched.

            _He's going to hit me._

            The brunette wanted to scream, to cry, as he fell to his knees, hands buried in his hair.

            _What had he done?_

            His eyes widened as the other man came closer, footsteps crunching on the familiar battleground.

What had he been thinking? Kissing _Seifer?_

_You love him_.

The answer was sharp, icy, a glittering echo from behind diamond walls. She was smiling comfortingly, reaching for him with slender blue hands. Squall grasped at them, reveling in the detachment they brought. 

_Love?_

He felt his body curl around itself on the wet earth, burying his head in his knees as he struggled with this revelation.

Then, pressure on his shoulder. A hand. Deep tan and strong; Seifer's hand.

_No!_

Squall surged to his feet, knocking the hand away. 

Thunder echoed above him, and lightening flickered in his eyes, and he stared for a moment at the blonde, confusion on his features.

Then he turned, and ran.

**End Chapter 9**

Finally. And Argh! That took even longer than the last chapter. Hrn. At least it's lengthy. And I was making Paella, so I have an excuse. 

The end was confusing, I know, but hopefully it will make more sense when I add Seifer's perspective. I am dissatisfied with the second half of this chapter, now, though the first part is okay.

[1] Was there a Quad? I can't really remember the name of the place where they were supposed to have the festival.

[2] Nooj = bad. I don't like Nooj. He was deceptive and not as pretty as Baralai. Why did I give the sphere to him? Why?

I know Seifer and Sis didn't appear and leave on the same day, but I made it like that for the story.

You've got no idea how many grammatical and spelling errors typing Raijin's speech causes. It's like Christmas or something.

I love you all to itty-bitty bite-sized pieces! You make me happy, and are my inspiration. ^_^ I am so glad you like this fan fiction. (Unless you don't, which begs the question; _why_ did you make it to chapter 9?)

Read?

Review!


	10. Break the Ice

See previous chapter for details. 

Well, here we go. This thing is starting to write itself, because I don't know where it's going.

And now, Squall questions his sexuality! (About damn time).

A Fate Worse Than Death 

****

**Chapter 10**

****

****

Seifer:

            He kissed me.

            _Squall_ kissed _me._ Of all the things I had been expecting, that was the last. The way I'd seen it, in a few weeks the loneliness would drive me to kiss _him_, not the other way around. Yet here he was, arms wrapped around my waist with his lips pressed against mine. 

            They were soft. So soft, like rose petals, and they tasted like rain and electricity. Like a thunderstorm.

            I was too shocked to do anything at fist; simply stood there like an idiot, and when I was about to respond; when my fingers began to run up his rain-slicked waist, he pushed away, panting.

            Black boots stumbled on the wet earth, fighting to regain the balance that had deserted Squall, and I stood there. Just _stood_ there. Hyne; I'd been waiting for this _forever_, and I just stood there. 

            Flesh thudded heavily against the ground as he fell, eyes wide and shocked, half-hidden by his soaked hair and the fingers he held to his lips. Ice spiraled outwards; twining like silver ivy through the mud. His breathing was loud above the thunder.

            Fuck. Fuck fuck _fuck_. _Do_ something, Almasy!

            "Squall?"

            No answer. His eyes closed, leather-clad fingers running through water-blackened hair. Rain ran over his face like tears.

            Squall crying in the rain in a yellow shirt, in leather, in a thunderstorm in front of me, in blood and mud and loneliness.

            "Squall?"

            I took a step towards him, earth shifting wetly under my boots. His eyes shot open, and for one brief, eternal moment, he stared at me, realization written heavily in the shadows of his face.

            I held out my hand, and Squall recoiled, fingers clutching at himself as if afraid I would hit him. I fought the urge to scoff.

            I would never hurt him. _Never._

            But I didn't have time to tell him this, to tell him anything, because he surged to his feet, and ran.

            I shook my head as I bolted after him. This would _not _happen again. I wasn't going to worry about what happened if he made it back to our room, because he wouldn't. He wouldn't make it back, because he was inches from my fingertips, weaving in the slippery mud and blinded by the rain.

            That was _it. _ I was tired of worrying about him, about pining for my rival and hoping that maybe he would like me. I was done playing his games, done sidestepping around him and tip-toeing through our dorm lest the ice shatter.

            It was time to _break_ the ice. It was time to play _my_ games.

            This time, when I leaped for him, I collided solidly with his waist, eliciting a surprised yelp dragging him to the sodden earth. 

            We landed heavily, Squall beneath me, gazing up with fearful blue eyes. His hands were splayed over my chest, trying to push me away. I pulled him closer.

            "Please," he whispered, closing his eyes, "Seifer, I'm sorry, that wasn't supposed to happen, I just-" I rolled my eyes, and cut him off with my tongue.

            The hands against my chest went limp, and I pushed closer, deeper, almost into the ground. I could taste him, taste the electricity, and after an uncertain few seconds, he responded. It was unpracticed and wary, as I had expected. After all, Squall hadn't ever really had a girlfriend. Or a boyfriend.

             Would take care of _that_, though. My hands found their way to his neck, running up over the ivory skin to caress the silken flesh. I ran my tongue over his perfect teeth, the roof of his mouth, and deeper, his lips almost melded with my own as he responded uncertainly, his own hands clutching with abandon at my back. 

            His tongue was smooth against mine, touching with maddening whispers of contact, and I groaned, bit his bottom lip and drew it into my mouth for a moment before returning to the kiss.

            After a moment, I pushed upwards, drawing my knees under me and diving deeper into his mouth. I felt the ridges under my tongue, and I lapped at them as my hands ran down his sides, his waist, his hips, causing Squall to gasp, letting me go deeper, and arch against me, hands fisted in my trench coat. 

            Then I pulled away, resting my weight on my hands as I stared down at him. He cautiously opened one eye, and then the other, meeting my gaze.

            He flushed and blinked rapidly, whether from the rain or something else I was unsure. His lips were dark and swollen, his breathing laborious. Eyes squeezed shut again.

            "Fuck." It was almost inaudible, whispered to the earth as he turned his head away. I smirked, and leaned down to press a kiss against his exposed throat. He gave a shuddering sigh, eyelids fluttering closed again.

            "Maybe later," 

            Oh, _definitely_ later. It didn't matter if his kiss _had_ been a mistake. There was _no way_ he was going to get out of this one. Though…I really hoped it hadn't been a mistake. I'd go insane if it really was. 

            But his apologizing had been a good sign. It showed that he didn't want me to hate him. 

            That, or didn't want me to tell everyone.

            Oh, well. It was pretty obvious he was attracted to me, and he hadn't pushed me off yet.

            Just after I thought that, I landed on my back, gazing into the dying storm and wondering what had just happened.

            Squall was glaring at me, and for a brief moment I was scared, actually _scared_ of what he would say.                                

I was losing it. To _him_. 

I frowned, looking at him and wondering what his problem was; because this definitely wasn't _my_ fault. He just frowned before sitting up, and then climbed unsteadily to his feet, closing his eyes and hiding his forehead in his hand.

"You're heavy," he stated, and then fell silent, staring over my left shoulder at nothing in particular. 

"_Seifer?"_ It was Nida.

Like I said; nothing in particular. I sat up, grimacing as something plopped down into the mud in front of me, long lashes fluttering in an attempt at attractive worrying. He placed a hand on my thigh.

"What are you _doing_ out here, Seifer?" he asked, completely ignoring Squall. I smirked. The urge to tell him was overwhelming, but then there was Leonhart, looking like a deer caught in the headlights.

"Going for a walk with my roommate?" I offered, and Nida frowned in a way that managed to make him look very deliberately alluring. I hated it. The hand on my thigh squeezed.

"You're going to catch a cold," he whispered, leaning closer, "and then someone will have to take care of you." He gave a practiced shy smile, tracing patterns on my leg, and I rolled my eyes and stood up. Squall was watching the storm die out, ignoring us both.

"C'mon, Leonhart," I called, ignoring the disappointed look Nida gave me, "he's right. Let's go in before one of us gets sick."

Leonhart frowned absently, blue-grey eyes glowing in faraway lightening.

"I don't get sick," he said distantly, but nonetheless started to walk back to Garden, pausing a moment to make sure I stayed close enough. I caught up with him in two steps, reaching for his hand with a backwards glance at Nida. Squall pulled away.

"Prick," I accused, and he just shrugged and crossed his arms.

"Whatever."

~*~*~

            Nothing was said for the entire walk back to our dorm; the air growing increasingly chilly with each step I took. I was shivering by the time we got back, both with the cold and the wet and I wanted nothing more than to curl up and go to sleep. 

            Instead, I closed my eyes as I walked; staying close to the heavy beat of Squall's footsteps. It took a few moments for me to find what I was looking for in my mind, and then everything exploded in red and orange and yellow. Fire.

            Ifrit gazed at me with solemn eyes, and something about the way he moved suggested a warning against speech. But I didn't want to talk. I wanted to bask in the heat, rid myself of the cold and forget, if for just a moment, everything had happened.

            A brief image in the fire, a suggestion of an idea, and Ifrit grinned wolfishly in the back of my head. Its meaning was clear; _summon or leave._ I sighed.

            Everyone was being mean to me. Even my own _Guardian_ didn't sympathize. 

            _You can't just be a friend, even this once, can you?_ The question was out before I realized it, and the lion-beast shook his head behind the flames, gold rings ringing softly against the obsidian horns.

            _Don't expect anything from me but fighting beside you, _he rumbled dangerously, _I don't have any comforting words._ [1]

            His claws curled maliciously as he brought himself to stand, amber eyes dancing in echo to the fire. Teeth were bright even in the unending light.

            _Why not talk to your lover? Surely he will console you. After all…_

I was suddenly staring at our door, wondering what 'after all' meant and reveling in the relative warmness. Squall was beside me, watching with an unreadable expression before he turned and entered his code. 

            As soon as the door closed, I began to strip, and there was a surprised yelp from behind me.

            "What are you _doing?"_ Leonhart was staring at me, and I felt myself grin before replying.

            "I'm covered in mud, so I'm taking a shower. Want to join me?" I leered at him, and he got even paler, if that was possible.

            "N-no." He stumbled over the words, torn between disbelief and shock. I frowned, and shrugged. It would have been nice, but…well, it was too much to expect. I wasn't even sure Squally _liked_ me. I mean, sure, he kissed me, and then responded when I kissed him, but this was _Leonhart_. There is no method to his madness; there isn't even a consistency in his pattern of thinking. The only surety was that if it involved interaction with more than one person, he was out.

            "Your loss," I told him, and his eyes widened.

"You were _serious?_" I fought the urge to laugh. 

"Of course I was. Hyne, Squall, do you remember any of what has happened lately?" He looked away, avoiding my gaze, and frowned. I sighed.

"Out _loud, _Squall." But he didn't reply, so I stepped closer, placing my hand on his shoulder.

I immediately jerked back. He was fucking _freezing_, and wet, too. It was a wonder he hadn't died of pneumonia, already. I started to shiver again.

"Squall!" I hissed, risking a small push at his shoulder, and he looked up, startled. 

"Huh?"

"Stay out of your head, or you'll catch a cold." Black gloves through dripping hair as he pulled it out of his eyes.

"I don't get sick." 

"Bullshit." _No one_ could not get sick in his condition. Underfed, soaking wet in three layers of clothes, freezing cold and getting colder, and still healing from past…injuries. He just scowled.

"I _don't_." 

I didn't have time for this, especially since I was even _colder_ now that I was half-naked. 

"If _you_ don't get sick, _I _will, so just try to stay in _this_ world_,_ okay?" He seemed to consider this for a moment, and then, to my complete surprise, nodded. I thanked whatever gods were listening.

I threw my wet clothes on the table, and Squall's mouth twitched, but he didn't say anything, instead following me as I walked to the bathroom. We stopped at the door. Leonhart made as if to walk around to the bedroom, but I grabbed his arm.

"Nuh-uh, you're coming in with me." Like hell I was going to leave him _alone_ after that little freak-out at the plateau. Squall didn't seem to agree.

"I said 'no'."

"Well, _I_ said yes, and unless-" Threats are _not_ going to help now, Seifer. I sighed, running a hand through my hair; it was starting to fall into my eyes without the gel. Squall was glaring at me, subtly trying to pull out of my grasp. Deep breath.

"You don't have to join me in the shower, Leonhart," I told him in my best 'you're an idiot for thinking that' voice (even though I had hoped he would), "I just don't want to leave you…alone, right now." I could still feel the bandages beneath the soaked leather, and red words flickered across my sight. I closed my eyes to rid myself of them.

"Besides, you need to change the bandages as soon as possible. They're probably drenched." His eyes flickered, and shoulders slumped in surrender. He looked at the floor, and I pulled him into the bathroom, grinning.

"And I don't care what you say; get out of those wet clothes."

I had absolutely no shame. 

Squall:

            I had no idea what was going on.

            Why had I kissed Seifer? Why had he kissed _me_? Why did he _care_ if I got sick; if my bandages were wet? Why was he being nice, and treating me like his friend? Why was he _hitting_ on me?

            Everyone knew Seifer was bi, but that doesn't mean you hit on everything in sight. I mean, _Seifer_ hit on everything in sight, but never me. So what was going on? He was still a bastard, but whenever anything besides him threatened my health he got all…weird. 

            He had been getting nicer as time passed, though, and he'd gone out into the storm with me. The shower thing, too, but…he treated me like a child. Was this just flirting? Power-tripping? Did he actually _like_ me?

            My clothes were suffocating me, clinging wetly to my skin like a thousand hands. I hastily ripped off my gloves, jacket and t-shirt, wincing as Griever's frozen roar touched my wet flesh, but I left him on.

            I never took Griever off; never. It was something from my forgotten past, a memory carved in steel. It remembered what I could not, withstood the passing of time and collected the past in its shining silver eyes. I sighed, grasping the jagged cross and leaning against the bathroom wall. 

            Seifer was a shadow behind he shower curtain, and I fought the urge to peek around it. Something _weird_ was going on, here, and I wasn't sure what to do about it. If I _did_ like him, as Shiva seemed to think, what made me think that he liked me back? What if it was all a joke, and I just got hurt again? But what if it wasn't, and someone _did_ care about me, and I was letting it pass by with every second?

            Was I gay? Bi? Really confused?

            Definitely that last one. I'd never really been attracted to _anyone_ before. I'd never had time, and now…every time Seifer got near me, things got weird. I didn't abhor his touch; in fact…I kind of liked it. Kissing him was scary, but exciting at the same time.

            He had been extremely patient with me, too, and unless I was mistaken he had sung to me. No one had _ever_ heard Seifer sing. I knew because in one of our classes it had been Nida's birthday, and he had begged to be sung Happy Birthday to.

            …Nida. What about Nida? Seifer seemed to really like Nida, but then he had been so cold whenever Nida hit on him. Would that happen to me? Would I be left in the mud if someone else came along?

            And there was this whole…thing with the Doom spell. Seifer, despite his position on the Disciplinary Committee, was notorious for his sexual promiscuity. What if he was just frustrated for lack of sex? He had certainly been quick enough to choose Nida over me. What if…?

            I growled, deep in my throat, and squeezed my eyes shut. What if? _What if_? What if, what if, _what if_!? There were so many questions, and not enough answers, and all these feelings clouded up my reasoning.[2] My fingers curled tightly in on themselves, and the metal of my ring pressed into my palm. 

            I _hated_ confusion, I hated feelings. I wanted to be sure of something for once; I wanted Seifer to tell me what he was thinking. If he were interested, would I want to be with him? Would I want to be his _boyfriend_? Why was I even thinking this? I wasn't even sure I was gay, yet.

            _What was going on?_ My teeth ground against each other, and I felt my muscles bunch, followed the pounding urge to _hit_ something. My fist lashed out, slamming into the wall beside me, resulting in a series of crunches. I was fairly sure one of them was my hand, if the blinding pain meant anything. Despite my best efforts, I hissed in discomfort, pulling my fist to my chest and cradling it. The side was bright red, going purple, and it ached horribly. The male 'hit first and think later' instinct really sucked.

            "Leonhart, _what_ are you doing?" When had Seifer gotten out of the shower? I frowned, pulling my fist closer to me. Things never seemed to go my way.

            "Thinking," I told him, trying to avoid the emerald gaze as I hid behind my hair. There was an exasperated sigh from somewhere above, and Seifer descended into my line of sight. I gulped.

            He was wearing a towel, and not much else. This wasn't helping the situation, and neither was the pain in my hand. Was it broken or something? I flexed my fingers experimentally, and tried not to wince. Not a good sign.

            Warm hands were on my skin then, but there was no urge to pull away. Just a small twinge in my stomach, like a million butterflies were fluttering around in there. 

            Uh-oh.

            Seifer pulled my left arm towards him, eyes unreadable. I looked away when he started to unwrap the bandage that still adorned my skin; I didn't want to see what I had done.

            "You were supposed to change this when I was in the shower, Leonhart," he was saying, peeling off the soaked cloth with gentile fingers. My flesh was damp and chilled, yet fire flared at his touch, stirring the butterflies that had taken up residence in my stomach. Shiva smiled from behind the glass wall. I scowled as the last bit of bandage came undone, pulling my arm back and standing up. Green eyes flashed with confusion, and I sighed.

            "Leave it off," I told Seifer as he stood up as well, "I'll…I'm going to take a shower. You can put the clean one on…after." What was wrong with me? Why was I tripping over words? White teeth flashed in a smile of…relief? No. My eyes were playing tricks on me. 

I shook my head, pulling my feet up to unstrap my boots. They fell to the tile with a heavy clatter of metal and leather, followed by my socks and numerous belts. Seifer's sight lingered on my pants, and I couldn't help but smile as I stepped into the shower to finish stripping.

"Spoilsport," he muttered from the other side of the curtain, and I threw the pants over the divider, and there was a satisfactory yelp that meant they'd hit their mark. I wasn't wearing underwear; they were uncomfortable with leather, so I started the shower, hoping Seifer wouldn't comment on the lack of undergarments. He didn't.

I usually take cold showers; ice cold, but that would defeat the purpose right now. The water was already scalding with Seifer's choice of temperature, so I just left it alone, closing my eyes and enjoying the feel of warm water on cold skin. Shiva recoiled on her side of the ice, disappearing with a small smile so that I knew she was not upset, only uncomfortable in the warmth that would be pointless for her to counteract.

I closed my eyes and sighed, placing both hands on either side of the showerhead and letting the water cascade through my hair. All of my questions drifted away for a moment, along with my worries and fears and discomforts. There was only the warmth and the small rustling of cloth that was Seifer shifting on the other side of the curtain. 

I didn't remember my attempted suicide until I opened my eyes to stare directly at the cuts. They were angry and red in the heat, flames against my skin, and I remembered the words that had flashed through my mind not two nights ago, scarlet and maddening, warped silver and red in my skin, drawn with insanity and poison steel.

I pushed against the wall, trying to escape my own arm, slipped on the slick porcelain. I hit the back wall with a choked sob, and familiar white lights dances before my eyes, unaccompanied by the usual darkness. I slid slowly to the floor, and a shadow loomed behind the curtain.

"Squall? Are you okay?" He sounded worried, torn between the urge to check on me and the knowledge that I would kill him if he looked at my naked. I rubbed my sore back.

"I'm fine," I whispered over the hiss of the shower, "I just-" hate myself for doing this to myself. For doing this to you, "slipped." I could practically _feel_ him frown.

"…all right," a pause, and the shadow receded, "hurry up, though. You've been in there forever. I nodded, though he couldn't see, and quickly washed my hair and skin, turning off the water. Then I paused. I didn't have a towel or anything. Shit.

"Uh…" I stopped, embarrassed. Since when did I get embarrassed? I glared and nothing in particular, before shoving my hand out of the shower and beckoning to where I though Seifer was.

"I need a towel," I commanded in my best 'don't screw with me' voice. Seifer ignored it, though, like he always did. He handed me a washcloth.

"Oh, _funny_." It was, sort of. But I wasn't going to admit that. 

"What? I'm not joking. There's nothing else out here." I groaned, massaging my eyes with my free hand.

"Then give me yours."

"What? Then _I'll_ be naked!"

"Better you than me. Hand it over." I wasn't going to smile.

"You just want to see me naked." He accused, and I sighed.

"_Seifer._" 

"Fine." A towel was thrust into my hand; _not_ the one Seifer had been wearing, I noticed, "ruin _all_ my fun," he grumbled half-heartedly. I felt guilty as soon as he said that. After all; he was right. Everything he wanted to do, he couldn't because of me, but he still did the things I wanted to.

"Sorry," I whispered, as I dried myself off and wrapped the cloth around my waist. I _was_ no fun, and I knew it. How could Seifer ever be interested in me? 

There was a snort from the other side.

"I was _kidding_, Squally," I ignored the nickname, "Hyne, it's not like you're the last person I'd ever want to be around." I stepped out of the shower, avoiding his gaze, and fingers wrapped around my left arm. He pulled me towards him, wrapping his arms around my shoulders and waist, his chin in my hair. I didn't try to get away.

"You're one of the few people I consider worthy of my time," his voice was a low whisper, and I let myself relax, if only for a moment, "not to mention the fact that you're one of the few who can even put up a semblance of a fight when it comes to dueling," he pulled me closer, one hand reaching a little further down than I could deal with. I pushed away, and Seifer left go of everything but my arm, which I didn't look at. He was smiling. I rolled my eyes

"You'd hit on anything with two legs," I told him, "and probably even some with four, if they looked at you right." I wished he wouldn't play these games with me; they only confused me more. Seifer laughed, reaching over to the sink for the clean bandage. I moved closer so that he could put it on, but that proved to be a really stupid move. 

As soon as I did that, he stood up, capturing my other arm and pressing me against the opposite wall. I struggled for a moment, trapped against cold tile and warm flesh, trying to get free, until he leaned forward to press a kiss against my jaw line, and then against my neck. I relaxed, almost against my will, and his hands slid up my arms to cup my face. He stared into my eyes, and I tried to turn away; I hated it when people looked at me, especially when they were so close. He wouldn't let me though, and I scowled, eliciting a lazy smile.

"I'm serious about you, though," he whispered, his fingers wandering back down my arms and massaging the muscles lightly before ghosting over my stomach. I hissed at the touch, tensing my muscles, and he stopped moving, both hands staying splayed just over my abdomen.

"I want to tame the Lion," I gave a nervous laugh at this, and tried to push him away, not liking these strange emotions he evoked. Seifer wouldn't move, though, instead leaning down to kiss the point where shoulder and neck converged. Despite my best efforts, my breath hitched, and I didn't know if I could take much more. 

He seemed to sense this, taking a step back and looking at me seriously.

"Besides, Leonhart; you really need to get laid, and I'm going to be the one to do it; end of conversation." I scowled, but didn't pull out of his grasp. I wasn't sure I could. 

What was happening to me? _Why_ was this happening? Why was I not horrified at the very idea of sleeping with Seifer? Why did it instead seem…exciting? 

I sighed, wishing I could just be alone again. Things would be so much less…complicated. I didn't have to _feel_ back then. I could just sit around and be no one. 

But Seifer offered me something unheard of before. He was the closest thing I'd had to a friend in a long time, and…

I sighed, suddenly tired of thinking. Whatever happened happened. I'd go along with it, just for a while, to see how it went. Things seemed pretty determined to screw up my life as it was, and there didn't seem to be much I could do about it. If Seifer really was serious, and if he didn't prove to be just another person here to try and break me…

Well, we'd see how things went. Shiva would always be there if I needed to escape. 

I looked up at Seifer, who was watching me; still holding my arm.

"Whatever." I wasn't even sure I wanted him. I'd have to figure _that_ out before things went much further. He grinned, as if he knew what I was thinking, and pulled me towards the sink.

"That's what I thought. Now come here; I have to change the bandage." I sighed and stepped forward warily, but he seemed to be done trying to molest me. Ointment was rubbed gently into my skin as I looked elsewhere, to be covered in crisp white bandage. Seifer's hand lingered on my arm.

"Okay, Squall, all done." I looked back at my arm, taking in the neat coils of cloth. He tugged on my fingers, and I pulled them out of his grasp, bringing my arm closer to cross it over my chest. Seifer ran a hand through his hair; released from the gel to hang limply around his face. I had to stop myself from reaching out to touch it; it looked so much softer, and made him look a lot less…harsh. More gentile; more beautiful. 

I was _so_ gay.

Seifer raised an eyebrow when I brought my hand to my forehead with a groan, but he didn't say anything about it. Instead, he stepped around me and opened the door. 

"C'mon, Squally," he called, "Even though I love the whole toga party we have going on, we really need to get dressed. Raj and Fuj wanted to go fishing."

Fishing? I'd never been fishing. I wasn't entirely certain I'd ever _wanted_ to go fishing. He seemed to understand my hesitation, which was weird. Everyone else always seemed to think I was ignoring them.

"We don't have to go, if you'd rather not…" Seifer sounded disappointed, and I immediately decided against staying here. It wouldn't kill me; and he wanted to do it. I shrugged.

"Whatever. I'll go." 

He smiled, and something melted in me. _Stop it._ I told whatever-it-was firmly, and followed Seifer into our room, pulling my clothes out of the bedside table as he did the same. 

The _last_ thing I needed was to get all emotional around him. Emotion was not something I wanted to reacquaint myself with; I needed to stay focused; distant.

Which was _really_ hard to do with Shiva giggling in my head like that.

****

End Chapter 10 

[1] Final Fantasy VII plug! Squee for Vincent!

[2] 'Yeah, they cloud up my reasoning! And I know that I still believe that ignorance is my best defense, so go on; wreck me. Funny, how I carry on and not be taken over, I will not roll over on anyone, 'cause anyone would stand up on my side. If you want you can get to know me, well, we get along so we shouldn't argue…' That was Rob Thomas, with 'Argue' ladies and…well, I'm pretty sure this is just ladies. But if there are any guys reading this…uh…hi?

It is a well-known fact that you cannot wear leather pants and underwear without looking funny, which Squall most certainly does not. So the only solution is that he doesn't wear underwear. Try not to think too hard on this.

Read?

Review!


	11. Shimmering Green and Soothing

See first chapter for details.

Sorry this took so long. Erg.

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**A Fate Worse Than Death**

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**Chapter 11**

Squall:

            Fishing, as it turned out, was fun. Sort of. 

It started out all right, anyway, but things went downhill when Raijin actually caught something, and then dropped it on the deck, right next to Seifer.

            Who promptly stepped on it. 

            And it was thus that I found myself in the hallway, walking to our dorm, and straining to keep an injured Seifer upright. He was very heavy, especially when soaking wet, and I had a sneaking suspicion that he was leaning on me a bit more than was necessary. 

The suspicion was confirmed when he started licking my neck, the hand not slung around my shoulders inching up under my shirt to caress my stomach. I tired to glare at him, but he wouldn't let me turn my head. 

"Seifer," I growled, hoping he'd get the message. Needless to say, he didn't, and only tickled my stomach in response. I hissed, lost my balance, and fell sideways, crumpling under his weight.

"Shit, Leonhart! I'm injured, here!" 

            Bastard.

            I didn't bother to grace that with a response, and shoved him off of me, glaring full force. He had the sense to wince. 

            "I was _trying_ to help you, but in order to do so you need to stop trying to have sex with me in the hallway, Almasy." He grinned infuriatingly, crawling to where I sat.

            "But you're so pretty," he whined, hand reaching up to cup my face, and I tried to crawl backwards, but couldn't.

            Stupid walls.

            "How can you blame me for wanting to touch you?" He was leaning closer, now, lips hovering inches away. I wasn't sure what was going on, and was even less sure of what I wanted to do about it. Emeralds glowed from beneath golden lashes, spiky with ocean water. Everything smelt faintly of fish.

            "You're injured, Seifer," I reminded him, indicating to the sprained ankle, "You're in no shape to seduce _anyone_, least of all me." He didn't move, though; remaining half-rested on my legs, chin on my chest. Did pain make people act this weird? I couldn't hurt _that_ much. The lazy grin remained on his features.

            "C'mon, Squally, you know you want me. I'm just cold, and for the first time in forever, you're warm." Arms were wrapped around my waist, and lips pressed once again against my throat. For some inane reason, I didn't want to move. Hyne, I hated hormones.

            Regardless of my body's opinion, I pushed Seifer off of me, climbing to my feet. He frowned up at me from the floor. I sighed.

            "All right," I gave in, "Just keep off of me until we get back to the dorm, and then you can…" I frowned, not wanting to say it. This was too weird. Why was I feeling like this? What was it about Seifer? He was an asshole, the Energizer Bunny of sex [1], and I hated him. Right?

            …

            No. Not anymore. Now…now I was his friend, and vice versa. And apparently more. I shrugged, leaning down and clasping his hand. I gave a heave, dragged him to his feet, and situated myself so that I was once more supporting him.

            "And I can…?" Seifer prompted, leaning around to look at me with a lecherous grin.

            "Go fuck yourself," I finished sourly, and the hand around my waist tightened. Seifer sighed, leaning closer, and all thoughts of sex seemed to disappear from his features.

            "Hold you, right?" He asked softly, and I blinked, taken aback by this sudden change in attitude. This was just weird, that Seifer wanted things like that from me; that he seemed perfectly content with no sex, with just being near me.

            What made _me_ so special? Why was I the one he felt so attracted to, when every girl and the occasional male in this school would sleep with him in a heartbeat? 

            Whatever. I didn't care what it was that made me different, so long as I was. Strange as it was to admit it, I liked Seifer, and I _was_ gay (apparently), and being held by him didn't sound as bad as it once had. 

            I gave a soft sigh, shifting so as to better balance his weight.

            "Yeah," I avowed, starting to walk again, "you can…hold me."

3rd Person:

Seifer hit the bed with a groan, glaring up at Squall, who didn't have the energy to glare back. He stood to one side, his breathing labored, and the blonde mock-pouted.

            "C'mon, Leonhart. I'm not _that_ fat." He whined, moving so as to give his companion room to sit. The gesture, however, went unnoticed, or perhaps ignored. Either way, Squall didn't move; legs splayed to keep him upright.

            "No," he confirmed, "You're all muscle, which is even _heavier_." Green eyes were rolled at this response, and a gloved hand reached for the brunette.

            "You promised," Seifer reminded him with a grin, and the pale youth gave a small frown, and then shrugged in defeat. He fell onto the mattress, arms flung outwards as he stared at the ceiling. Sound caught his attention, and Squall turned.

            The blonde was removing his trench coat and blue vest, dumping them off the side of the bed before turning back to his companion. An arm snaked over pale skin, curling around and under as he pulled the Lion closer and the other hand went to Seifer's mouth, where he tugged off the glove with his teeth. The naked hand then glided over alabaster features, through the silken silver-brown hair, and Squall let himself relax, just a little. Seifer smiled. 

            "See?" He whispered, inching closer, "It's not so bad to be touched." Golden fingers slid across darkened eyelids, smoothing out small creases that hadn't been there a few days before, then down the smooth arch of Squall's nose, where they lingered over soft lips. 

            Squall was tired, mortally tired. Seifer could see it now, in the way there was no resistance, no glare at his intrusions. This whole situation was having more of a toll on the young man than had he realized. The blonde sighed, and dropped his hand. He wouldn't take advantage of this, not now. 

            The gloveless hand went instead to the brunette's chest, where it proceeded to pull off the bomber jacket, and then the gloves. Squall only sighed, and Seifer frowned. He should be dead, for touching the Lion like that, but all that resulted was a _sigh_? Poor kid. 

Sitting up, Seifer next stripped off the combat boots, and then the socks, watching as the too-pretty feet curled in on themselves from the sudden cold. He resisted the urge to tickle them. 

When he was done down there, he lay back down, not even considering removing the leather pants. Strong arms went around the slender waist once more, and Seifer snuggled closer, careful not to jar his ankle. After they'd rested, he would talk to Squall.

            In two hours time Squall had woken up once more, but this wasn't unusual. Erratic insomnia had plagued him for the better part of his life; gone some nights only to return full-force the next. It was nightmares that kept him from sleeping, that kept him hidden inside his mind surrounded by diamonds that glittered with Shiva's calming smile. 

And it was so once more. The brunette sat upright, staring out of the window lit by neon glow with unseeing eyes. 

            _Ah, my Lion, it has been so long,_ a sigh of wintery breezes behind the ice-blue orbs, and inside himself the slender youth smiled. Hands on familiar glass once more, his skin flushed in the cold.

Skin against his on the outside, and words muffled by a distance unseen to outsiders. Shiva smiled, the Ice Queen instead of the Frost Sprite; guardian instead of friend. 

_Already, he has done so much to change you,_ she murmured, pale skin glittering in the eternal sway of her body, _and you doubted my word, cubling. For shame; disbelief in your own deity._ Blue lips twitched in a smile, a slip in the ethereal mask, but Squall ignored it, as was expected of him.

_I,_ he began, attempting an explanation. But what was he supposed to tell her? He hadn't believed her at first, and well… Squall frowned. He still didn't believe her. This was just a weird phase…it had to be. 

Right?

Something curled around his waist, an imitation of entrapment, but there was no panic, no burning of his skin. At least, no _unpleasant_ burning of his skin. The brunette sighed.

No, this was not a phase. Whatever it was, 'phase' was not a correct term. It seemed that he had been correct on the plateau, when the rain and the thunderstorms had tricked him into realizing the truth, the truth that Seifer…wasn't as bad as he seemed. 

Squall's frown deepened. He hated to admit it, but to be completely honest, he sort of…

_You want to kiss him again…_It was almost taunting, sing-song and lighthearted on the other side of the ice, and the brunette glared at his goddess. 

Or he would have, had he not started to fall backwards, arms clamped to his sides by some unknown force. It didn't even occur to the youth to struggle, only to open his eyes, and find himself staring into a sea of green and gold. 

Lips were pressed against his own, a tongue against his teeth, and more through instinct that actual admittance, Squall opened his mouth and allowed it to enter. He _felt_ Seifer smile, and push closer, crushing him into the mattress as his lips were bruised with the force of the kiss. The tongue in his mouth slid further, almost to the back of his throat, pressed against the roof and the caverns of his mouth, and the brunette felt his body arch in an attempt to get closer. 

The butterflies had returned, wings fluttering against his stomach, and his skin burned with pleasure; so different from the pain before. He couldn't move, couldn't breathe, but he also didn't want to. 

Then cool hands were on his stomach, caressing the taut skin and sliding upwards, calluses eliciting delicious sensations on the sensitive flesh. Squall's breathing was suddenly labored, heaving as Seifer's lips left his own to map the pale throat and nip at the collarbone that rose and fell sharply as he gasped.

Fire raced through his nerves, running down to the hands that splayed over his chest, dancing over his nipples, and the heat continued down, much further down.

"Seifer…" Squall gasped; pushing at the other man, "Seifer, stop…" he hadn't expected it to work. Truth be told, the brunette had almost expected the taller man to rape him right there, but he didn't. The hands stopped, the lips pulled back, and the butterflies slept once more. He could breathe again, and glare.

He took advantage of both opportunities, but the other man only smiled lazily, and shrugged in that arrogant way that only he could do.

"What?" he asked, all innocence, "You went all cold again, and wouldn't respond when I called, so I had to try…" he paused, "…something else." He finished with a wink, all previous worries about the younger man seemingly forgotten, and winced a bit as he shifted from his position above Squall.

Concern flashed through the brunette for Seifer's ankle, followed closely by anger at his actions. Then lust, and concern again. Anger, lust. Concern. Lust. Anger. Lust. Lust. Lust.

_Stop it._ Squall reprimanded himself, and took a shuddering breath. Before he could say anything (which was just was well, since had had nothing to say), Seifer spoke again.

"Anyway, I just thought I'd tell you that I need to go to the bathroom, and I still can't walk," he moved to the edge of the bed, looking over his shoulder at the scowling teen, "care to join me?" Squall's scowl deepened.

"I hate you," It didn't even sound convincing to himself, and Seifer only smiled again, leaning back to press another quick kiss against soft lips.

"Oh, I doubt that," he whispered, his voice suddenly free of all mockery, "now come here and help me to the bathroom, Squally-boy." He beckoned, lecherous grin returning full force.

Seifer:

            So I was a bastard; what else is new? I knew I was screwing with his mind, confusing him beyond repair, but my body didn't seem to listen to my conscience's weak protests; choosing instead to jump on Squall at every opportunity. 

            I hadn't forgotten my observation, though. I knew how tired the boy was, and how much this drained him, and I had come to the decision that I was going to help him. 

By falling in love with him. 

            I mean, it wasn't as if I wasn't already halfway there. I was certainly attracted to Leonhart, and he was also one of the few people that managed to make me feel pity and guilt and all those other (usually annoying) feelings. So, trying not to drag us both to the floor as I limped to the bathroom with Squall as my crutch, I attempted to figure out how the _hell_ I was going to get the Ice Prince to return my feelings. 

            And got nothing. How did you melt a glacier with only a small lighter, or crack an icy heart without shattering it completely? This was definitely _not _going to be easy; it would be a very precise operation, either complete failure or complete mental breakdown on Squally-boy's part. But it would be worth it, assuming I did it right.

            Blue eyes watched me critically as I thought, glowing with some unknown and rare expression. I felt myself shifted with a tiny movement of the strong arms; far stronger than anyone would have guessed when taking into consideration the size of the guy. 

            "You're being quiet." It was quiet itself, a whisper all that was needed to propel the words the short distance between us. Yet Squall looked suspicious, eyebrows drawn sharply together in an image that contradicted the intimacy of the moment. I grinned, knowing it drove him insane, but tried to soften it at the same time. The scowl didn't change, no increase or decrease. Better than nothing.

            "Just thinking," I sighed, leaning against his unusual warmth as he reached for the bathroom door. I didn't want him to let me go, as girly as that sounded. The arm around my waist kept slipping lower (with some assistance, of course), and my mind was hard-pressed to keep to clean thoughts. I'd lost count of how many days I'd been practicing abstinence.

            Then, quite suddenly, all support was gone, and an explosion in my ankle and small white aftershocks across my vision resulted from the unexpected loss.

            _Fuck, _my ankle hurt!

 I turned on Leonhart, my hands clutching at the doorframe. 

            "What the _he_-" 

The sentence was abruptly cut off as I stared, curiosity replacing anger and pain. Squall was staring at me, horror written in wide blue-grey eyes and parted lips. Slender hands on my shoulders, hips, traveling down to gently caress my ankle, shimmering green and soothing. I sighed blissfully, and then winced when I tried to move my injured limb. Leonhart hissed.

"I'm sorry," he apologized hurriedly, "I lost my grip, and…your ankle." The brief lethargy of another Cure [2], and he grabbed my arm and helped me to my feet, "Are you okay? Does it hurt?" The concern was gone, at least in appearance, and was replaced by an analytical seriousness. I ignored the question, focusing more on bare skin against mine and the cool fingers gripping my hipbones. My hand, of its own accord, slid down the exposed line of his spine. I felt Squall stiffen in surprise, and then relax when the gentile touches were replaced by a more substantial palm, running across pale flesh. 

"I'm fine," I told the curve of his neck, enjoying the near-taste of his skin, so close to my mouth. Silver-brown hair shifted as he looked at me sidelong, his own hand tightening on my waist. 

Then I remembered exactly how badly I had to piss. A swift touch of my lips against his jaw line, and I hopped into the bathroom, trusting Squall to remain just outside the door or face certain suffocation.

There was no tug in my mind, no cough from outside, and in a few moments I reemerged, grasping at walls and any solid objects capable of carrying my weight in the stead of my leg. 

I had almost begun to resent being injured until those hands wrapped once more around my waist, and Leonhart helped Poor Wounded Me back to bed. A brief concern over my comfort, and then he was next to me, back facing my front as per usual, perhaps a bit closer than strictly necessary. He didn't object when I pulled him closer, arm wrapped tightly around his waist.

But then, he never did.

Morning saw me awake once more, two days from rejoining my peers in class and smelling of fish. I hated that smell. Looking to Squall, I was surprised to find that he was still asleep; legs curled up against his stomach and head tucked into his chest. My hand was clutched in his. 

I didn't want to disturb him, but the fish smell was getting out of hand, and I desperately needed a shower. I leaned over the boy, pulling my hand out of his to shake him gently. He groaned, muttered something that sounded like 'sex'. 

So, never one to disappoint, I rolled him onto his back and proceeded to press kisses down his nose, then to his lips, his throat and over his exposed chest.

Leonhart shot upright, hands warding me away from his body as he was shaken from his sleep. The first thing he did when he looked at me was glare. 

"What are you doing?" He demanded, voice flat and just a little strained. I felt a smile pull at my lips, and shuffled closer, liking the feel of his skin against mine. He watched me warily, but didn't move. Good.

"_You_ were the one who said 'sex'," I pointed out, deliberately ignoring the large voice of reason that denied this. You'd think someone would remember asking for that. Squall apparently didn't, however, eyes narrowing dangerously.

"I said 'a sec'." He didn't look amused. 

"Well, then you need to speak more clearly," I informed him, just a little disappointed. I really wanted to have sex. 

"Well _you_," Leonhart's annoyed look disappeared as he cocked his head to the side, and the urge to molest him resurfaced. I controlled it. Barely.

"Need a _shower,_" he finished, taking a deep breath, "you smell like fish."

Oh, yeah. 

"Right," I agreed, suddenly all-too-aware of the overpowering smell, "Help me?" 

I usually hated to have to ask for help. It was stupid, and I was always capable of doing things myself, most often better than anyone else could. Something about Squall changed that, though. Asking him for help wasn't that bad, because he wouldn't gloat about it, or take advantage of my weakness. Though, I sort of wished he would. 

He sighed, and slid off of the bed before he turned and beckoned. I acquiesced to his command, sliding to the edge of the bed and placing my good leg on the floor. Arms around my waist again, pulling me to my feet. I didn't really want to ever get better. 

A few moments later, and we were in the bathroom, Squall sliding to the floor while I stripped, his head on his knees. I was a bit disappointed that he wasn't watching, but I also wasn't so mean as to try to make him. Even I had _some_ tact.

It took a few moments of calculating, but I was finally able to get myself into the shower without hurting anything. The shampoo was a welcome relief from the fish smell, and I lathered my hair happily from where I sat at the bottom of the shower, even more happily running the soap over my body and effectively ridding myself of the smell. I struggled to my feet, turned the shower off, and stuck my hand out of the shower.

I didn't even have to say anything before a towel was placed in my fingers, and I wrapped it around myself and slid out of the shower. Squall was standing uncertainly by the sink, eyes focused on something I couldn't see, just over my shoulder. I shuffled over and poked his chest, watching the stormy eyes settle on my face. I smiled down at him.

"Your turn," I indicated to the shower, "You smell kinda like fish too." He frowned.

"Only because you were clinging to me," he said, though it was more a statement than an accusation. I shrugged.

"Doesn't change the fact that it still smells like a sushi bar in here." The frown deepened, and it was then that I noticed how his left arm was hidden carefully behind his back, a tiny bit of bandage showing on the upper arm. I met Leonhart's gaze, despite his attempts to avoid mine, and reached forward to tug on the arm. He glared, and I sighed.

I almost wanted to ask him why he did things like this if he hated the aftereffects so much. Was he just upset because he was still alive? Did he think he was incompetent for failing to…kill himself? I ignored the memories that were resurfacing, instead pulling the arm forward and starting to unwrap the bandages. Squall looked distinctly uncomfortable. He shifted sideways, eyes flickering uneasily from his arm to my face.

"Ah..." Leonhart protested, but that seemed to be all he could say. I frowned.

"You'll have to see it someday," I reminded him, trying not to remember why he had the scars. It was useless, though. Why would anyone try to kill themselves? Was he really that unhappy with life? How could anyone want to die so much, but then hate the mark of the attempt? 

I should have been angry, should have yelled at him; asked him how death could be better than living. But instead I was just…depressed. I didn't want to ask him why. I didn't want to hear his answer, so instead I wrapped my arms around his pale torso, burying my face in his neck. The arm was dropped back to his side, bandages trailing the floor. 

Not for the first time, I vowed that I was going to make sure he never wanted to attempt such a thing again. He was going to fall in love with me, just as I was already…

Whoa. 

3rd Person:

            Seifer took a hurried step back, tripping over the smooth tile. When had he fallen in love with Squall? Sure, he'd said he was going to, silently promised the brunette that he would, but already? This soon? 

            How was that _possible_? No one was capable of convincing themselves of something _that_ fast. Unless…

            Had he already _been_ in love with Squall? Since when? Where?

            Seifer blinked, spiky lashes over emerald eyes, and felt himself take a deep breath. He knew 'when', and as to 'where'? Well, he was standing 'where'. It was here, in the bathroom, that it had happened. 

            But it had been a different bathroom. Red was white, now, and Squall was no longer in stark relief with the rest of the room. He was white, as was the tile. There was heat, not ice, and nothing was blurred by tears, diamond or otherwise. There was no blood.

            Squall was safe, and staring at him with a confused expression. Seifer smiled. 

            "Sorry," he apologized as he took a step forward to finish with the bandages, "I just…realized something." Squall didn't ask what. He never would. Instead, he let the other man unwrap the bandages and usher him into the shower stall. The pants were once again stripped off behind the shower curtain and dropped outside. 

            The shower was short this time, and icy cold. The scars were old, no longer angry and red, but a slight pink tinged with the rust of scabs, of healing. 

            The water was turned off, and Squall reached out of the shower for a towel. Seifer complied (with an actual towel this time) and the brunette stepped out from behind the curtain. 

            The tile was warm under his feet, the entire room full of a somewhat pleasant heat. Everything was so…routine, so comfortable. It was almost…

            Squall frowned. _Boring_. He'd never been bored before. Why would he be bored now?

            "What's wrong?" Seifer asked absently from where he lounged by the sink. Blue eyes met his, and he tried not to remember both their states of undress. A whisper of footsteps, and the brunette was next to him, looking up into green eyes.

            "Why am I bored?" It would have sounded childish with anyone else, or annoying. Now, however, it seemed serious, as if Squall really did not comprehend boredom. Seifer shrugged and swung an arm around the slim shoulders, almost smiling when the smaller man leaned almost undetectably closer.

            "Hell if I know," he admitted, and then smiled suggestively down at Squall, "do you want me to do something about it?" The only response was a roll of blue-grey eyes, and the brunette didn't speak again until they were in the bedroom clothing themselves.

            "We could go for a walk," Seifer turned to look at him, eyebrow raised. A frown appeared on pale lips.

            "Oh, yeah," he apologized, and there was another short period of silence, broken only by the rustle of clothing. 

            "Library?" It sounded casual, but the blonde detected a hint of pleading. 

Personally, he would rather shoot himself in the foot than go to the library. 

            "Sure," he approved, and was rewarded by a smile. 

            For some inane reason, that made the trip worth it. 

**End Chapter 11**

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[1] Apparently they have batteries in Balamb.

[2] I've decided (*dances with artistic license*) that Cure only fixes what is broken; skin, bones, blood vessels, muscles. It cannot fix what is only strained, or stretched, because then you would never gain muscle, because it would revert them back to their original form, and take away the buildup that results in pain and (in the long run) strength. Or something. The most it can do for those is to lessen the pain a bit. Not to mention the fact that they are using Cure, which only heals a tiny portion of injury.

 Erg…I don't post in forever, and this is all I have to show for it. I am sorry! Forgive me! *offers chocolate*

Ug. This chapter was weird, too. I keep feeling like there are inconsistencies in the patterns of thinking, and relapses and crap in the plot. Meh. Anyone else feeling that way? I need something dramatic to happen. Maybe I should bring in the other characters…Zell would be fun. Poor Squall, though. He is all confused. I'll have to re-read this thing.

Read?

Review!


	12. Shattered Reflections

See first chapter for details

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**A Fate Worse Than Death**

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**Chapter 12**

Seifer:

            "Woah! Long time no see, man!" 

            See Zell. See complete likeness to chicken. See Zell touch Squall. See red. Feel inexplicable urge to hurt something. Feel that best thing to hurt would probably be Zell. 

I could feel myself glaring, held back only by my injured ankle and the knowledge that Leonhart would probably kill me if I messed with his friends. I wasn't leaning on him any more, instead somehow managing to stay upright with only one foot. Hell if I was going to appear weak in public, though, and Squall probably wouldn't want to be seen voluntarily touching someone, anyway.

We'd left the library almost as soon as we got there. A few people had recognized me, thus leading to a multitude of girls being prettily worried and flocking around us both, leading to discomfort on my roommate's part and an unfamiliar sense of annoyance on mine. I was briefly puzzled (after all, I'd never minded being fussed over) until I realized that I was annoyed because Leonhart was uncomfortable. Figures.

He hadn't protested to leaving, hovering by my side much closer than was necessary when a few girls got it into their heads to flirt with him, but I wasn't complaining. I liked being close to Squall. 

Unfortunately, once we were out in the hall someone _else_ appeared, and I almost preferred the girls. Though I seriously doubted Zell would hit on Leonhart, but then again…

The blonde slapped an amiable hand on the Ice Prince's shoulder, smiling irritatingly. He was saying something about Selphie planning something for a pen pal who was supposed to be visiting from another Garden, and she was wondering if Squall wanted to maybe meet him, and had asked Zell to ask Squall since they were roommates, but then when Zell said that they weren't Selphie got all curious as to why, and he realized that he didn't know either and what was up with that? He thought they were friends? As was usual, the blonde would accentuate his remarks with the occasional punch, which I found extremely distracting. So engrossed I was in wanting to see how well his multitude of hairspray held up to a fist to the face that I missed Squall's reply. Not that it was hard, considering his preference for monosyllabic sentences.

Suddenly I was pinned by bright blue eyes, and Zell was staring at me. He was standing perfectly still for a change, mouth slightly agape.

"_Seifer?_" Disbelief evident in his voice. For a fleeting moment, I wondered what Squall had said [1], before giving the Chicken my very best 'you are an idiot' smile.

"The one and only," I affirmed, and the blonde shot Squall an astounded glance. 

"You have to stay within five feet of _him_? Hyne, Squall, I'd sooner kill myself." I grimaced, but Leonhart miraculously managed his usual unemotional façade, "It's actually…not _that_ bad, around Seifer," he said, appearing to forget the fact that I was standing three feet to his left, "He isn't always an asshole." Understatement, much? Hyne, you'd think I went around slaughtering people or something, given how people tended to react to me. Zell was blinking, having obvious trouble processing this information, and I cleared my throat, sick of being ignored.

"Hey," I said, nudging Squall in the ribs, "guess who can hear every word you're saying," a quick flicker of blue-grey, and then all attention was once more focused on the blonde in front of us, who was talking again.

"…under a freaking mind-control spell," Zell was muttering to no one in particular, and I frowned, about to violently protest before he apparently noticed this and held up his hands in a hasty attempt to ward me off, "But, hey, man, not like I know anything, right? I'm just saying it's weird, is all. Acting all buddy-buddy. Thought you guys hated each other. Anyway," he switched tracks so fast I almost fell over, but then again, that just might have been the strain of standing on one foot. Squall shifted as if to help me steady myself, but then seemed to think better of it. This gesture was not lost on Zell, his mouth opening and closing silently like a fish before a glare from the Lion got him talking again.

I almost preferred the silence. A frustrated sigh was fighting itself up from my chest, and I really wanted to leave. I didn't have the energy to hurt the damn Chicken-Wuss right now. It was kind of depressing, actually, but the thought of being alone with Squall as an alternative went a long way towards cheering me up.

"…supposed to take you to Selphie if I find you. She's been worried sick, says 'Squall isn't the type to skip class or town, and he's been gone, like, for years!'" This was accompanied by a fairly convincing high-pitched squeal, and I was briefly impressed by Zell's ability to impersonate a girl.

On second thought, no I wasn't.

"Whatever," Leonhart agreed, and then started to follow the blonde, stopping for a bit to let me catch up. I frowned; _so much for alone time_. I guess I'd just have to put up with the speed freak and the chicken for awhile. 

Then again, the realization that I was coming to enjoy 'along time' spoke volumes of exactly how much time I'd been spending around Squall. With a brief grunt as I forgot I was wounded, I half-hopped towards the brunette, reaching out to sling an arm around his shoulders. He made as if to push me off, but I stooped so that I was level with his face.

"Nu-uh," I said, glaring at the tattooed freak when he cast us an astonished look, "If I gotta put up with your friends, you gotta put up with me," I had absolutely no problem with people knowing about anything or anyone I might be interested in, but apparently Squall did. Pale lips were tugged downwards in a scowl, and I almost regretted saying that as he opened his mouth. Wasn't I supposed to be trying to be nice or something? 

Squall sighed, seeming to reconsider whatever he'd wanted to say. I felt an arm wrap around my waist, and managed not to look surprised.

"Then limp." He commanded, managing a glare out of the corner of his eye, "convincingly." I smiled, straightening and letting my ankle protest as I walked.

"Whatever you say, baby," I yielded with a wink, and my roommate rolled his eyes. 

I was definitely making progress.

3rd Person:

            Zell didn't really want to think about what was going on. He knew Seifer was bisexual; he'd never bothered to keep it a secret. Most people accepted the fact, whether they wanted to or not, or faced a very angry Almasy. The martial artist had never had a problem with the other blonde's preferences, so long as he didn't hit on him. That would have been really…uncomfortable, considering that Zell thought of Seifer as something a bit like an extremely annoying older brother.

            It was Squall that surprised him. He'd never known the brunette to care if the older teen might be hurt, to ever feel the urge to help him. The Lion just wasn't the hero type; he expected everyone to take care of themselves and leave him to do the same. It took a lot to move the stoic boy to help others simply because he wanted to. 

            Apparently Seifer had the requirements, because there was Squall, walking behind Zell with his arm around what could be questionably called the most irritating egotist in Garden. Maybe he just didn't want to face whatever would happen if Seifer fell behind, or something like that. It's not like he was in love with Almasy, right?

            _Right, _Zell concluded with a nod. _It would be way too weird for Squall to show that sort of emotion. It'd be like…the end of the world or somethin'. Though…_Another glance behind him, and the blonde felt his eyes widen. It was a great act of will that kept his mouth firmly shut and his feet moving when faced with what he saw. 

            Seifer was leaning on the brunette, his mouth only inches from the smaller boy's ear as he whispered something. Zell expected the Lion to kick him, or drop him, or at the very least _glare_, but he did none of these. Instead, he merely rolled his eyes, hand not leaving the older boy's waist. The blonde bladesman gave a satisfied smirk and straightened; a limp previously unnoticeable now firmly in place. The martial artist's eyes narrowed, but he said nothing and turned just in time to avoid running into a wall. 

            Running a self-conscious hand through his strange hair, the blonde led the other two the rest of the way in relative silence, inexplicably relieved when he saw Selphie traipsing around in the Quad. Maybe _she'd_ know what to make of this. 

            "_Wow_! Squall!" There was a blur of yellow, and a slim brunette with green eyes stood before the two behind Zell, her hands clasped behind her back as she smiled happily, bouncing a bit on her toes. 

            "It's been, like, forever! You know? I haven't seen you _anywhere_, and then Zell said that you weren't room mates, and he didn't even know why!" All of this was said in a rush, but Squall said nothing, only watched the small girl with an apathetic expression, and then removed his hand from Seifer's waist, who took the hint and rather reluctantly pulled his arm from the slim shoulders. Selphie's eyes narrowed.

            "Why is Seifer here? Are you two…?" She let the question trail off, cowering a bit under an icy glare from the other brunette. Her sudden silence was over in a flash, though, and she cocked her head at the tall blonde.

            "So, yeah." Green eyes narrowed a bit as she frowned, "I didn't invite you." Squall just sighed, and the older boy raised a pale blonde eyebrow as he took a threatening (if a bit unsteady) step forward. Selphie gulped.

            "Unless you want Squally-boy to have a heart attack, I go where he goes, and vice versa." His voice was deep, menacing, but completely lost on the girl. She poked his forehead with a slender finger, and Seifer struggled not to try and suffocate her.

            "What happened?" Selphie inquired, looking to Squall behind him, "Both of you have scars on your forehead," a delicate frown, a bit strange on her features, and the blonde was struck by the strange impression that it was a lot nicer than the practiced beauty of his usual friend's expressions. The thought was banished as he stood up again, glancing to Squall and waiting for the brunette to answer.

            "We were dueling," came the short reply, but Selphie, apparently used to the Lion's speech patterns, smiled amiably.

            "So does that have something to do with whatever Seifer tried to explain?" a nod, and the yellow-clad girl shifted her weight patiently. The blonde was struck by the lack of haste that belied her hyperactive nature.

            "Soooooooo…?"

            "We were dueling, and he cast…ah…a spell. It went wrong."

            "No kidding. Then what?"

            "Something happened with the blood and the spell and I can't go further than five feet from him, or I start to…die." 

            "Well, that sucks!" Selphie exclaimed enthusiastically, and behind her, Zell rolled his eyes and started to shadowbox. Seifer frowned. He really wanted to leave. 

            "So this is _your_ fault, huh?" Suddenly pinned by eyes greener than his own, the blonde was very sick of being blamed for this. It was his fault; so what? Not like it hadn't been rubbed into his face over ten thousand times. He was _sick_ of people acting like he'd ruined Squall's life, because he _hadn't_. Seifer growled, taking a careful step forward and glaring down at the small girl.

            "Listen," he hissed at the cowering Selphie, "I don't have to deal with this shit anymore. This is not all my fault, and I'm not going to kill Leonhart. I am sick of all you fucking idiots blaming me for a mistake, and I am not going to put up with it anymore! If you _ever-_"

            "_Seifer!_" What had been the beginnings of a tirade was cut short by the sharp admonition, and he spun around to face the blue-eyed brunette. He was caught full-force by a glare, and had the sense to wince. With a sigh, he shrugged and stepped back to Squall, ignoring the fact that the other two existed. 

            "No one blames you," a hand through silver-brown hair, and a pointed look was shot at Selphie, who smiled sheepishly. Zell, on the other hand, was staring at Seifer as if the man had grown pink wings for the sole purpose of playing the princess in Swan Lake.

            "What is it, Chicken-Wuss?" the older teen growled, and the martial artist frowned, clenching his fist threateningly, a gesture which was completely ignored. As soon as he realized this, his shoulders slumped and he ran a hand through the small amount of hair that was not defying gravity.

            "Never seen you obey anything," he mumbled, "much less something that wasn't even a command." Selphie, watching, tapped a finger against plump lips in contemplation.

            "Yeah!" she exclaimed after a moment, "What's up with that? Are you guys dating or something?" her head was cocked to the side in a deceptively innocent gesture, and Zell looked as if his eyes would fall out. Squall, on the other hand, had choked on his latest breath of air, trying to glare at Seifer, who had just swung an arm over his slender shoulders.

            "Why, yes," the blonde informed them with a smile, "we are. Do you have a problem with that?" Selphie shook her head happily, Zell looked about to faint, and the brunette was trying to kill his roommate with a glare. He was ignored.

            "Wow! Like, I didn't know you swung that way, Squall!" the young woman squealed, dancing on her toes, "though," she added more seriously, eyes averted in thought, "considering how you act around females, it shouldn't've been a surprise."

Squall:

            I wanted to die again, but _this_ time I wanted to take Seifer with me. Dating? Him? _Me_? I couldn't even begin to get angry; my mind was having enough trouble comprehending this. I couldn't…how could…Hyne! Even my _thoughts_ weren't making sense. There was only the heavy weight on my shoulders and the stupid stare Zell was giving me. I wanted to hurt him, hurt _Seifer_; I wanted to scream that we were _not_ dating, thank you very much, and that Almasy would be lucky if he was even _alive_ within an hour.

            But that was only part of me. The other, irrational part of me that loved puppies and flower gardens was smiling happily, spreading warmth through my limbs and thinking maybe love for me wasn't impossible.

            I wanted to kill that part of me, too. I wanted to murder _everything_ in sight, but the words wouldn't come to deny this idiocy and I couldn't move for the warmth. _That,_ however, was easily remedied, and I smiled as I thrust my arm through the ice. There was a satisfying yelp from somewhere outside of my mind.

            _Oh, dear. I never expected him to do that._ Shiva was thankfully not frowning at me, but at what she saw through my eyes. I could not see Seifer's reaction, facing away as I was, and to turn would break the contact with the wall. Shattered reflections in the ice only hinted at the outside world, but I didn't care, anyway. 

            _I'm not going to survive this,_ I told my Guardian, _That idiot is irrational. Nothing he does makes sense. He does not think about anything! He just does what he wants! _My other arm entered the ice, and blue fingers emerged to grasp mine. They were delicate, tattooed with exotic symbols and shimmering with diamond dust. My arms were soon numb with the cold and the Void. I scowled up into Shiva's frozen eyes.

            _I want to kill him. Hurt him. I don't know. Even my mind won't agree with me._ I sighed, silent in my head, and felt pain blossom distantly as my body apparently fell over. Anger flared at whoever had the audacity to push me, but I wasn't about to see who it had been. I wrapped my arms around Shiva, further into the ice, and her hair danced like waterfalls around me. 

            _Oh, my lion, I am sorry. This is the way it is supposed to be, though. The way it has to be. You, too, are irrational, in your own way. You fluctuate between caring and not, between his arms and mine. Even now, what he says pleases you, even as it disgusts. You must decide, and fast, or the strain will break you. _

            So let me break. I didn't want to be here, anymore. I was sick of him, and so sick of me. I liked the numbness and the apathy that swirled within the ice, loved the motherly arms around me and the way there was no risk in this affection. Shiva would not hurt me without realizing it, as Seifer would.

            But then…she was not warm, as he was, nor as attentive to my moods. She told, she did not suggest, she could not cook, or fight me, or wrap my bandages or make sure I ate. She was not sarcastic or arrogant, and she lacked the wildness of thunder. She was ice, like me; compatible. He was fire, my opposite, and I was drawn to his heat. I loved her, but wasn't _in_ love with her. Not that I was in love with Seifer, but at least there…maybe with him I could learn. 

            I felt the sudden urge to stab myself in the head, to claw at my face and scream with indecision. I wanted to rip Garden apart stone by stone, to crawl into a corner and quietly implode, to get away from Seifer and to bury myself in his arms. To feel him next to me when I slept, to feel the gentile silence that I had not felt since the duel.

            How long had it been? I wasn't even sure, anymore. Time was events, not days, since that moment. I wasn't sure when anything had happened. A few days? A week? A month? 

            It wasn't as if it mattered. The spell would not fade in a given amount of time. It all depended on the scientists in Esthar. Maybe I would be free tomorrow. Maybe I would spend six years like this, silently going insane. 

            I think I was shaking, but I am not sure. Shiva was holding me, a quiet comfort to my impending madness, and her arms stroked my back and told me it was all right, and just for a moment, I believed her, and looked up into the eyes so like my own.

            _What should I do?_ It was soft over the voices that pushed in from the real world, and I could feel hands on me, pushing, pulling. It burned, shredded my skin so painfully that I remembered I had forgotten what it felt like, and I knew that Seifer was not touching me. Another step into the ice, and I could feel the echoes of the void. I was almost Summoning; flickering between the darkness and the light. Shiva smiled into my hair.

            _Why are you asking me? You've already decided. Perhaps not when things were this big, but it is the same situation. _I didn't understand. This was _not_ the same. This was dating Seifer, and back then (was it just yesterday?) it was putting up with his advances. Shiva apparently had no grasp of magnitude. I sighed.

            Why was I even thinking about this? I didn't want to date Seifer; it was completely out of the question. I shouldn't even be _considering_ thinking about this. Why couldn't I stop? 

            …

            Because I didn't want to. Because some stupid part of me that I didn't understand _wanted_ to date him, wanted to be held by him and night and kiss him and be told that I was loved. 

            Maybe, just maybe, I wanted to actually be loved, as well. But by Seifer?

            This was stupid. This was about the hundredth time I'd had this conversation with myself, and it was going nowhere. I still couldn't convince myself what I wanted, and I apparently never would. I would forever be debating over something I didn't even want. Over something I did want.

            Screams were building in my lungs, pushing up through my throat, and I felt hands lock themselves into my hair, pulling at the sensitive strands. It took me a moment to realize that they were _my_ hands, and that I was curled on the hard stone ground, clutching my head and feeling my mind splinter with indecision. Shiva had apparently pushed me out again, leaving me to stare up at Seifer, his green eyes full of concern.

            "You okay?" His voice was soft, only for me, and I could feel his hands on my shoulders; gentle and comforting. I wanted to kiss him, to wrap myself in his arms and bask in his warmth, and yet I wanted to punch him, glare, and tell him that _fuck_ no I wasn't 'okay'! I was going insane again, and it was _his fault_. 

            But then his fingers started to massage my flesh, and the violence subsided and the warmth returned, and I pushed it down and looked to the ice wall, where Shiva stood with hands on hips and shook her head.

            So that eliminated option 'a', leaving option 'b', which was lose myself in emerald oceans and drown in the warmth of golden hair and golden skin; and option 'c', which was punch the bastard and run, somehow surviving asphyxiation.

            But, through no conscious decision of my own, I chose secret option 'd'. 

            I fainted.

[1] For those of you wondering, he said 'Seifer messed up a spell. I have to stay within five feet of him.' 

Okay! Random poll time! 

_How do you pronounce 'Seifer'?_

I personally call him 'say-fur', but I've heard 'zeph-er', 'sai-fur', 'seffer' and many others. Is anyone a pronunciation master?

Also, I decided to post this (even though 'tis short) due to complete lack of anything else to write. 

And I am really, really sorry for the long wait-y-ness. I…ah…committed an 'infraction' or something. Yeah. ^_^;;

We-ell…

Read? 

Review!


	13. Falling Up

See first chapter for details

(I've decided that time has now been completely disregarded. Any inconsistencies will be explained by the simple 'I do not write about days in which nothing happens, so you don't ever hear about them' concept. I would also like to take this time to say the AFI (the band, not the company) rocks. Really.)

Listened to Enya when writing this. It helps with the mood. (Except for the first part).

****

**A Fate Worse Than Death**

Chapter 13

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****

3rd Person:

"Holy Hyne!" Selphie screamed, pointing an accusatory finger at Seifer, "You've killed Squall!" 

Seifer:

            Of all the things Squall could've done, fainting was the least expected. I knew that something was wrong as soon as I told the girl we were dating, because everything suddenly got very cold, as it hadn't in a long time, and the arm across Leonhart's back nearly froze before I jerked it away with a yelp. I _had_, of course, been joking about the dating thing, but then Squall was mentally incapable of understanding humor, so I should have expected…something. But not _fainting_. 

            I didn't expect him to get so freaked out, either. After the cold came even _more_ cold, and he wasn't responding to anyone's voice. Just stood there like a fucking ice sculpture. Then the chicken had the brilliant idea of poking him in the shoulder, which led to a loss of balance on Leonhart's part and a fist to Zell's face on mine. The idiot manage to block it, but I was already too busy picking up Squally-boy to care; pushing the other two out of the way as they tried to do the same. My hands immediately went numb, and I pulled them away. He stirred.

            "You okay?" I asked gently, and _that's_ when he fainted. Stared up at me with endless blue eyes, and I expected him to punch me and run, and hoped that he would wrap his arms around me. He did neither. 

            That was why I was sitting in the middle of the Quad with the Lion in my arms, looking a bit more worried than I would've liked, given my company. Selphie was bouncing around worriedly, shattering glass with her squeals, and had I _not_ had my arms full with the sexiest (excluding me) person in Garden I probably would've summoned Ifrit on her ass. Or something.

            Instead I just glared, gathered Squall more securely into my arms, and made for our dorm, ignoring the now-dull pain in my ankle. I was in no mood to put up with his friends at that moment. They, however, seemed to have a different idea. Selphie, frowning, stood in front of me with hands on hips, and despite her small size she managed to look extremely threatening. Zell was behind her, sulking.

            "_Where_ do you think you're going, mister?" The brunette asked me, and I had to concentrate on not just kicking her out of the way and leaving. Things like that tended to come back and bite you in the ass. Squall stirred in my arms, and a hand wound itself into my shirt, and I relaxed a bit, not wanting to convey anything but peace.

            "I'm taking him back to our room," Despite my (what I hoped to be) nonthreatening expression, she did not seem convinced. Funny, too, because for once I wasn't planning on doing any more than just that.

            "..and we're supposed to trust you on that?" Zell this time, frowning, and I was mildly impressed by his apparent concern for Leonhart. Impressed and insanely, possessively jealous.

            "Listen, Dincht," Hell if I was gonna be on a first-name basis with a chicken, "Not like it's _any_ of your business, but I don't plan on ever hurting Squall. _Ever_. So just relax, okay? He's perfectly safe with me." He didn't seem convinced (not like I'd expected him to be), but to my surprise Selphie smiled. She must have ADD or something.

            "You really like him, don't you?" Had to give her credit for that one. I didn't really want to answer it, though, even if I knew I probably had to.

            "Ah…" I stalled, unconsciously shifting Leonhart in my hold so that he wasn't in such an awkward position. This was rewarded with Squall giving a soft sigh and clutching reflexively at the front of my shirt, and Selphie's smiled widening.

            "You know," she continued despite my lack of comprehensible reply, "he really likes you, even if he doesn't show it." She paused, smiled fading, "so you'd better be careful with him. You either devote yourself to him, or you get out now, and never look back. He's fragile, Seifer." Her voice was even now, and flat, and I felt a chill up my spine that could've been from the fading cold or something else entirely. I hadn't really ever thought of my pursuit of Squall in that way, but now that I did…

            "I know," I told her, and for once there was no doubt, "I told you he's safe with me, and he is. I don't plan on ever hurting him, and if anyone _else_ tries to I'll kill them." In that moment there was no sound, only silence and the soft whispers of my voice as it faded. It was strange, like a foreshadowing of things to come. But this was no book, no planned story where everything ties in and the ending is absolute no matter what the conclusion.[1] This was real life.

            Regardless of this, I was considerably relieved when Selphie spoke again.

            "Good!" She bounced, stepping out of my way with a flourish, "Because if you do, you'll regret it. I promise."

            There was that fucking ominous feeling again.

3rd Person:

            Seifer was really _not_ looking forward to school the next day, and he had a nagging feeling that Squall wasn't either. However, due to the fact that the brunette was still draped limply in his arms, this could not be confirmed, but it hardly mattered. 

            Upon getting rid of Selphie and Zell, the blonde had taken the fastest route to the dorms, ignoring the girls that attempted to flirt with him in what was becoming a habitual way. Were they always this stupid? Had they absolutely no regard for the fact that he was carrying someone who would most definitely _not_ put up with being carried under _normal_ circumstances? He bit back a growl as yet another small group tried to pull him aside, a raven-haired beauty he sort-of recognized trying to claim inefficiency in gunblading techniques.

            Unable to run a hand through his hair in frustration, Seifer settled for glaring as he paused his hurried gait.

            "Well, _no fuck_ you're inefficient," he ground out, becoming even more annoyed at the sight of her obviously-feigned hurt expression, "you aren't studying the gunblade. Honestly, if you're trying to get my attention, at least be intelligent about it." This didn't seem to dissuade the girl, through, and she took a slow step forward, hips swinging in a way that would _definitely_ have gotten his attention, had Squall not shifted the slightest bit, evoking the need for Seifer to adjust his grip lest the other boy be uncomfortable.

            "I don't think you heard me properly, Seify," the girl purred, and Seifer winced at both the lecherous tone and the nickname. Dark chocolate slanted in an eye-catching smile. Green eyes were focused on Squall, ignoring the woman in front of them, who didn't seem to notice.

            "I said I needed help practicing my…gunblading _techniques_." This was accompanied by a blatantly obvious once-over of his lower regions, to which Seifer rolled his eyes.

            "I don't have time for this," he spat, and then he resumed the fast-paced (if still a bit unsteady) walk to his dorm. Girls were really, _really_ annoying. 

Squall:

            Was it weird, to be conscious in unconsciousness? Perhaps I was just waking up. After all, though my vision remained dark, I could make out faint voices from somewhere beyond me, dulled by the pounding of blood in my ears. Touch was muffled, thick, like my limbs were swollen, and my pulse was heavy and monotonous, beating almost painfully under my skin. I could feel cloth against my fingers, and I clutched it at, seeking an anchor in the bewildering darkness. I wasn't sure if my fingers responded or not, but I felt better. 

            I wondered if it was Seifer that I grasped at. I could feel something restraining me, but the burning feeling wasn't there, and that rarely happened with anyone but him. Then suddenly there was another beat outside of my heart, clicking painfully in my ears. 

            _Footsteps_. I realized; _I was moving. _Or, more likely, Seifer was moving. I hated being carried.

            For some reason, my body decided that it wanted to walk by itself, and though I still couldn't see, I felt my feet hit the floor, and there was a muffled noise from Seifer. My muscles weren't quite working, though, and little white stars were beginning to dance in the darkness, slowly growing bigger until the inky blackness was banished, leaving me disoriented and half-strewn on the floor.

            Seifer was looking down at me with a single raised eyebrow, and I blinked rapidly as blood flow grew normal, leaving me feeling a bit dizzy and sick. It was then that I realized I had a death grip on his arm, and that it was the only thing holding me upright, seeing as my feet had forgotten how to gain traction on floors.

            My breathing was heavy, labored, and for a moment I wondered how the _hell_ I had gotten here. 

            Then I remembered. Everything. Anger bubbled inside my chest, but it was weak and soon faded. I didn't have the energy for anger, for hate. I was so tired. A sigh escaped my lips, and I attempted to pull myself upright, using Seifer's arm as a lever.

            It wasn't working very well until he helped me, steadying the uncontrollable sway of my body with his, and he wrapped an anchoring arm around me. Thankfully, he didn't say anything about me fainting or something equally embarrassing, and only ran a gentile hand through my hair.

            "I'm sorry," His voice was low, unexpected, and I froze, nearly falling over in surprise (or possibly lack of blood to my legs). Seifer _never_ apologized for _anything_. Not _seriously_, anyway. Especially something that he would usually have considered so trivial. I tried not to let my eyes widen in shock as I gazed at him, and to my great astonishment he didn't just stop there.

            "About what I said, I mean," he wasn't looking at me, instead focused on something I couldn't see, and his face was a pale pink, almost undetectable. He was _blushing_? What the _fuck_? I thought I was going to faint again.

            "I mean, I ah…I didn't mean to upset you. So…sorry." He still wasn't looking at me, and I blinked, trying to process the fact that this could very well be the end of the world. There was no earthquake, though; no rain of fire or blood, and nothing turned to ash[2]. There was only Seifer, not looking at me, and the semi-empty hallway leading to our dorm. I was struck by the realization that I should probably say something.

            "That's okay, I don't really have a problem with being your boyfriend."

            …

            Fuck.

            Why did I say _that_? What the hell was I thinking? 

            I know what I was thinking. I was suicidal; _that_ is what I was thinking. Why else would I say something so stupid? I should just go stab myself in the throat with my gunblade. 

            Was that Shiva laughing? 

            With an inward groan, I ignored the light sound of bells in the back of my mind, focusing instead on Seifer, who was looking just about as surprised as I felt.

            "Really?" he asked, and I detected the smallest amount of some unknown emotion in his voice. I bit my lip. 

            _No, not really. I was joking! Ha! Ha!_

            "Yeah. Really." 

Oh, holy _fucking_ Hyne. I should really just go stab myself in the head. I was _never_ going to live this down. Seifer was going to laugh, and the rest of my life would be made a living hell, until I died, and then it'd be a non-living hell. 

But then there were arms wrapped tightly around my waist, and lips upon my own, and I dug my hands into his shirt and opened my mouth, pushing closer. 

Maybe this _wasn't_ such a bad thing. 

Wait…no. No, it was. It was a _very_ bad thing. A very, _very…_

Hands under my shirt, gliding up the planes of my back, and I sighed blissfully as Seifer managed to open our door while simultaneously sucking on my collarbone. My own hands began to trace the smooth definitions of his stomach, pushing upwards…

Argh! No! This was bad! Bad and…

My jacket came off, followed by my shirt, and the brief glimpse of bandaged flesh was ignored as Seifer was kissing a path down my chest, soft touches like butterfly wings on my stomach, and I groaned and pulled him back to my lips, eyelids fluttering in ecstasy as he buried his hands in my hair, tugging gently. A tongue tracing my lips, teeth pressing against the soft flesh, and then he was back to biting at my neck, hands massaging my hips. Fire jolted through my body, and my breath hitched, and I felt the pressure in my lower stomach that confirmed my impending doom. But it was a good sort of doom. 

Fuck. What was I doing? Doom is bad. Always bad. Just look where that stupid Doom spell got me!

…on the floor with Seifer pressing kisses against my skin, hands massaging gently until I was pretty sure I couldn't move even if I had wanted to.

Which I didn't.

So maybe Doom could be good. But even so, I was pretty sure I wasn't ready for the next step, and my pants were already slipping lower and lower due to my squirming, stretched over my protruding hipbones, which Seifer was currently sucking on.

Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck fuck fuck _fuck_ that felt good. Regardless, we had to stop.

"Nngh…" I told him, tugging weakly on the arms that were still wound around my body. He glanced up, and despite my complete lack of use of an actual language, he seemed to understand. Giving my right hipbone a fleeting bite, he licked a path up my stomach, pausing to dip into my belly button. 

My breath hitched, and my entire upper body jerked a bit, my fingers tightening around Seifer's arm as the fire in my veins burned anew. I was very definitely aroused now, but I didn't want to do anything about it at the moment. Instead, I focused on Seifer, who looked as if he was going to do it again. 

"No," it was breathy, weaker than I wanted to admit, and I tugged on his upper arm before he could complete my undoing. A single golden eyebrow was raised, but he gave a brief nod and sat back, gazing down at where I was strewn on the floor. 

Nothing was said for a few moments, and he simply watched me, eyes lingering on my face and chest and hips. A small smirk appeared when he caught sight of the way my pants currently seemed to be…falling up, but he didn't say anything, and instead reached out to skim a hand over my stomach and chest. I could see the glimmer of old scars stretched over my skin. Some were from battles and such, but most were self-inflicted, and Seifer seemed to realize this as he touched them, eyes softening from hard-edged jade to the liquid depth of emerald pools. 

It was then that I remembered how I hated to be stared at and squirmed a bit, bringing his eyes to my face.

"A lot of scars," he whispered softly, so completely unSeiferlike that it caught me off guard. I frowned a bit and averted my gaze. A lot of memories, too, but those faded as Shiva took them. Scars didn't fade, not really. True scars are eternal. This way, I'd be reminded, even as I forgot. I sighed, and looked back to the man above me. He probably wouldn't see it like that, but then I didn't blame him. These were my almost-deaths. I hated them, even as I loved them, but the love I felt for them was twisted. I didn't mind if Seifer hated them, just so long as he didn't hate me as well.

Hands continued to trace the silvery marks, dipping into the hollows beneath my ribcage and the curves of my chest and stomach. They skimmed up to my collarbone, resting gently on Griever, and he tapped the frozen roar before moving to rest his hand next to my head. His knees were on either side of my waist, and he brought his other arm to rest opposite it's counterpart before sliding slowly to his elbows. 

Lips touched mine again, and all memories of not wanting this were banished as I wound my arms around his. It was slower, now; more chaste, and then he pulled back again, sitting next to me as he looked around our dorm. I sighed, reached out and wound my fingers into his shirt and dragged myself half into his lap, letting my still-weak body (both from fainting and the recent events) flop sideways against his chest. His right arm wrapped itself around my still-unclothed torso. 

"Are you hungry?" he asked suddenly, and I looked down.

"After I take a shower," I was still very aware of my current state of arousal, and apparently so was Seifer, because he grinned.

"You seem to be doing that an _awful_ lot lately," he teased, eyes following my own, "but I guess I just have that effect on you." I rolled my eyes and used his shoulder to push myself to my feet. 

"Fuck you," I retorted, glaring, and Seifer stared up at me a moment, eyes following the pale planes of my body.

"Don't I wish," he mumbled, and then dragged himself to his feet next to me. 

"But, hell, now that we're an item I guess I won't be wishing for long," this was accompanied by a lecherous wink, and I sighed and punched him.

"Ow! _Fuck!_ I thought you were tired, Leonhart!" he whined, rubbing his arm, and I couldn't help but smile.

"I _am_," I informed him, "now shut up and follow me to the bathroom or I'll do it again." Green eyes narrowed, but he didn't object, and stayed as far away from me as the limit would allow as we walked to the bathroom. Once inside, he crossed his arms and leaned against the wall in an obvious sulk. 

He was still like that when I came out, though a bit less sulky, and when he persisted even after I'd finished towel-drying my hair[3] I frowned. He didn't notice.

After several more minutes of this, I rolled my eyes and retrieved my pants, pulling them on under the towel. The towel was then folded over the drying rack, and running a hand through my half-dry hair I stepped next to Seifer, looking up at him. 

He ignored me, staring at the mirror, and I sighed and leaned my forehead against his chest. When there was no response I frowned. Glancing up at him, I jumped a bit when I felt fingers ghosting along my back, and unconsciously leaned into the touch. He finally looked down at me.

"You even have scars on your back," he stated, and I turned to follow his gaze in the mirror. My reflection stared back at me, pale against Seifer's, and I saw silver scars stretched over my back in the mirror, like pair of twisted wings. 

"Yeah," I confirmed, and left it at that. I didn't want to talk about that past right now, in which I'd mutilated every surface available, hoping that maybe then I'd be beyond help. Maybe then I'd die.

My arms tightened reflexively around Seifer, and I felt the hand on my back slip into my hair, caressing my scalp and turning all of my muscles to water. 

"Hungry, now?" he asked, apparently sensing my unwillingness to talk, and I nodded, trying to ignore the fact that I had completely forgotten why I hadn't wanted this before. 

**End Chapter 13**

[1]Actually, I lied. It kinda is.

[2]And 50 Cent still sucks. *cough*

[3]He doesn't comb it, except on rare occasions. 

Yes, the whole make-out thing was abrupt, but it had been so _long_. And I was bored. I'm thinking I'll have somewhere around twenty chapters in this thing. Also, for anyone wondering…uh…I've no idea how much time has passed, but it hardly matters. You'll see what I mean later on. 

And I love you all *big tears in eyes*. You each deserve personal thanks, but you've no idea how long that would take, and I have homework that needs to be done.

As for the poll, the results are:

You pronounce it 'Sai-fur', or something very close to that, mostly because Balinese no Neko gave such a completely professional explanation that even if she were wrong I'd still believe her.

I'm still pronouncing it 'Say-fur', though, because old habits die hard, and I wouldn't want to kill him, anyway. ^_^

And Alance? You're a psychic. I'm serious. I was halfway through the scene when I read the reviews, and was all 'holy shit!' So, yeah. I want to marry all of you.

Read? 

Review!


	14. Silence Struck

See first chapter for details.

A Fate Worse Than Death

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Chapter 14

3rd Person:

            "Hyne, I'm _hurrying_, already!" Seifer, green eyes crossed in momentary annoyance, was pulling his boots on while trying to ignore the look Squall was giving him. The brunette hadn't said anything since they woke up, and yet he still managed to convey a sense of impatient urgency as he stood a few feet away, blue eyes following the blonde's every move. 

            A last muffled rush of air fleeing a now foot-occupied shoe, and the taller man was ready, adjusting his long coat and snatching Hyperion from where it lay gleaming on the coffee table. Revolver already in hand, Squall made for the door, stopping only to confirm that Seifer was following.

            The hallway, though not exactly crowded, was certainly more full than they'd seen it in awhile, and the blonde smiled a bit, resisting the urge to sling an arm over his companion's shoulders as he gazed at his fellow classmates. He knew that the leather-clad mercenary wasn't outrageously fond of public displays of affection, and so he settled on a happy sigh. Blue-grey eyes shifted to look at him, but Squall did not move his head.

            "As fun as our little vacation was, I gotta say I missed this," he informed the younger man, smiling at a group of people he recognized. A few girls blushed and walked a little faster, talking excitedly to their friends. Squall, obviously of another opinion, looked away, still not saying anything. He watched the passing students warily, as if afraid they would suddenly lunge at him. 

            "C'mon, man. It isn't that bad. We've got a field lesson today, anyway. Seems like we picked the perfect day to rejoin our fellow SeeDs-to-be." He paused, frowning a bit, and turned to Squall, "You alright? Haven't said anything all morning. I thought you got over that."  The brunette shot him an unreadable look, and then shrugged.

            "I don't exactly love my fellow students," he said softly, shifting his grip on the Revolver again. He glared at the next group of people that passed a bit too closely, and jerked his head in the direction of the exit.

            "Let's just go," Boots clicked sharply on the floor as he walked, and Seifer fell into step beside him. The air, despite the regulated temperature of Garden, grew chilly. The blonde sighed.

Squall:

            I would have been a lot happier just staying in my room for the rest of forever. Sure, I was looking forward to finally getting to fight again, and Revolver was practically burning in my hands, silver edge glowing in that strange way it tended to do when battles were nearing, but I didn't really enjoy spending time with the other students. 

            Not like I was some wimp that everyone picked on; a bookworm more suitable for spells than swordplay, but I still got more than my fair share of shit. People just didn't know what to do with the quiet ones. I'm sure they all thought I was going to blow up Garden or something, and so were convinced that they should make my life as horrible as possible so that…

            So that what? I'd do it sooner? Where was the logic in _that_? Holy fucking _Hyne_, these people really _were_ stupid. 

            Not like I'd blow up the school anyway. I never was one for explosions. That was more Seifer's style.

            _Are you going somewhere with this? Or shall I just return to your memories?_ Shiva lounged on the other side of the ice, glittering in my mind's eye. She seemed impatient, a bit anxious. She hadn't been summoned in so long, not since…

            My arm itched. I pushed the notion out of my mind. 

            _Eager to fight again?_ I asked, giving her a half-smile. She shifted a bit behind the diamond wall. Pale blue lips pulled back in cold grin, and she ran a hand through her hair, small ice crystals ringing eerily in the silence of my mind.

            _Oh, how little you know, my Lion. I am eager as a breeze is a hurricane. As the mist of Blizzard is my Diamond Dust. _She laughed, cold and beautiful as the howl of a snowstorm, and I shuddered in spite of myself. 

            _There is no word that you know of for what I am. Just show me the enemy. I will shatter it; make the skies snow blood and scaled skin. How sad this little island of yours makes me, with its fish and caterpillars. _I was a bit surprised, unused to such bloodlust from the goddess of apathy, but I couldn't help but feel similar. I could practically taste the gunpowder and shredded skin, the screams of dying things and the sweat and Sleep and Poison, and I too, felt a bit anxious, not to mention the sudden need to brush my teeth. 

            Shiva sighed, and stopped her momentary pace. 

            _I miss the cliffs of Esthar, the mountains of Trabia. I long for Ruby Dragons and the ancient halls of Centra, where the Warrior King resides. I will take you there, someday. He would like you, my Lion._

I wondered where Guardian Forces kept their memories. Did they store them with my childhood, or had they a place of their own? Could a Guardian Force have a Guardian Force, eating away at the past that ate away at mine? I wondered what Shiva had been, what she was, what woman resided in her pale skin.

            Had she ever loved? Been loved? Had she fought as I do, or had a family? Did she like to read on starry nights, or play in the snow as seemed to be popular with children-that-weren't-me? 

            What would happen to he when I was gone? Would she be passed on to another? Would she speak of me to them? Where did Guardian Forces go when they weren't with us? I couldn't bear to think of her fading into nothing, lost and forgotten. How did one go about becoming a Guardian Force?

            _Shiva?_ I asked, my voice suddenly hollow, lonely in my thoughts. I didn't like the way it sounded. Weak. Scared. Worried. This was not me. I pushed it aside. Her eyes turned to me, and she waited.

            _How did you become a Guardian?_

            Her reaction was not what I expected.

Seifer:

            I would say we were back to square one; back to before when these silences were normal, only we weren't, because Squall was not attempting to kill me. Not that I knew of. Instead, he was just walking straight ahead, his gait determined as the air temperature dropped a bit with each step. I wondered how he could move without running into anything. I mean; he couldn't see. Did Shiva guide him? 

            I was mildly surprised when we made it all the way to the 2nd floor classroom without him even looking like he was _thinking_ of running into anything. He walked straight into the room, ignoring Quistis's obvious happiness at his return, and sat down in his seat at the back of the room. I followed him like a lost puppy; a feeling I most definitely did not like. 

            People started staring as soon as I sat next to him. I just glared at them and took up my customary seating position; daring anyone to comment. No one did.

            Not to my face, anyway. I could hear _plenty_ of whispers, but those weren't my concern. Within minutes the class was called to attention and given a brief rundown of what today's 'lesson' was to be. 

            Boring, from the looks of it. I could feel the need for something more exciting beginning to worm its way into my chest, already, and we hadn't even _started_. Apparently Garden was of the impression that their students, less than a year away from becoming SeeDs, would gain the needed experience making sushi out in the field. We were supposed to kill fish. _Fish_. What sort of training was that? The fish were even at an unfair advantage; they were out of water. So we're essentially going to try and kill something that is flopping around on the beach throwing Sleep spells at us. 

            But whoa. Watch out. If on the rare occasion the Sleep actually _works,_ you will be brutally flopped upon. 

            We were so totally fucked if a Sorceress actually showed up. 

            I sighed, waited patiently for Quisty to finish warning us about sharp fins (though, in all fairness, infections were kinda painful), and then nudged Squall, who appeared to have returned to the world of the living. He looked distinctly confused, but I didn't have time to ask about what, because he told me.

            "She _laughed_ at me." He ran a hand through his gorgeous hair, turning to face me with his customary frown. I remembered that we were in a public place seconds before I pulled him into my lap. I didn't need him to hate me right now.

            "Who?" I asked, not entirely following what could barely be called a train of thought, "Shiva?" a brief nod, and I felt my eyebrow rise. This seemed interesting. 

            "I asked her how she became a Guardian, and she laughed at me, and said 'only you would ask that' and then she said that I'd find out…someday." He gave a frustrated sigh, and I frowned a bit.

            I'd never really wondered where they came from. They were _there_; wasn't that enough for him? I mean…it's not like they were people, right? Or…_were_ they? Where _did_ they come from? Why were there GFs in the first place? Ifrit had a personality; that was sure enough, why hadn't I wondered where it came from?

            "I…I never really thought of that," I admitted a bit sheepishly, and he cast me a sidelong look, his gaze unreadable. For a brief moment I considered asking Ifrit, but then I realized that if Shiva hadn't told _Squall_, there was no way Ifrit would tell _me_. I wasn't completely sure he even _liked_ me. 

            There was a short pause, and then I stood.

            "We should get going," I told my…roommate? Friend? Boyfriend? I kinda liked the sound of the last one, and indicated to the students already leaving, "Maybe if we're lucky we'll find a Bomb or something. Hyne, this is gonna be boring." 

            Squall gave a small nod and stood, and I took a step back so as to let him out of the booth, nearly tripping over someone in the process. It was Zell. [1]

3rd Person:

            The martial artist grinned as he scrambled out from behind Seifer, letting the taller blonde regain his balance. Gloves flashes black and silver on his fists, and he bounced a bit on his toes in the perpetual dance of movement that was Zell.

            "Hey, man!" he stilled, just for a second to nod in greeting at Squall. There was no response, "This is gonna totally kick ass, right?" his enthusiasm was met with blank stares from both his comrades, and his smile faded, replaced by a slight look of annoyance that was gone almost before it appeared.

            "Dude, we're in the same group. Weren't you listening?" He stopped, ran a careful hand through his hair, and put his hands on his hips. Seifer blinked.

            "What do you mean, 'group'?" he asked, eyes narrowing into a glare. Next to him, Squall sighed. 

            "Whatever," he growled, standing, "Group or no, let's go." He'd made it two steps when Zell stopped him, holding out his hand and shaking his head. Squall's eyes flickered to his face in question.

            "Naw, man. We gotta wait for our other group member. Four to a group, one for a healer. He'll be over in a second." A frown on pale lips, and the brunette crossed his arms in impatience. Seifer looked extremely irritated.

            "Who is it?" he demanded, all-too-ready to be done with this stupid exercise. Maybe if he got back early he could go to the training center. Zell shrugged, looked over his shoulder, and pointed.

            "That guy," he informed them, indicating to a man with short black hair that was conversing with Quistis. Squall looked as if he might be worried, though it was hard to tell, and Seifer just looked appalled.

            "Uhm. Fuck that?" and then he was headed towards the door, his roommate walking quietly in his wake. Zell, caught off guard, scrambled to his feet and rushed after them, determined not to be left behind.

Seifer:

            "This is so boring! I'm sick of playing healer. Make Leonhart switch with me, won't you Seify?" 

            I was really, really trying to ignore Nida, but he was making it hard. Though I hated to admit it, he was a good healer, but he was also the sorriest fighter I'd ever seen. He had, for reasons unknown, chosen a spear as his weapon, and he could barely lift the damn thing. He didn't seem very happy when I had told him as much. Lucky for me, I didn't care.

            "Listen Nida," I ground out, turning so quickly Squall almost fell over in his attempt to stay near me. I shot him an apologetic look and focused on the dark-haired man again, "You given position as healer for a reason, okay? Just like Leonhart was _not_ given position as healer for a reason. _He_ would not heal someone unless they were KO'd, and even then he'd toss you a Phoenix Down and maybe a cure if you're lucky," Squall, surprisingly, was not glaring. Instead, he was staring at our surroundings with mild disinterest. I guess he knew the truth when he heard it.

            "Because he," I continued, "has for reasons unknown adopted the belief that everyone should take care of themselves and no one else." I paused, watching as Nida looked thoroughly unconvinced, and I saw his eyes fall on Zell.

            "Plus you suck at combat," I added before he got any ideas, and then not for the first time I turned and stalked off towards what I hoped was a different section of endless grassland. Squall fell into step beside me, and Zell half-jogged somewhere to our right. Nida sulked for a few minutes before he apparently realized that we really _would_ leave him there, upon which he ran to catch up.

            It had been like this all day. Nida didn't seem content with the risk-free job of healer, instead trying to get rid of what was obviously a more skilled fighter in what I could assume was an attempt to be near me. 

            Not that I blamed him, but it was still annoying. 

            Squall had pretty much ignored everyone all morning, and but for the occasional lingering glance it was almost as if he wasn't aware of my presence. It drove me fucking insane. I didn't understand him, and every time I thought maybe I might finally understand the giant emotional tangle that was Leonhart I'd come across a knot or a loose end and wind up back where I had began. 

            Though I appeared to be making progress regardless of this. He was always a bit closer than strictly necessary, and in battle I couldn't help but be annoyed at the speed with which he completely wiped out our foes before I could get a shot in; or, as he probably saw it, before they could hurt me. 

            But that was probably just wishful thinking. 

            I frowned as I remembered our few small battles. We'd mostly encountered fish, a giant caterpillar or two, and one strange jellyfish-type thing. It wasn't until the last battle that we'd even acquired a Scan spell, and so we were still in the dark as to names and attributes. It was depressing, in a way. I'd all sorts of small amounts of powerful spells stored from my numerous travels, and yet I'd been hard-pressed to obtain a Scan. 

            It was about then, trying to remember the exact incantation that would activate one of my few remaining Thundaga spells that the Silence struck.

            Only it wasn't Silence. Not the spell. It was instead a complete lack of anything, any of the constant noise that had until about two seconds ago had been a meaningless white noise. Funny, how you don't miss something until it's gone. And gone it was; it was simply and suddenly so quiet I could hear my heartbeat. I could hear Squall's heartbeat. I could hear Zell's dancing footsteps, and I could taste wrongness in the air like the acidic flavor of Poison. 

            "Something's wrong," I whispered needlessly, and Dincht, standing still for the first time in forever, nodded in agreement. 

            "Yeah, man," I saw Leonhart out of the corner of my eye, staring at something just over a small rise, but my attention was on Zell for a moment, "I'm seriously freaked right now; but I'm not too sure why. Maybe it's the quiet." He bounced a bit on his toes, and then from a few feet to my right Squall spoke, still facing away from us.

            "Or all the dead bodies," he added, voice as disinterested as it had been all day. 

I wasn't completely sure I wanted to see what he was looking at, anymore, but then I was next to him, staring out over a small valley that was marbled green and red with blood.

            _Things_ littered the earth, and it took me a moment to identify them as limbs. Limbs from what looked to be every type of creature that inhabited Balamb, even down to humans.

            "Oh, _sick_." Nida whispered, and from the looks of it he was about to be. 

            I was, too. My eyes, as if drawn by some morbid magnet, would not leave the shattered bodies, taking in severed arms and legs and…appendages, and I involuntarily took a step back. 

            Squall, however, looked mildly bored, but anxious, as if waiting. He was poking something with his Revolver; what appeared to be something's elbow. Or maybe its head. I wasn't too sure, but I wasn't curious enough to check. Apparently satisfied, he turned back to me, and I saw a flicker of…some emotion pass behind his storm-wrought eyes. Concern, maybe?

            "Let's find whatever did this," he ran a gloved hand through his hair, gesturing to the hill-ridden horizon with the tip of his gunblade, "I haven't even been able to summon Shiva, yet, and she wants out."

            I wasn't sure if I'd just heard him correctly. He wanted to _find_ the thing that had killed what could very well be an entire population of monsters (and even a few unfortunate people) and attempt to kill _it_?

            "What?!" I hissed in a lowered voice, still under the strange impression that I should stay quiet, "You want to _look_ for this thing? It killed an entire fucking army, here! Are you-"

            "-suicidal?" he finished for me, wry smile twisting his lips. I felt immediately guilty (I doubted I'd ever overcome that) and sighed. Squall just shrugged.

            "I can always run," he stated, and I shook my head in bewilderment, but nonetheless made for the direction he appeared to want to travel in.

            "Hyne, let me survive today," I whispered as we made our way through the killing-ground, Zell and Nida following quietly behind, still stunned. Squall glanced at me out of the corner of his eye.

            "Relax, Seifer, I'll protect you," a smile twitched at the corner of his mouth, and I couldn't help but smile in return. 

            "You know," I told him, swinging an arm over his shoulders, "that has got to be the first joke I've ever heard you tell."

            "I wasn't joking." He scoffed, shooting me a glare that may or may not have been feigned. 

            But he let my arm stay where it was.

End Chapter 14

[1] I like Zell ^_^

I was going to write more, but this seemed like an all right stopping place. Sorry for the long wait ^_^;; I'll probably update something like once every two weeks.

Dedicated to everyone who sent me emails and instant messages (I'm on a different computer so I can't confirm names. Sorry. ^_^;;) telling me that I was cool and to get my rear in gear for this chapter. You know who you are.

Also I love reviews. They make Squall stop moping and Seifer loves ego boosts, and they are like air to me, only I cant breathe them and I'm not sure it'd be healthy if I could.

So, yeah. Sorry there wasn't much going on in this chapter. I'm building up to something…kind of.

Another poll!

What has been your favorite chapter so far?

I mean the style, but events may also factor. Doesn't really matter, so long as you give me some sort of reason as to why.

Please?

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	15. Fear and Loathing

Alternate title: We Can't Stop Here, it's Bat Country!

See first chapter for details

**A Fate Worse Than Death**

**Chapter 15**

3rd person:

"This is stupid. We can still go back, you know." Nida's voice sounded faint, lost in the force of the wind that had picked up upon reaching the summit of the hill. He stood a good distance behind the rest of the group, arms wrapped around himself in an attempt to ward off the chill that may or may not have been a result of the weather. Squall glanced at the dark-haired man, eyes antipathetic, but he didn't say anything.

"We can't just leave this…whatever-it-is running loose, Nida. We're going to be SeeDs. It's our _job_ to protect people by killing monsters." It was Seifer who answered, his voice laced with poorly-hidden annoyance, "don't be such a coward. It's not like healers get hurt anyway."

"I'm not being a coward! You're just being stupid." Nida's voice got quieter, so quiet that it probably would have gone unheard had the wind not died in that exact moment, "the only reason _you're_ doing this is because Squall is, and _he's_ suicidal." Green eyes narrowed dangerously as the gunblader turned on his heel, but whatever response he was about to make was cut short by Squall, tugging on his sleeve perhaps a bit more urgently than he had meant to.

That was when the smell reached them.

Seifer:

Nida should be considered lucky. I would've had no problem killing the fucker then and there (after all, we _were_ in the middle of nowhere surrounded by monsters. Not like anyone could pin the blame on me) had my attention not been brought to other things. Such as a smell that was quite literally wilting the grass around us.

"What…what the…" Zell, kinda greenish and trying to breathe through his mouth, gave up whatever he had been trying to say in favor of dry heaving. I almost expected to see a reemergence of a considerable amount of post-eaten hotdogs, but I wasn't exactly disappointed. I can't stand it when other people throw up, though I was kinda close to it myself.

Whatever it was smelled like acid and dog shit, aerosol fumes and rotting corpses, burning plastic, sulfur, BO, cat piss, and dead fish. I decided that it would be nice to never smell this again.

I was trying to find something to cover my nose, get rid of the smell, or both, when violent coughing broke out to my left, and I noticed Squall, doubled over, Revolver on the ground so that he could clutch at his eyes.

"Fuck," I assessed, and dropped to his side, trying to find the Eye Drops I wasn't sure I had. A gloved hand almost hit my face as he reached out for me, coming into contact with my shoulder. Using this as a guide, he slowly shuffled towards me, hand latching onto my forearm with a grip that showed more panic than his expression.

"Seifer," he whispered hoarsely, panic making his voice unsteady, and I immediately resolved that whatever was causing this smell was going to die, "Seifer, I can't see…"

"I know," I told him softly, pulling the (thank Hyne) Eye Drops from one of the trench coat's many pockets, "I can help. Lemme see your eyes." I saw his throat work as he gulped and slowly pulled his hand from his face. It was wet, and he wiped it on his pants before turning his face towards mine.

His eyes were watering like hell, streaming down his face and clinging to his eyelashes. The tears were mixed with mucus that was beginning to cement his eyes closed, creating what was commonly known as Blind, one of the few effects I had immunity to. I did my best to brush it all away before opening his eyes with my hands and squeezing the small bottle of its contents.

Squall blinked, rubbed at his face with his free hand (his other was still latched onto my arm) and looked up at me. His eyes were bright, glowing with a slightly bluish light that was the aftereffect of the Drops. I smiled down at him in what I hoped was a comforting way, but he looked too worried to be at ease. He looked around.

"Something's wrong with Zell," a reassessment of our surroundings, then, "and Nida's gone." Figures.

Reaching behind him, he picked up Revolver, and slid it into his belt before turning back to look at me. There was a brief moment where he seemed to be deciding something, and then the hand on my arm slid up to my neck, and his lips were against mine, and the fingers of his free hand were sliding over my stomach as he pulled himself closer. I just sat there for a second before I realized what was happening, and then I returned the kiss, sliding my own arm around his waist.

And then he was gone.

"Hey!" I looked up, watching as he stopped just at the limit and gazed back at me expectantly, "Fuck! No! You can't _do_ that!" He just raised an eyebrow, and I sighed, wishing circumstances were a bit less full of potential death. Hauling myself to my feet, I made my way over to Zell, Leonhart in tow.

Zell was coughing violently, hands gripping his throat as if to choke the problem out. His eyes were watering, too, and when he saw us he tried to speak, but another coughing fit broke out.

Silence, and Blind.

"Aw, fuck."

Squall:

Shiva's eyes were glittering dangerously, like fire reflected in ice, and I knew she could smell a fight. We all could, but I think she was the only one who knew what we were to face. I didn't ask her, though. I knew better than to talk to her right now. When she got like this, her voice, usually calming and cool, grew sharp and biting with frost, and the hands I remembered as healing grew sharp with ice and diamond dust.

So I turned away, and ignored her for now, my eyes resting on Seifer. Zell had moved a ways away, trying to get away from the smell.

He looked worried, and on impulse I placed a hand on his shoulder. I'm not really sure why. I think Matron used to do it. He looked up at me, green flashing overbright, and I knew that his immunity towards blind had kicked in. The Eye Drops were all that kept me seeing, now, but they would soon wear off, and my sight would grow watery and unstable again. My nose had stopped working altogether for the smell, and I thought I'd faint with relief if nothing else.

"It's Silence," Seifer was talking, "and Blind. This is fucked up, Squall, you know that, right?"

"Yeah," I readjusted my grip on Revolver. My sight was dragging to the left, my ears straining to hear something I couldn't identify, and I knew that Shiva could sense something over the rise and was trying pinpoint it.

"There's nothing here, man. Not that we can see," he continued, "but the smell alone is fucking with us. This doesn't happen. Not here. Maybe in Esthar, but not Balamb. You're supposed to see a monster before it can attack you."

I frowned, nodded, trying to keep my eyes focused on Seifer instead of the rise, but the pull was getting stronger.

_Stop it_. I directed to the wall in my mind, _we'll get to it eventually._ The pull only grew stronger.

"I'm out of Eye Drops, too, and I never had an Echo Screen."

With a mental sigh, I gave in, letting Shiva turn my head to face the hill. My eyes started to water again, beginning to burn with the smell.

"Maybe we should just go back. We'd be fucked if we had to fight something in this state, without a healer." There was a brief silence both outside an in my head, and risking a glance at the wall I saw Shiva, both hands resting against the ice as she stared past me at the hilltop, eyes hard as the diamonds that frosted her skin.

_It's coming._ Excitement and a deadly joy, in a tone I had never heard her use. It sent chills up my spine, and I almost backed away when she turned the gaze to me. Almost.

_I will not let it harm you, Lion._ She said, her voice softening a bit. Long blue nails dug into the ice, betraying the calm her words exuded, _we must fight it. It is your duty as a SeeD. But we will protect you, Ifrit and I._ _There is no cause for concern._

I frowned, not liking how anxious she was. I knew it had been a long time since the last fight, longer than any SeeD was advised to contain a Guardian without using them in battle, so I guess it wasn't unexpected…

"Squall?"

A hand on my shoulder, and I almost jumped before I recognized it. I managed to turn my head towards Seifer, and pointed to the place Shiva was obsessing over.

"Something's coming," I told him, and he sighed, shouldering his Hyperion. His other hand found its way around my waist, and he pressed his lips against the top of my head.

"Yeah," he whispered into my hair, and I shivered, but not with cold, "Yeah, okay. I guess we gotta fight it then, huh?" I didn't really want to nod. The weight on my head felt nice, but then I realized I was acting like a girl, not to mention a lovesick girl. I hated those. So I nodded.

The arm around my waist tightened, and his head, dislodged by my movement, came to rest on my shoulder. Lips against my neck, then teeth, then tongue. I elbowed him in the stomach.

"Ouch," he purred, pulling me back against him. I sighed, and reach up to rub my eyes. The burning was getting worse.

"You know we could _die_, right?" His hand was creeping down, pulling my eyes away from the horizon to focus on its path. It paused at my hip, then slid up under my shirt, and stopped, apparently content with just skin-on-skin contact. In spite of myself, I leaned back against him, trying to look annoyed and not at all distracted by the way he was trying to pull the stud out of my ear with his teeth. I felt Seifer smile against my skin.

"All the more reason to kiss me back. You'll regret not doing it if we do just happen to get our asses kicked." If it wasn't apparent before, it was now undeniably clear that he had probably been hit with a shovel at a young age. It was probably my doing, too. I sighed.

"Fine," I growled, not completely displeased, and turned in his grasp. Eyes closed, I felt gloved hands ghost across my face and then slide into my hair. A sigh brushed across my cheek, and Seifer's lips were on mine, warm and soft and much less eager than he had been moments before. My body, growing used to this far faster than my mind was, pressed closer, and I wove my fingers into the front of his shirt.

From a short ways away, Zell coughed; the only objection he could make at the moment. Seifer smiled, and then broke the kiss. I let my forehead fall to rest against his chest, just for a second. The arm around my waist loosened.

"Let's go," I said, stepping back. My eyes were watering again, but I could still sort of make out green eyes and blonde hair. I tried to rub my vision clear.

"This fucking sucks. I hate blind,"

"Yeah," Seifer agreed, "What the hell did you waste your immunities on?"

I frowned.

"Confusion, and Sleep," Confusion made me uncomfortable, loss of control as it was, and Sleep made me nervous, because it left me completely vulnerable.

"And Zell?" I frowned. Zell had told me once before, during practice…

"Petrify and Berserk."

"Petrify and Berserk?" Seifer raised an eyebrow, "he really _is_ an idiot. We don't ever get those out here. Ever. Talk about a waste." Another muffled cough from Zell, to which Seifer rolled his eyes.

"Even Silence can't properly shut him up," he muttered, half-joking.

"Yeah," I agreed absently, trying to locate the martial artist with my failing vision. It was useless, however, for earth and sky had begun to melt, mingling with one another like water and oil, never quite merging but definitely not staying where there were supposed to. I felt trapped in an abstract painting, or a crazy drug trip. I reached my hand towards where I knew Seifer was supposed to be, coming into contact with the rough denim of his trench coat. Fingers wove through my own, and then dropped to hang in the space between us.

"I can't see shit," I told him, trying to determine what were trees and what were clouds, and since when was the sky brown? I rubbed my eyes with my free hand again, shaking my head hating this stupid status effect. Then I felt the hand in mine stiffen, and what I had thought was silence got even quieter.

I wanted to whisper something, to ask what it was that he saw, but something in the quiet compelled me to mimic it. Then, through the haze and the blindness there was movement so large even I could see it, accompanied by a sudden sickening squishing sound that made me wish the silence had stuck around.

"That's bad, isn't it?" I asked, afraid to wipe at my eyes though the urge to do so was overwhelming. A shifting sound, and I felt Seifer move in front of me. Any indignation I may have felt in an ordinary situation was drowned out by fear and voices in my head telling me that this was it; I was going to die.

"Yes," came the answer, high-pitched and wavering, and I was allowed one clear thought before the thing was upon us.

_Shit._

**End of Chapter 15**

Oh my god, I was forever in updating and it's horrid and short. I am so sorry guys, but I've sort of lost interest in this story, which is just as well as there are only about two more chapters. I promise to finish it eventually, but I can't say when. I just ask you hang in there.

Once again, I'm so sorry. But damn it, I'll finish this thing if it kills me.

Thanks to everyone who reviewed, I love you, and I only hope this chapter was remotely acceptable.

Read?

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	16. Reversal

Zell:

Now don't get me wrong; I never expected to live forever. Hell, I never expected to live past forty, knowing what made good SeeDs and how lacking in that certain aspect I was. Now, Squall…Squall was a Commander's wet dream; strong and silent and just smart enough to be able to handle himself, but not so smart he thought he knew better than his superior. Squall would have died quietly in his bed.

Seifer? I don't know about him. He's reckless, but has the strength and skill to back it up. It's a toss up between an early, violent death and a hard won peaceful going, but here I am without a coin or the ability to read it. I fucking hate Blind.

Where was I?

Oh, yeah. I never expected to live forever. But I sure as _hell_ didn't expect to die before I was even made a SeeD. But I guess life is just a little too fond of playing that sort of trick on people, because here I was, blind and mute and Hyne knows what else while Doom with a capital D was reaching for me with more tentacles than I had brain cells. There was a moment between total blindness and working sight, one last clear image of the thing descending upon us, and I had just enough of my brain not in panic mode to realize what the thing was.

A Marlboro.

What was it doing on Balamb? Fuck if I know. The only place I've heard of them inhabiting is Esthar, and from what I've heard you shouldn't even try to fight them. Just run. That's what all the experts say.

Just run.

They never told me how to run when you're Paralyzed.

Squall:

I couldn't see. I hate not seeing. I don't even know why I never tried to protect against Blind. What was I thinking?

It was really close now, whatever it was. It looked a bit greenish, with way too many tentacles, but then so did everything else. My vision swam sluggishly, like a Slow spell cast on my brain and Haste on everything else. Disjointed and nonsensical. Fuck.

But it was still a monster, right? Monsters die.

But then so do humans.

I could feel Seifer's arm through the sleeve that I grasped. It was tense, shaking with nerves and fear. I could feel heat, too; more heat than I was used to, and I knew he was summoning. Then an explosion of movement, and he was gone, replaced by fiery rage and the strength to act upon it.

Ifrit.

I held my breath. Not in anxiety or anticipation, but because Seifer had gone. He'd left me alone with the monster, with the flame and acid and the stench of death and taken my breath along with him. I choked on burning air, felt my chest fill with ice and stone and then there were hands on my arms, pulling me back up, and I could breathe again.

"Sorry," he whispered, and lips brushed quickly against my cheek, the last bit of softness before the battle-hardened shell closed around my heart to prepare for death. I shook my head to clear my sight- more out of habit than hope- and stood up.

Seifer:

I don't know what I expected Ifrit to do, but I was disappointed none the less. The creature stood only dazed before us, a few charred stumps where tentacles had been scorched off, leaving approximately ten million.

In the time it took me to realize this, the monster struck again, but purely in defense. Thousands upon thousands of needlelike teeth, like the inside of a pincushion, clashed together seamlessly, inches from my arm. I barely managed to jump back, adrenaline and my own pride the only things keeping me standing. Limbs would be lost to that thing, if we weren't careful.

I pulled Squall back from the creature, watching it advance slowly, grappling unsurely with the rocky territory. The uneven terrain seemed too rough for its fleshy tentacles. I smiled grimly, and then turned, brushing silver-brown hair from Blinded eyes.

"Seifer?" It was soft, gravelly with mucus, and the gloved hand on my arm tightened. Leonhart frowned, and stood straighter, cleared his throat.

"Seifer," he said again, but harder, "I can still fight it. But you're going to have to keep up with me." He pulled his Revolver from his belt, grip sure despite the fact that he was talking to someone about three feet to my left. Keep up with him. Right. That was the least of my worries.

Reminded of our situation, I glanced at the monster. It was doing something odd, as if it were trying to throw up, or burp. I didn't like the look of it. Glancing back at Squall, I pulled him in for a quick kiss. The feel of it burned slightly; my stomach folded in on itself with the knowledge that it would probably be our last.

"You're an idiot," I told him, eyes still on our attacker, "You don't stand a chance."

He frowned again, and blinked rapidly, then pushed me away, stumbling backwards as he did so. Fucking Leonhart. Can't even appreciate the fact that I'm about to go die for him. Bastard.

He was glaring at me, burning cold, and it was then that I realized he wasn't blinded any more. More to the point, he was _glowing_.

"…the fuck?" I took a step back, watching as blue-white power pulsed from his every pore. Off to the side, the monster stopped its strange movements to face us. It squelched back a bit, almost hastily.

And then it began to snow.

Squall:

"You're an idiot. You don't stand a chance." Seifer's voice was disembodied, the ever-present arrogance just barely perceptible under what could be mistaken for concern, had I not known better. I shoved myself back from his grip, trying to pinpoint the monster by sound, and froze.

_Fuck that. All we've been through and you still don't trust him? You're a bastard Squall. An ungrateful bastard that is probably going to die now, and yet you still can't admit that you've gone and fallen in love with Almasy._ _Because he _does_ care, when no one else would.__ Hyne, you're a fucking moron._

I frowned, fully aware now that I was blind and unprotected in front of something that could kill me as easily as it breathes, when I realized I could see again.

And that I was very, _very_ cold.

I couldn't remember ever being cold, not since I had been junctioned to Shiva.

_Oh, shit._

Panic set in, and I turned to the wall, expecting to find darkness, and the hollow, empty feeling I remembered from before my days in Balamb. But it was still there.

In fact, it was brighter, more solid, and I could just barely detect shapes moving on the other side, like shadows under blue silk. I touched it, gently, and my world imploded.

Shiva:

_My poor Lion, blind and bound and hurt, inside and out. My actions are unsettling, proof of how things have changed for me. It is a trick for the rash, what I have done. For Gilgamesh and Odin and others who are not content to wait for things to happen. To wait for others to come along and lend them the body their wandering soul desires. _

_ I would, in any other situation. Ice Queen as I am, apathy was the least to be expected of me. But this one, this small boy, was special to me. He was a part of me. It is a choice given to us, by whoever decides our fate. The Guardians may choose one with whom they pass on, and grant their host the full extent of our powers. _

_ I had chosen, and he had received. My gift was feeling. The feelings I forsook long ago, when my heart was all of me that was ice. _

_ And now I have invoked Reversal._

_ I only hope I can make things right afterwards. _

I opened my eyes, chest moving in what I recognized as breathing. It was a bit odd, but a second's time to pick up again. I glanced at my fingers, scarred and pale, and then at the hilt that fit into them as if made to do so.

The thing before me, done with being confused by what the Reversal had caused, started to convulse. First at the stomach, and then it spread to its throat. The silver teeth, pointed and encrusted with too many things to name, spread into a twisted smile. A cloud of greenish fog emerged from its quivering depths, the stench foul and riddled with ulterior motives. It swirled through the snow, melting the crystals in midair, and I heard coughing from either side of me as it found targets, then began to reach for me. I narrowed my eyes.

A ripple ran through the fog, like a breeze through fine silk, and the mist dispersed. I was too old to play games with Marlboros.

"Squall?" A voice. Human and familiar. Somewhere from deep within my memories, recognition flared. Fingers brushed against my wall of ice.

"No." I responded, carefully forming the word with my mouth. I glanced to my left, to the human who, in my sight, was bathed in flame. This was Seifer, then. He had saved us once before.

I smiled at him, gently, knowing well that he knew nothing of what had happened.

"No?" his voice was quiet, worried. He seemed to had forgotten the Marlboro, his weapon hung limp in his hands.

I shook my head, sending snowflakes dancing down before my eyes. I could feel the cold pulling at me, calling to me, just as I responded in kind. The snow grew thicker, almost frantic, soft kisses brushing my cheeks as they descended. Seifer paled, a sickly grey dulling his features.

"You-" he gasped, "You're Shi-" He became silent, took a breath, and stopped moving at all.

At last I realized what had happened. What the creature had caused. And cold was very bad for statues. It made them crack and tear and lose their form.

A flick of my fingers, and the storm dispersed. The Marlboro, seeming to awaken, lurched forward, far too fast, and my body, unused to its new occupant, scrambled to escape.

I had forgotten how weak humans were. But it was no matter. I raised the gunblade, focusing on the tip, watching the creature down the length of the sword.

This wouldn't take long.

Squall (?):

"Zell brought them in, but he couldn't say what happened. Pretty beat up himself."

"But how could he be alive? You heard the explosion; saw the report. Investigation said the thing was _shattered_. No spell can do that without destroying every other living thing around it. Not even the _grass_ was bent. And then look at _him_…"

The voices were distant, muted, like a recording. I tried to recognize them, but my brain seemed slow and reluctant to respond. Was I dead? I didn't know.

_No. Not dead._

What?

_We're not dead. Just…different. A little bit changed. _Who was 'we'? I wanted to open my eyes, but they wouldn't respond.

What happened?

_There was a monster. One you could not defeat. No one here would have been able to._

How did it get here? Was the first question that came to mind. Some part of me thought this was important information. I should be writing it down.

_It had always been here. But it was sleeping, in an environment unsuited to it. Something woke it up._

Something?

_A sorceress.__ You will see the world changed soon enough. You will be called to fight. But do not worry about this now. Now you must wake up._

It seemed like logical advice, but I didn't want to yet. Something felt wrong with my body. I didn't want to see it yet, because it felt like a part of me was missing. What good am I without an arm or leg? I would be kicked out. I would have to leave Seifer.

Panic.

Where was Seifer? Could I breathe? I couldn't tell. I couldn't feel it. Didn't they know…?

_He was allowed to leave the infirmary. The Petrification protected him from physical wounds, and the others were healed. He is fine, as are you. You are no longer bound to follow him._

What?

I didn't understand. I was…was I supposed to feel relieved? For some reason I didn't. I felt anything but relieved. I felt horrified, empty, torn apart. I didn't ever want to wake up.

Stop being stupid, Squall. You were only waiting for it to end. But then why was I so upset?

How?

_It is…complicated. There is a spell known to us; to the Guardians. We call it Reversal. It is more commonly a trick, something only the lowest of us use to possess a body instead of being possessed ourselves. I cast it in desperation, to save this body, though I was not sure Reversal could itself be reversed. _

I don't understand. Why was I still breathing? Everything said I should be dead.

Who are you?

There was silence, then. I worried for my sanity, hearing voices as I was. But then I was also quite possibly dead. People heard voices before they died, in some cases. Was this was one of those? I thought I _wasn't_ dying.

_You aren't. But this is not to say you didn't. _Didn't what? Die? This was making no sense, and a spell had been mentioned before. Where was Seifer?

_Reversal trades one soul for another. Makes the human the Guardian to what was its body, and often the Force that overtakes the body will simply unjunction the human, and leaves it hidden somewhere; a lamp, or a statue. The magic of the spell will often warp the human, turn them into a Guardian as well, but they are often angry, restless. Asking them to aid you is a risk. _

Is that what happened to me? Was I left somewhere? Why was the creature who had taken my body talking to me? I was angry, now. I wanted it back.

_No, it is different with you. After the battle I tried to change it back, but a body can only endure so much. Full changes can only happen so many times, or the flesh grows tired. Instead it merged the two inside it. The Doom spell, from so long ago? It is gone, now. It was cast on Squall, as he was, not Squall as he is. _

A pause.

_Remember Esthar?_

The ethereal city appeared in my mind's eye, blue-green and shimmering. I saw it as it was in the history books, but it was different. I remembered the markets, the palace. I smiled coyly at the president, brushing silvery hair behind my ears, and laughing.

"No, sir," I had said, my voice cold even in good humor, but light as well, "I am from Trabia. We are used to the cold there. It becomes us." A warm laugh beside me, red hair brushed my cheek, clicking gently with the beads and horn bits woven into it, and my husband kissed my face, warmth spreading through my cheeks at the contact.

"Or do you become it?" Fritch had asked, and I smiled as well, catching one of the ornaments in his hair between my fingers.

But I had never been to Esthar. Nor had I ever been a woman, or had a husband who was, if I was not mistaken, junctioned to Seifer.

_He wasn't, then._ The voice told me, _that wasn't until the first Sorceress, as you know them. When the leader of our Order, the Guardian Force, went bloated and sickly with power, with her desire to master all elements, not just her own._

I remembered now a less pleasant time. When I had stood with my friends before a single woman wreathed in flame and darkness, and watched as one by one my friends were struck down; Zal's green eyes dulled and no longer smiling, her almost electric energy gone. Levi's black hair limp and scorched, his serene expression blurred into pain and death, his fluid grace drained from his mangled form. I remembered the death of my husband, heard my own broken cries as the life fled my body as well, and I whispered the words that would release the spell we had all cast long ago, to prepare for the worst.

Our leader, the Lady Grey, was imprisoned in a statue on the continent of Centra, under the guard of the city until she was released by another evil much later, the city destroyed, left empty but for the Warrior King's spirit and the monsters that made it their home. She was now known as Griever, just as we were now known by different names. Zal, Levi, Fritch, and Ivy. We became trapped gods, slaves who held unspeakable power. We became Quetzalcoatl, Leviathan, Ifrit, Shiva, among others. Our entire order, trapped in statues and crystals and human minds, waiting to be discovered and unleashed, to add our power to another's in the hopes of defeating that which we could not before.

Yet, that had never happened to me. I was Squall. I had never even seen Esthar, or Trabia, much less been born or celebrated there. This was so confusing.

_Actually, it is quite simple. We are no longer separate entities. We have the same memories, the same body. But you will no longer be able to summon me. In fact, you are not able to remember ever being able to do so. In your mind, I seem to be your own thoughts, and indeed I am. I am no longer a Guardian, and you are no longer a human. We are both…somewhere in between. _

In between?

I felt my eyes blink, my body inhale. The brightness hurt my eyes, and I blinked rapidly. I heard voices shouting, whispering, and I sat up.

Everything hurt.

_See? It will be all right. _

Shapes began to appear – a chair to my right, the glass of the door. My eyes adjusted slowly, taking in the infirmary and the nurse checking my pulse.

"We thought you were going to die," It took a moment for my tongue to work, and another for my brain to think of a response.

"So did I." It sounded sort of mangled, and my voice cracked. I cleared my throat, embarrassed, and ran a hand through my hair. I froze midmovement.

There was something wrong with my skin. Taking a deep breath, I looked at it again. My skin color seemed to have paled a bit, and though it was still a natural color, it was nearly translucent, but that was not the odd part.

Blue patterns, wild and tribal, ran over my skin, like tattoos. Stripes on my arms and legs, sharp and symmetrical designs on my chest. I saw in the mirror by the sink the lines on my face, three stripes that ran parallel to where my scar had been.

"I think it's sexy." I jumped at the voice, whirling from where I had been staring at myself to see Seifer, sitting on the bed I had recently vacated. It was suddenly hard to breathe, but now for a different reason. I felt myself lunge across the room at him, wrapping my arms around his chest and squeezing until even I hurt from the pressure. He gave a breathy laugh and kissed my head.

"The doctors came to get me as soon as you moved. They didn't know what sort of state you'd be in."

"I'm a sorcerer, now." The confession came out of nowhere, surprising us both, and it took me a moment to realize I had spoken. Was I really a sorcerer? How did I know that? My mind immediately supplied me with the answer; because Shiva had been one, forever ago. And now, too was I. The first sorcerer in a long, long time.

"Are you, now?" Green eyes were almost mocking, and I frowned. Fingers ran up my back, and I released my death grip on Seifer's torso, taking a step back.

"It's not like I could even doubt you if I wanted to," he told me, indicating the marks on my skin, "not after I see things like that." Then suddenly he was kissing me, his hands in my hair and running down my arms, and I felt my fingers tug on the hem of his shirt, slipping under to caress the skin beneath. And then, as suddenly as it had started, his arms were wrapped around me, and his nose was in my hair, and he was making odd wheezing noises that almost worried me.

"What happened back there?" he whispered, and I remembered it all, every detail of what I wasn't really there for. I shook my head to clear the images. It would be a long time before I could battle a Marlboro again.

"We almost died," I told him, stepping back.

"But we didn't," Seifer said, and something in his voice sounded hopeful, and worried, and sad. He didn't let go of my arms.

"The Doom spell is gone, isn't it?" he asked. I smiled.

"Yes," I said happily, the thought just occurring to me, as well. I walked to the doorway, half-expecting to stop breathing and black out. Nothing happened, and I stepped through it. Months of anxiety, of worrying what one step would do, were released with a sigh. I turned to face Seifer, who looked horrified. I frowned.

"What's wrong?" He turned away from me, facing the mirror I had been inspecting seconds before.

"Nothing," he said quietly, "I should have expected this. I did, actually. Fucking ice prince and loneliness that you are." I blinked. What?

"What?" Seifer shot me a look that made me want to die, despite my recent relief to be alive.

"You were just leaving, weren't you? You can have the room. I'll be back later to collect my stuff."

"What the fuck are you talking about?" I was sure he'd gone mad. What the hell was his problem? He growled, stood up and whirled to face me. But he was smiling.

"Situational homosexuality," he said, poking me in the chest, "it happens all the time in prison, Squall."

I punched him.

Caught off guard as he was, he dropped to the floor, holding his face. It wasn't even a hard punch.

"What the fuck, Leonhart!" he yelled, jumping to his feet. I glared at him, and he raised a fist.

Of course he'd try to fucking punch me back. Jackass. But his fist relaxed, and he sighed and dropped his arm. He shook his head.

"I don't want to fight you any more." He said softly, and tried to step around me, but I was in his way again. Before he had a change to object, I spoke.

"Good. It would make living with you miserable." I stepped out of his way. "Now, come on. We should probably go thank Zell." Seifer frowned, a bit confused.

"Living with me?" he asked, and I rolled my eyes. He was such a moron, sometimes.

"Yes," I confirmed, "living with you. Together. In the same room." He still wouldn't move. I wanted to punch him again.

"Why?"

I glared at him; he was just messing with me, now.

"Because it makes having sex easier. Just get a fucking move on, Almasy, I have _things_ I have to do." He choked, despite the fact that there was nothing in his mouth, and started grinning like an idiot.

"Things like _sex_?" I seriously reconsidered it, seeing his reaction.

"Yes," I said dryly. "Of course. Things like _sex_." He blinked.

"_We have to go thank Zell_," I reminded him, and he looked disappointed.

"Oh. Yeah."

I sighed, ran a hand through my hair, and then reached down to twine my fingers through his. They were rough and warm and I leaned against his shoulder happily for a moment before dragging him out after me.

For the first time I could remember in my short life, I was happy.

**End**

This is not how I had planned the story to end. In fact, this ending is stupid and poorly written, but I realized that I will never actually finish the story as I wanted to. I'm really, really sorry, and this was the closest I could make it to how I wanted the ending. But I think I lost track of Squall's way of thinking, and I've completely forgotten how I ever went about writing this story. I'm really sorry guys, and I feel so cheap for doing this, but I had to at least finish it for you, even though I couldn't do it right. There are a lot of things left out. If you have any questions please email me, and I'll explain them to the best of my ability.

Thanks to everyone who reviewed. I love you and don't deserve you.

3


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